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Tuesday
May122009

Fools Part 2.

Below is a piece I wrote yesterday in the throes of a powerhouse dose of venomous cotton field blues. I don't know why it came on like it did, but I did find it strange (and really kind of sweet) that Violet also had one of her worst days in weeks yesterday too. She cried and kicked her legs nearly constantly for at least three hours. Neither one of us could even see straight. I checked the moon charts...93% full. Guess that was enough to makes us both all werewolf and shit. Anyways,the post is an indicator of how often my mind spins well out of control and slams into walls I actually built with my own work. I'm not saying it doesn't indicate some fundamental flaws in my relationship...it obviously does. But, I read it today and fairly fascinated by how different I feel a day later. Today I feel normal, like I normally feel. A little hungry. Very very horny. Maybe a bit too caffeinated. In other words, I feel fine. Yesterday I didn't...

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One of these days when the moon is right in the sky and we're both in an OK mood, me and Monica will probably sit down and talk some shit out. And now that Mothers Day is over I can honestly say it might be that we eventually decide to shitcan the whole deal. She wants me to go sit with her and a marriage counselor but I'm afraid I'm past that now. That was two years ago for me. She laughed at the notion then...said it was stupid. Once, though, I got her to go see my therapist with me in Manhattan. She didn't shut up the whole hour. Then, she said it was weird. Oh well.

More and more I think about what life would be like for me if I moved on; if we moved on. It seems so hard to imagine in a way. One thing I do know is that I would concentrate on being a great dad and nothing else. No more romance, no more dates (I never had any dates in my life anyway...how fucked up is that). Sex: nope. Some things won't be all that different, I guess. I would just have to get adjusted to living in Utah on my own though. That could be tough. I'm here because she's here. And now, Violet's here. In a lot of ways I live in my head though, so in a lot of ways I've never been here at all.

Life in an apartment by myself seems wildly horrific to me. Closed in, just me and my five-thousand acres of nagging depression, some cable tv, cheap carpeting. I don't know. How much do you have to take in this world before you don't want no more? I've been alone so much in my life, even in the midst of so many others. So good at tuning out pain and unpleasantness, I might have tuned out too much too often.

When I met Monica she blew my mind. She wanted the same things as me...to live passionately no matter what the price. But she had a good paying job and I didn't. That might have been my downfall, I guess. By the time I had hit thirty-five I still didn't make 250 bucks a week. I played in a band. I was gone from home so much. After a while it chiseled away at any semblance of pride I might of had. I worked really hard and had little to show for it. I became angry inside. Parts of me fell hard to the roadside all over this land. I left huge wads of my soul in morning truck stops and dimly-lit backstage rooms, blowing across cornfields, drowning in creeks by the exit ramps. When other men were climbing the ladder and saving and thinking of the future...I was smoking a cigarette somewhere out there in the night. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe I should have done different. Whose to say?

And now, who knows. I feel so many demons circling my roof. I keep waiting for one of them to smash kick through the glass and swoop in to grab me in its filthy talons. To steal me to the dark.

Then what? Then who's gonna be Violet's daddy? Monica would be fine, I know. New dude down the road. Some asshole. But what about me? How could I be the great dad I dream of being from across this shitty town, camped out in some stupid apartment...miles from the only real and decent love I've ever known...my daughter. I would die for her in a second. But, if I live somewhere else how am I gonna know if its time for that?

Anyhow, I ain't there yet so don't start hissing your snake tongues. But I'm driving past the place over and over and over again. Like a freak. And it sucks.

Reader Comments (18)

I'll bet 7-10 husbands feel the same way at various points. Wives too, probably.

It DOES take balls to throw THAT shit against the world-wide wall; even with the disclaimer.

I will say this; my ex didn't wait for me to pull the plug. She pulled it herself. Quite surprisingly, too.

Trust me brother, those ramifications will make your demons eat you alive for YEARS!

If counseling is what she wants; DO IT. DO IT WITH A SMILE AND AN OPEN HEART AND MIND.

Like I said: trust me!

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

When I first came across Monica's site a couple years back, I caught up on all the posts about how and when you 2 met and finally came together and eloped. Tears came to my eyes. It is such a beautiful love story and I think you deserve a happy ending - I'm sure it's hard as hell somedays - but it's worth fighting for. I truly wish you and your family all the best.

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCindi

Serge, fuck the counseling and his advices.
So serious. Not you.
Does the counseling ever feel out there in the night smoking a cigarrette?
Does this motherfucker ever feel any Marah songs? What the fuck?
another galaxy

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

This is almost too raw to read; and I'm sure just as difficult for Monica to stomach as well.
I wish you both the best.
The putting into words the thoughts of leaving is both your right, but it shouldn't be a real option--anything but that...

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Do you even know Serge personally? Enough to say "not you". Probably not. Probably just a Marah fan who knows him as being on a stage and who wants him to write Marah songs and has NO IDEA who he is as a person. Get over it. Let the man write what he wants to write.

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarahFan

Oh I ain't going anywhere. Monica is stuck with me. And vice versa. And honestly, I love her bad. But yesterday, I felt like exploring an unexplored corner of my imagination. So, I did. It won't be the last time.

As far as it being hard for Monica to stomach...oh I doubt it. She's tried to get rid of my ass at least nine times. Ultimatums, death threats; she called me fat the other day. That's probably why I wrote this piece, come to think of it.

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSerge

Clarification: I made a play on words regarding a song you wrote called "Fatboy." Not exactly the same. Also, you called me slovenly.

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWife?

The content is intense, but the writing is great. I have no judgment on your situation- it's not my place, but I do judge both you and Monica as very honest and good writers! Keep it up, I like to read about real, human relationships....

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

you guys are still freakin' adorable...in a fucked up, hole in your shoe in the rain kinda way sometimes, but still...adorable. love you both. peace. and strength. and damn fine luck.

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLarryB

Ultimatums, death threats; she called me fat the other day. That's probably why I wrote this piece, come to think of it.

Hilarious.

Well, you are such a great writer (as is your wife), that you never know what can come of that. I doubt Heather Armstrong ever knew she'd be making a shitload of money through her personal blog. I just mean that there are probably many things you can do if you did decide you wanted to "catch up" with whatever bullshit financial expectation..

not that you're asking for advice at all, BUT of course any couple could benefit from couple's therapy before actually splitting. it's such a safer way - the couple in question would know that they did everything they could to attempt to resolve the situation.

Anyway, I wish you both the best. I feel guilty being entertained or stimulated by your good writing, particularly when it materialized under distress.

Nature of the beast. This blog thing..

May 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterleyla

Being in a band kinda stunts your growth. You play a song, and the crowd goes wild. Its like a finger-painting for momma. "Good boy, Momma loves you". Its approval. Maturity is an ugly (albeit, necessary) choice sometimes. Its an Epic Poem. You can never stop writing this one. Sometimes only YOU can cheer for yourself. Remember, the option will always remain: You can leave her and have a great big dramatic tantrum. However, in the end, the universe knows that you wanna be a man now.

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Thank you both for clarifying your thoughts...it's strange how worried one can become about strangers.

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You both are awesome writers and I know in the end you will still be together.

I think more couples should sit down and put there thoughts out there and explore their minds instead of holding back. That is the best counseling.

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Yoohoo both of you ( I know Monica does not allow comments) here's how it is: How you feel at any given moment is not how you are going to feel at another moment. Life---that darn thing made up of moments. No one is losing anything here---Serge isn't losing his artistry, he is adding to it by adding this most delirious experience to it---all fodder for the pen. Monica has not lost her Monicaessence, she has added another dimension to her essence. Now, how to go about melding, because you must---first you VOWED to, and that means something and secondly, you created a life that will only bloom if nurtured by both her creators. Really think about it, NOT FAIR to Violet to get the raw end of the Mum and Pops dance of anger, power, regret. That dance needs to include her and celebrate what she brings to each of your unique moves. Move together. be nice. Treat the other as you want to be treated, whether it is reciprocated in your particular time frame or not. I believe we also have a couple of Fire signs here --the passion will not go away--remember--energy is neither created nor destroyed, it just changes form.

Now get to work!

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I soooooooooooooo get where you are coming from as Husband and I have been to hell and back since our son was born. Apparently having a child is like throwing a grenade into a marriage... There was once you. Then you and her. There was lots of time for 'you and her' time. Then came 3 and suddenly there is this amazing being - who takes up all the you time, the her time and all your together time. Add in a complete career change, one person mainly left holding the baby - the isolation that happens with that - and how fucking hard it can be day in and day out (and wonderful obviously) - and no wonder it is all a massive melting pot just seconds away from exploding.

Last thing I will do is give advice - I'm not in your shoes, but I wear a similar pair... Husband and I make sure that somehow we get some 'me and him' time - with no baby. A movie, a quick bottle of red - even a coffee - and remember how to laugh and why we are still here through thick and thin - even if only hanging on by a very thin Victoria Beckham sized thread.

It aint easy. But as our marriage counsellor said (the very lovely Wendy) 'what you gonna do if you leave him? You'll just go find another one - with their own sets of problems.' You know you're in it for keeps - it would be easier to throw in the towel on some full moons - but who ever wants the easier path, how dull would that be? I wish you guys luck - like you did me - and I know you'll find your own way through.

PS.start a book soon Serge, because it's all there for the telling.

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercrummymummy

Esquire has a writing contest on--win some $ Serge!

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

This is rough but I hope you guys stick it out. Marriage is really, really hard. I'm in one myself, so I know. Moved across the country. I used to be the main breadwinner (I'm female). Then, whee, I got laid off. Really challenging to rearrange our roles. Worth it, though.

May 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Your feelings are so valid and so true of many of us out there. What you feel is things that both my husband and I have felt many a time. We often wonder would we be here if it weren't for the kids? Would our kids be better off without us together? But I think the thing that it comes down to is we really do love each other and cannot stomach someone else taking our place no matter how much we want to leave. It's our own personal struggles that make us fight with one another.

Oh just having a baby for new parents tends to put a damper on everything else that isn't directly baby related...(cleaning, great productive conversations, sex, showers....ect.)

The right thing your doing is expressing this all instead of bottling it all up. Even though I hate the man sometimes I am glad he tells me he feels 'done' or wants to leave, rather than just doing so with no explanation...so then we can work it out. (sorry for the mini blog post)

May 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChels

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