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The Vacation Is There Is No Vacation.

In a few weeks we are boarding an airplane with a baby. So, we'll be THOSE people for an afternoon. The ones with the screaming infant...ruining everyone's little bullshit dream of Coach Is Now First Class!

Hmph. People get to thinking to themselves: well, maybe the flight will be pretty empty! I hope so! I'd love to have a whole row to myself so I can slip my shoes off and hang my socky sausage toes out just an inch or two in the aisle so that everyone going back to take a piss can notice them and notice me sleeping the afternoon away high in the sky; a seasoned air sleeper on my three and a half hour jaunt to my economical four hour layover in Detroit.

F them.

I wanna fill one of Violet's diapers with Nutella. I wanna wait 'til she explodes into a sack of wailing tears at twenty-nine thousand feet. I wanna stand up in my cramped row so the people tsk'ing in the rows around me notice that one of THEM has risen. And I wanna eat the 'shit' right out of my daughter's diaper in all of its gooey clumpish glory. I want Nutella on the tip of my nose for effect. I want a possible Air Marshall dry heave.

Then, I want someone with some goddamn authority around here to bring me a plastic Captain's Wings for my sweet little pumpkin nugget, pronto.


Anyway. I can't relax. That's my summer vacation in a Coke cap. Four days back east. To pass Violet around to her various peeps. Maybe deep-fry a Butterball by the garage. I wanna bring my fly rod but I know some kid in Cargo will slowly slip it out of its metal tube/out of its protective pouch and snap it over his thigh-front; and then just ice-ily/methodically slip it back into where he got it. Punk.

I dream. I dream of two or three weeks of Europe the right way. Escargot in a clandestine dive: butter sauce under a single nude light bulb. Airy white wines at a picnic table in a beer garden of chattering locals. Rambling over afternoon moors under a rainbow in a spritz. Canals with swans. Cobblestone street strolling, holding the milksoft hand of the woman I love. Making a phone call to Monica every afternoon. (Psyche! She's with me in all my travel dreams.) Pizza with a knife and fork. Lunch meats for breakfast. Summer romance with an endless fat clump of Euros riding shotgun in my H&M man-purse. Sex in the morning before the museums.

Either way: not happening.

So where you headed this summer? Tell me. I can take it.

Reader Comments (24)

Not going anywhere this summer. Last summer we went to Belize for our 10th wedding anniversary and then moved from Baton Rouge to Milwaukee. So Milwaukee is where we'll stay. It's not too bad, though. The folks are coming in from Montana in August and we have access to a cabin in Door County. But mostly, we're chilling.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteraileen8aalien

Hate those judgemental anti-kid mofos on the planes. Big f'ing deal, your read in American Way about "hidden treasures of Kansas City" is interrupted - the kid's head is suddenly getting crushed by atmospheres of pressure for the first time and they can't clear to get out of the panic unless they get a boob or some good milk. F'off. And, if you press it you're gonna splashed with Mr and Mrs. T all over your dockers.

We're going to go on our annual summer drives to see family on Jersey Shore (Cape May) and western Michigan. Love it -- grandmas watches the kids and we get to check out movies and actually read on the beach.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfellowdad

My husband & I are heading here in August: Two words: CLOTHING. OPTIONAL.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie Hyde

This summer my big excursion is gonna be in....
hold on to your hat for this one....
Salt Lake City. Yeah. Can't afford to go anywhere else, so I'm taking a trip down to an actual clothing store before collegeworld starts. Don't feel bad-at least you can get outta the state.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKathryn

Since getting married in Novemeber I have seen my Husband rarely, he's a cargo pilot and based in Luxembourg - we live in Ireland.

I haven't seen him in over a month now, besides Saturday when he came home with his brother & friend to pick up our little sailboat and sail it over to Scotland.

My mission is to drive from south of the border to Belfast get a ferry to Glasgow then drive a further 4 hours to meet them, on my birthday, all with the aid of a new SatNav. He has great faith in me, wish I had the same.

His brother & friend will then take the car home. And we will finally get to spend 2 full weeks together all alone (his brother lives with us)sailing the high seas blissfully lazy adn content. While he can also get acquainted with my expanding belly and we make plans for us + 1 in November!

I can't wait. It's all I've been thinking about for the last 3 weeks.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

Being at the other end of the child rearing spectrum, our family vacation will consist of driving our oldest child to Burlington, VT and dropping her off at the university, and then driving all the way back to Virginia, weeping the entire way.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJimbo

Hoping for 4 days in August in sweltering Spain, seeing your bro' and co play at the Luna Lunera Festival,
52... and counting down the days

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Our annual California trip the last week of July is coming around the corner. Heaven on earth is the only way to describe it. My Bro in law owns about 40 acres in Humbolt county right on the Trinity river. There is a huge garden where we grill fresh veggies every night, a man made hot tub that is on the edge of a cliff looking down on the glistening river and horseshoes on the beach everyday. Refridgerated keg beer and a bunch of naked over worked people letting loose for one full week. Can't wait!

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Well, my little band Saint Anyway is on tour to Colorado, tonight we are in Nebraska. In July we do a Chicago trip, and in August we make our way to Nashville. Doing the same thing as last summer!

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTony

King of Prussia, Pa. Twelve hour drive, two kids, two dogs. Weep for me.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Dog Canyon UT.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Nowhere. Unemployed. Looking for a job in this sh*t job market/economy.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Fuck it. I'd rather just close my eyes and wade in the cool Arizona bay...

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJB

I hate screaming babies and badly behaved older kids on planes, but I'm LMAO at the Nutella-diaper thing. It's like Bill Murray and the Baby Ruth bar in "Caddyshack."

It would be even funnier if you managed to befriend a stranger on the plane and get them in on the joke. Take a bite of Nutella, offer the diaper to the stranger, and watch them chow down too. You'd see an entire planeload of people faint at once. The captain would have to drop the oxygen masks.

June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'll be here for a week miles from nowhere - walking and fishing with the kids through the day, drinking whisky and recording stuff on the 4 track at night. Thats the plan anyway.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMurray

I live in Nice, in the South of France so I'm spending the summer at home, getting pissed off with the 12 million Italian tourists who will invade the cote d'azur as of next month.
In September I'm off to Palma, Majorca for a real holiday when all the tourists have gone home!

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVics

'Canals with swans'.
Serge,for those not familiar with this particular story, I think you should spill the beans and enlighten them.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Surf City, North Carolina ... I'll bring the Nutella!

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTapRoom

Taking a scenic 9-hour drive up 95 with my two littel girls to visit family and friends in New England. Then off to Toronto for a "We're turning 40" weekend. Funny, I have the same travel dream. Mine's in Rome.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTony C

Have fun on the plane. Violet may surprise you & be an angel. If not, I love the Nutella idea!

My Rachel is a great traveler, but my son Andrew is always at his worst on planes & traveling. I've just learned to roll w/ the dirty looks, unsolicited advice, etc.

We're renting a bungalow down the Jersey shore for a week in August w/ the kids & dogs. I think I'd rather chew off my own limb than travel w/ my kids (Andrew) to Europe.


June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Park City, Utah with my wife's family. 6 total kids ranging from 5 years old to 12. Any suggestions?

Our pediatrician always told us to fly with some kids benadryl in the diaper bag. If it gets bad it takes the edge off for everyone.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Park City Mountain Resort has an Alpine Slide that's fun and all sorts of other fun summer activities like ziplines, horserides, hayrides etc..

Google Park City Mountain Resort summer activities, I tried to post link but it wouldn't work.

You can also ride the Olympic bobsled which I hear is awesome. (must be at least 16)

There's a website called which is pretty helpful too.. and just walking up and down main street and peeping in the shops is always fun.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWife?

My husband and I live in Europe and we're all full up on butter sauce and nude lightbulbs. We'd like to visit Zion National Park this summer. Such is life ;p

June 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

Serge, When I take my kids on a plane, it almost always turns out better than I have planned. I know Violet is too young for TV, but when that time comes, the DVD player wil be your lifeline. Only whip it out when you really need it. Good luck gettin to Philly

June 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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