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How Much Would It Cost To Use 'Dueling Banjos' As Our Theme Song?

We've been thinking about making changes eventually. Moving somewhere else maybe. Switching things around. Monica staying home with Violet while I bring home the bacon. Or, in my case, the Bac-O's. A couple Sundays ago we drove up into the mountains and rode a half-circle around a lake talking about the future and what we should maybe do. Well, Monica talked and I just mostly listened. I did point out some deer though.

"You're really good at spotting wildlife," she said, caught up in the bitty moment.

I swelled with deep organic pride, the good stuff. We aren't big complimenters. So, I'll take the animal spotter thing to the bank.

I find it both inspiring and overwhelming when my wife gets a notion. And this time she's got a doozy. We should get rural, cut out the cultural fat...the cable TV and the internet, maybe. We could grow vegetables. You could fish all the time. (I'm listening). We could make our own clothes out of old Christmas wrapping paper.

"You could hunt deer for meat," she said.

She did. She fucking said that.

I am down with that, I've done it already. But this was pretty out there for the woman I know; Monica doesn't fish with me because she doesn't want to put a hook in a fishes mouth. Those types don't usually throw the hunting thing into the "lets quit this town and get country" equation. Raise goats for Rip-Off Farmer's Market Cheese, maybe. But pop a deer? No.

So, it looks like I need to get all this writing stuff wrapped up pretty soon, folks. See, where I'm going the world creeps slow as Honey Wine. There's electricity, but not much. So, I might not be able to blog to you as much. Plus, I'll be working like three full-time gigs to make up for my lack of value in any field. Probably: Wal-Mart(guns or plants), T.G.I.F. (yeah, there's one in town next to the Wal- Mart), and either Dairy Queen (Blizzard King) or T/A Truckstop (dude with mop and lazy eye and untucked uniform staring at traveling sexy ladies from behind the Louis L'Amour audio books).

At the lake, Monica talks with eloquence and real passion about her vision for the future. I admit to you here that I get turned on by a visionary woman. And all that fresh alpine air; I get super stoned on it. Rocky Mountain High. I make an advance on a country road while driving. I get shot down in an embarrassing mess of flames. All this while Violet naps in back in her car seat: oblivious to the serious shit going on up in the front. Decisions are being bandied about. Lives are being simplified. Christ, deer are getting shot. By me.

I fail though. I fail in keeping up with Monica's soaring spirit. In my head I hear her and like what she is saying and want to commit to the plan. But I am not sure what to do or how or even if I'm allowed to get all Dreamer Dude again in this lifetime. I've done so much Dreaming. I Dreamed things and they came true. Maybe I used up all my Dream Juice? Maybe I might get hit by lightning just for daring to Dream some more?

So, I keep mostly quiet. I feel dazed. Discombobulated. Someone I love is Dreaming big for the two of us and I ain't helping much. I think maybe if I put the cable TV back into the mix it might poke the fires a bit, ya' know?

After all, this whole Dream is one of two things:

A) The best most wonderful Dream of Love and Family and Quality Life ever conjured up by two parents/lovers/sparring partners.


B) The best reality TV show on during the 2011 Fall Season! MONICA,SERGE,VIOLET,AND WILBUR (our son) American Family who move to the country for a simpler better life. The ever shifting breezes of love. The tumult of family, of blood. Cute kids raised with chicken shit matted in their corn silk hair. Daddy's drunk on Turnip Whiskey. Mama's high on her homegrown stuff. There's somebody else living in the shed out back. An old man. No one knows who he is. Viewers love him, so the family does too.

Hollywood,call me. We can sort out the details by Monday a week. We are The Bielankos. We are your next American Family. Affected by the Recession. Funny without wanting to be. Decent Looking. Blah-blah-blah.

Call. Me. Now.

Reader Comments (12)

I have read peoples' blogs for years and this is literally my first comment EVER. You are a wonderful writer. Even in this shitty publishing economy, I think you could make a good living as a writer, if you were so inclined. It is a privilege to read your work. Thank you!

July 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I think you'll still be cute, even with a toothless smile :) That will be the good thing about being a writer someday.

July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

As I said on Monica's blog, if this is something you want to do and think you can afford, go for it.

In this day and age when so many kids are neglected by their parents, to see the love and sacrifices you guys are willing to make for Violet is an awesome thing, and she is one lucky kid to have parents who care about her so much.

And as someone else already said, you're a great writer, hell, you both are great writers. You could use the solitude to both sit down and write a novel each or something, which I'm sure would help bring the money in.

Just think how proud that would make Violet. Having a pop who is a rock and roll star turned famous writer...

I'm sure you can get down with that idea!

Whatever you decide, good luck man. You've given pleasure to a hell of a lot of people through your music. Now it's your turn....



July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSpawny666

Read Barbara Kingsolver's book, "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle," about the year she & her family lived off the land, albeit with electricity, indoor plumbing, the other conveniences of life, and a book deal at the end. It's hard, hard work.

July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Publishing is the only business worse than music (OK, may painting is worse). Same bullshit over even less money. Only way to make it work is to launch your detective/rocker/flyfisherman series FlyRockerMan. Fuck it and get off the grid. I'll be sure to send my check in for "Bielanko's finest" deer jerky.

July 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfellowdad

Let me just second Anonymus' words. Because there are some people who need to hear these things a million times:

"You are a wonderful writer. Even in this shitty publishing economy, you could make a good living as a writer, if you were so inclined. It is a privilege to read your work."

Why not chronicle your adventures in transitioning to self-sufficient(-ish) country life in a shared blog, you and Monica? Hell you both write, add pictures and videos, you don't need Hollywood selling you out - in these times, you can set up your own reality show online. I am sure you would be able to build a following that would bring the ad bucks in at some point.

Ah, the concept is all ready and packaged in my head... yeah there IS a great show in there... just gotta keep it real and true and off beat.

(I'm in Venice CA, I work in "Hollywood" a n d the industry largely grosses me out, but let me know if I shall run and pitch it to some slick producer ass...)

July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra E

Serge, Watcke's friend Steve here. A friend sent me your blog url a while back. I'm not a blog reader, however I look forward to reading yours. You've got the writer's touch. I can relate. Entertaining to say the least.

July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStevo

So she quits a good job to stay home so you can work at WalMart? Tell me, how do you grow nachos in the outback, anyway?

Please re-think this idea.

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjls

We're on the ole' Christmas-paper-coat train ourselves. Been planning it for a few years now. Not living off the land as such but downscaling/downsizing in the hopes of a simpler life with more time for our children. We're in Europe at the moment, saving GB£ like demons, and about a year or two away from our move. We're looking at Nova Scotia or rural Ontario where the living is cheap(ish). It's a good plan for young families in my opinion.

I had to google 'discombobulated'

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

I think serge is qualified to work at more than walmart. I believe he's being self-deprecating in that area. I think the family values behind such a dream are noble and hope you and Monica can find a way to do it.

jls, what do nachos have to do with anything? That's a weird thing to say.

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Just got back from Park City so I can see why this is so tempting. Utah was amazing. It sounds like Monica is a planner so it is surprising to me tha the most obvious plan has not come to the forefront. While you are watching your little girl start writing some songs. Get a dozen or so done and go spend a week or two with your brother and record 'em. Get 'em out there and see what happens.

Your best bet to cash in quick and build up the cash cushion you need to pull a plan like this off is with your guitar - not just your pen. I know what you have said about not picking up the guitar for over a year, but all it takes is one song to get the exposure (and financial rewards) you have deserved for some time. Your band never caught a break, but by the same token sometimes you make your own luck. As a new dad you have a whole new perspective on the world, express it in a rock song like only a few have (think Springsteen's Living Proof) and give it a go.

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I get the nachos comment. Serge likes nachos. Monica wants him to grow their own food and shoot their own meat. So how do you grow nachos?

Maybe Walmart sells them there seeds or me done thinks so.

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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