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Main | The Importance of Being Sully »

My Beating Heart Was Just A Theory

When I was growing up in the 1970's, the Kingdom of Adults seemed so enchanted and wonderful.

Standing down around my parents knees I watched as my dad blew carefree cigarette smoke into the sky while my mom twirled around in the back yard, spinning and smiling to the Doobie Brothers' 'Listen To the Music' on the Kmart radio laying beside the still hot burger fat bbq.

Life was beautiful back then, for a couple of minutes anyway. My dad snapped the pull-away tab off of another warm can of Pabst and I sighed at a butterfly dancing on a thermal.  My mom smiled down at me and my heart was lifted up by chains tied directly to the sun and the moon and the stars.

I was 7 or 8, a little kid standing on the half-dead summer grass of some suburban backyard not much bigger than two station wagons, and I think I remember beautiful waves of safety rolling through my young body. They were talking breezes, hushed Stevie Nicks sexy witch voices whispering to me that our family had so much love that we would probably never even be able to use it all up; not in this lifetime and probably not in the next one either.

You know how these things go though. Ever since the goddamn Cotton Gin and the locomotive changed everything, especially love/from farm love to factory love, there is always some catch, some loophole; there is constantly something terrible and swift swishing around in the kiddie piss just a football field away from the fat sausage pillars of this crowded happy beach.

Divorce came along and my world exploded and I saw my dad a few times after that and then I never saw him again for like 25 years. There wasn't a damn thing I could do about it either. All I could do was stand in the dugout at Little League practice and watch the other dads who had showed up to coach or holler at the umps.

Looking back now, what a fool I was. I was just a dumb kid, still sniffing around the dried-up shit turds of a once powerful, awesome creature that was long gone by then. Love, the love I had been born into, the kind of unshakable forever family love that I thought I had been born into, the kind we all deserve to be born into, that kind of love was so far from me by the time I was ten that I'd stand there chewing on some gnawed-up strand of rawhide lace dangling off of my mitt, breathing in the soft menthol smoke that had just been dilly-dallying around down in the mines of some other daddy's lungs, and for whatever reason it would remind me of my own dad, right there in the middle of the stupid idiotic game.

I was ten and someone else's cigs were tugging at my heartstrings.

I didn't ask for any of that.

I hated my mom so much then: for letting my dad go, for letting him run away from her, from us.

And I hated my dad for picking the booze, for letting it run over him like a steamroller that just appeared at our back gate that summer afternoon three decades ago and plowed us all down into nothing but ghosts of who we'd been.

And this whole mess sliding down out of the bright blue innocent sky before that dumbass Doobie Brothers song was even over.


That same song came on the satellite radio the other day while I was out driving around, trying to fight the urge to buy a pack of cigarettes. I haven't smoked in almost a year which might not mean much to you, but to me it's pretty big deal. I've felt better. I always laughed when people would say that, but it's kind of true I guess. Maybe that's why they say it to begin with. Anyway, the song reminds me of something I can't put my finger on, something old and good but lost to me now that I'm older.

Pink sun slithering, I was heading due west down the country road not far from where I live and the moment that the tune came on I felt something hot shoot up through me like dope in my blood.

I wanted to smoke really bad in the moments right before it came on, but then as soon as it started playing, I didn't care anymore about any of that. I lost the urge, just like that. Weird, huh?

That's how we get through life, I guess. One second you are sure you are done for and then boom: you pull yourself together somehow.

Or you don't.


I have a son on the way.

He's my third child and I love him so much already that I get straight-up belly sick thinking certain things and overpowered by thinking others. He's not even born yet and still there's so much stuff I just don't know,so much stuff that me and his mom don't know together.

I don't know if he will be born into a family whose love is strong and forever, and by 'forever' I mean it in the old school way: breathing tubes and artificial gasps and squeezing a still warm, age-speckled ham fist under the hospital halogen lights, fighting back the tears that only can only ever come and hurt so righteously when two people have been inseparable all along, through all the awful shit water you have to wade through to get out to where it's all just one last peaceful winding-down firefly evening.

I know, I know, at least three or four people out there in the world would probably whisper that that's  fool's talk coming from someone like me, a guy who has always pretended that he knew how to do things, how to live right, when really certain people are starting to doubt if I ever did.

But what can I do, right?

What can I say now, to slip old words back into their sheaths and let them rust away to nothingness. If I could go back in time, I'd have ripped my tongue out with a hunk of  Pepsi can long ago. Back when I was like 20. But I missed that chance and I kept my tongue and I swung it around like a boss. Looking back, I think I thought that I could treat new love just like I treated old love. I think I thought that I could look it straight in the eyes and challenge it to not stick with me for ever and ever and ever.

I think I tasted salt on my lips and was fucking sure that it was there to add a little flavor to all the love I was gorging myself on. But I got that one all wrong, too. Because, hey/look, I'd been body slammed by love way back in the 70's and I'm still bleeding out of my earholes.

Turns out that the salt was just old scuzzy blood I've been too preoccupied to feel and too lazy to wipe away.

After everything that has happened, after all of the empires and kingdoms, after all of the battles and the wars, after each and every little rinky-dink story up until now has been told over and over and over again, has been thumped into our marshmallow skulls so that we might learn at least a little bit about how to make things better along the way, after all of that history and living has come down, it turns out that it's me. Me. I'm 42 next week, waiting on a brand new heart and trying to stop a wounded one from gushing itself silly and it's actually me: I'm the lucky son-of-a-bitch in charge of love and marriage and whatever it all is morphing into these days outside, all sprawled across these December streets.

Oh my God.

Who knew.

I want to blame the whole fucking world/I need to blame myself/And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I was ready for any of this at all.

And no, dude. I didn't buy the stupid smokes if that was all you've been sticking around to find out.

Reader Comments (10)

.Thanks for the emotional awesome read.

December 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDianaP

I heard someone say the other day, we've all had our hearts broken wide open... and I thought: really? Everyone? Yes, my heart's been ripped in half and stepped on at times yet my survival method has been denial. Hey, it worked for me and then it didn't and then.... Serge, your ability to express and describe Living Life as a Human Being is incredible. Your metaphors are my favorite part; no-- my favorite part is how you tell it like it is/was. Thank you for sharing the history of your heart, broken wide open. Sending a little broken-hearted love your way!

December 5, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Great piece, so honest and raw, which makes what I'm about to suggest sound cold and uppity, but have you ever thought of going to talk to someone ---- alone, AND with your father/brother/mother?? I don't what your relationship is like with any of them now, but your kids will eventually pick up on how you treat your immediate family (or in your case, how they treated you). There's my unrequested two cents.

When I was 14 my ENTIRE family of 6 went to a therapist together -- just once. It didn't really do much (obviously we never went back together as a group,) but even today I remember that the effort was made. And it was cool to see an outsider's perspective of our dysfunctional group.

December 5, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBonnie

Your writing almost makes me uncomfortable- like someone is revealing such raw, intimate things that I hardly admit to myself. Alcohol took my Dad away too- but not physically- he was always there- quiet, dark, looming. I have often wondered if it would not have been better if he had just left- not just checked out right in front of us. My brother was angry with my Mom our entire childhood for NOT driving my Dad away- guess there are no winners in an alcoholic family. The above commenter suggested you talk to someone- I say you already are-clearly you are in touch with the feelings you experienced, and willing to share them with the great unknown audience. I have never even discussed those aspects of my childhood with my husband. Anyway- long winded way to say thank you- and good on you for passing on the smokes (and oh man I get that as well)

December 6, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJune

I just wanted to cry reading this post. It is quite evident that the painful memories you suffer through have created a greater sensitivity to your own children. I love the way you described how you quit smoking. That song and the sunset...Hopefully your wounded heart will heal as you create a new story for your own life and family. New memories....Certain people need to see you at their games and everything else which follows over the next 40 years. All of it will overshadow the past. You know, as you love your kids, the way you care for them as individuals, the way you hold each thing they do as precious and worthwhile, amusing and worthy of writing about, well even if they seem to blow you off when they enter their teens ( maybe not, some kids are nicer) but I believe the love you get from them will also heal what your heart. A father's blessing means everything to a child and to miss out on that truly is heartbreaking, From everything I have seen, I am sure your children will ALL know in their hearts that DAD LOVES them dearly and would never hurt them that way. You and your brother deserved the best. All kids do. Anyway, I loved this post. Sorry if anything I wrote irritates you. Not intended.

December 6, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

I think you have a leg up on fatherhood simply by being aware of
what a twisted highway it can be.
As usual you put some great words together

December 6, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLC

Great post. It's amazing how something so simple as a song can bring back memories from the past. Although there are many things you and your significant other aren't sure of, you'll figure it out with time. Trust that time is always on your side, isn't that what Rod Stewart said?

Congrats on your third, and best wishes with her pregnancy.

December 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFatima Lora

You have a gift when it comes to writing. My dad was also an alcoholic who was more there for me, but was still disappointing as I was growing up compared to my expectations. I later learned to forgive and love him as being who and what he was with his imperfections, yet also knowing he loved me too even if he didn't express it in the manner typical of other dads or how I hoped. Your kids will have different/better memories of you, but you will probably still drive each of them crazy in the way that only dads can.

December 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSaffoula

You rock, Serge. I understand your childhood feelings remarkably well and the feeling of your bleeding heart swallowing your "future" life every moment. It sucks and it can be overpowering & suffocating. But, you got this. You already know the shit it can be. You're aware of actions and reactions, and so is Monica. You guys will be okay. Merry Christmas -- enjoy it moment by moment. :)

December 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlice

Great writing as usual, highly anticipating the new arrival along with the rest of the internutts.

February 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterUtah L

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