Follow on Bloglovin
Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
Search The Girl Who
« Rebel/Daughter. | Main | The Ballad Of Lonesome August Cola. »

We Should Hang Out So I Can Kill You.

Thunder Pie was being worked on so you couldn't see it for like a day and a half. In case you were wondering. I got three emails wondering, so chances are: you weren't wondering at all. So what did I fix/change/enhance about the thing? Well, after careful deliberation, I decided that nothing was fixable. Everything is perfectly bent and warped. Also, I sometimes need to smother things I love with pillows with holes. It's just how it is with me. I smother like a motherfucker while the thing/person/dream stares up at me and breathes and smiles though a hole. It's really wonderful. Seriously.

I also had one of my periodic AssBook meltdowns and deleted every single one of my friends. This too went largely unnoticed in both my real life and my electric one. Hmmph. Anyway, if I de-friended you please don't take it seriously. Truth is: I probably de-friended you for real long ago and AssBook just brought us back together for no reason but boredom and gluttony. Feasting on souls. It's kind of Satanic in a way. Let's see how many entities I can collect, keep track of from a safe distance, devour at my leisure.

Well, I occasionally need to go Full Hell. Simply eat the Souls so that they are not there anymore. Start over with an empty gut. Weird? Yes: weird. Stupid? Yes: probably stupid. Cathartic? Have you ever eaten your own Mother's Soul? Or your wife's? Dear God does it feel good! I am not kidding. And the more Souls you have, the better! I only ate like a little over a hundred, so it was merely a Snack Upon Mortals...but some people have six or seven hundred "Friends". For God's sake, if you have the urgent curiosity/the yearning hunger/the natural need to be free of so much goddamn luggage, if only for a short time, then go ahead and do it. Gorge on the Souls of The Lonely and Bored.

Don't worry, either. The Resurrection takes like four days tops. Most of them don't even want to know what happened, they just send you the Friendship offer once again. Gotta keep the numbers up.

Also, I walked out of our marriage therapy thing yesterday after like ten minutes in which I felt attacked by you-know-who. I regret it, but what are you gonna do? Truth be told....and this is no lie...I was catching a very sensational eighteen inch brown trout at the moment the session would have been ending. Then I spent ten more hours with Green Drakes and Stoneflies and WD40's and many many fish. The Lord works in mysterious ways. So do I, I guess.

I know it was wrong: to walk out of the session. I am ashamed/embarrassed. Plus I really like our therapist and I believe strongly that it's all been working ok. Then we miss two straight weeks and we dive-bomb into a field of our own corn. Anyway, life goes on. She got paid; I flung the twenties into Monica's lap as I walked out. Don't tell me I'm an asshole either. You're one to talk.

So, this has been a roller coaster ride: this whole week. A series of little senseless pin pricks at the Big Balloon beating behind my ribs. A Feast of Souls.

Just another week, really.

And oh yeah: Violet makes me smile and glad to be alive.

Reader Comments (13)

Glad you're back.

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Why the f/ck are you in SLC?

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergreenatty

I deactivated my FB account this week too. Weird.

I read a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" about Borderline Personality Disorder and I self diagnosed myself. A part of me wants to connect but it seems to last for a little while until I wake up one day and want to tell pretty much everyone I know to go to hell. So I burn bridges, break a few hearts, and disappear...until it passes and the remorse kicks in and I come back to the sunshine for awhile. It's exhausting really.

So I get it.

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

yeah, a shrink diagnosed my brother as having that disorder. As my dad said, it's also known as being an asshole. Just sayin'

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergreenatty

I go off and on FB, too. Love/hate it. Kinda wish it would just go away.

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

....and I'm on the verge of taking it down and deleting all my so-called friends almost every day. What is up with that?

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Full moon was July 7.

Call it an educated guess, if you have to call it anything at all.

July 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Not having an AssBook is the new AssBook.

July 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

I don't have a facebook and never will. I think it is the death of humankind! Seriously, that is how people communicate nowadays! My cousin only knows what his daughter is doing by reading her FB status, how effed up is that. You talk to a guy, he wants to know if you have a FB so he can add you, more like stalk you and look at all your friends. NO THANK YOU. I have a myspace and only b/c I have a few friends on there that upload their pics there.

July 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

serge, your blog is awesome, and i like the way your posts kind of read like poems or songs, which you're great at, as I admire a lot of marah's songs as well. your blog gets more views than mine by a long shot, and i don't think anything needed changing, though i also feel like i have to change my posts in case they turned out like shit i my mind. facebook can be annoying, yet you can't help but go on anyway, though it seems like none of my friends on facebook cares about what i post there, but i shrug it off and keep posting on facebook despite no one commenting much. have you posted links to your blog on facebook?

July 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGreaserthrowbackGirl

Once you have a Facebook friend, you can't seem to delete them. Like a zombie, they come back the next day and wonder what happened. Then I puss out, add them back, and say it was accident. So the best thing to do is just hide them. Hide almost everyone. They'll never know you don't give a shit and they can just keep on chugging along thinking you're there all the time. Then, with the 20 or so people you actually do interact with in your real life, sometimes you can actually tell what is going on with their lives, see all the family pictures, and possibly have some kind of conversation with them. The only way this can happen is if you get rid of 100 or so other people's day to day bullshit, especially if they have Twitter. So just do yourself a favor and hide everyone who isn't a blood relative or you don't talk to at least once a month. Then it is not so bad.

July 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You can also set your settings so that those people you don't really want seeing your shit but who will get offended if you don't add them can't comment on your wall or see photos you've been tagged in or videos or status updates or friending activity. I put all family membes who aren't cool in that category. You can even hide your profile picture from the general population.

July 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteraileen8aalien

I'm spending a week with my family and my inlaws on vacation and I firmly believe that everyone has some sort of meltdown in these situations. I have had completely serious conversations with Nick about having our dr friend call something in for me. Maybe something that relaxes me and wipes my memory. ;-) I'm kidding, but I'm not.

July 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>