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Tuesday
Apr072009

Thunder Pie.

If you are a new dad then you don't know shit.

I have to believe this as my life falls apart in front of my fat face. Wife? wants me to move out and get an apartment. She says I am selfish because I want to go fishing and never really get up in the middle of the night when WeeOne is screeching death. Then, when I do hold WeeOne in my arms, I spazz out if she begins to get fussy. I thought I was going to shine as a father. But, no.

Last night, as Wife? attempted to calm me down and show me some calming stuff, I ripped open my shirt and tried to breastfeed my shrieking daughter. I had wild eyes and I could even hear the Zoloft in my bloodstream just give up like ballet boys on the Little League field. What's the use, they sighed. We are not designed for this. This seems to happen more often than not. WeeOne was weaned on her mama's milk and touch and whispers. Me, I am just some rough skinned lummox who waves Tigger the Tiger around like a gun. No wonder my own baby might not even like me.

Now I am sad.

I love WeeOne more than the dumb-ass cliches that say you will never know love until you have a child. I love her enough to wish I was more. More tender, more patient. More fucking sane than the ex-rocker who used to huff Dust-Off in the back halls of a mall when other people were developing social skills and growing mentally and emotionally.

Anyway, tomorrow Wife? goes back to work after three months off. At one pm I leave work and come home. I am taking over WeeOne's life. Please join me, you judgemental bastards...

Reader Comments (28)

not that i'm being "judgemental" or anything... but you spelled judgmental wrong.

April 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWife?

The taxes here in Canada are too high but most jobs allow a year off for 1 of the parents to be home with the babe, I just don't know how anyone can adjust so quickly to a newborn--though the economy may force it.
This will get better even though it seems crazy now (especially if its colic).
Go listen to Kate Bush/Peter Gabriel "Don't give up" and don't leave.
Is there any way for Monica to stay at home longer?

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Glad to be reading your thoughts, Serge. I have a feeling you will really get in the groove of this fatherhood thing once you are home alone with Violet. Once she is used to the routine, I'll bet she loves it, too.

Good luck tomorrow (today?), we'll be rooting for you!

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKate

All completely normal. You guys just don't know that yet because you are new to it.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJim

WeeOne thinks you are god! Trust me!

It has all only begun

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEdward

I think you kids will be alright. If WeeOne is fussy sometimes, maybe her pediatrician can help? ;)

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

seriously, you are correct in that new dads don't know shit. i've been there. no one know what the hell is happening when there a newborn in the mix. we are all chemically equipped to make it work, though. it just varies person to person as to how long it takes for the groove to be found. it will be found, though. love you, serge & serge's family.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Maybe you and the Mrs should look through all her old blog posts...over the course of your relationship, I'm pretty sure over half of thegirlwho fanclub has fallen madly in love with you, and the other half for her.
Maybe it won't do anything but make yall sad, but it's worth a try. Worst it could do is start a fight.

Anyway, aside from my lecturing... (what do I know? I'm not married!) good begining post. Funny and sad, with a hint of pride and a side of desperation.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Your first sentence says it all. Except I would edit that sentence to just "Dads don't know shit!" No Dad is as good as Mom, or as patient as Mom, or can hear the baby crying from 4 miles away, or knows that the baby's cry has a different octaves depending on what they want. Hang in there. Tomorrow when she is at work, you can start whisperining sweet nothings to her and begin the transition of turning her against her mother.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIsaac and Lyndee

I have been reading Monica's blog for a long time and I think you are both wonderful people and I am sure you will make it through this!

Just remember you are in this together!!!

You must remind yourself every now and again:
"Monica is not the enemy"

And I say the same to Monica who no doubt will be reading this:
"Serge is not the enemy"

You both have gone through a lot of stuff separately and together, you truly love each other and you have survived.

Appreciate and support each other and once you put things right between you two you will be free to enjoy your beautiful little daughter.

Best wishes from the other side of the world.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPaula

From the standpoint of one who has just celebrated her 44th anniversary....marriage is NOT easy. The proverbial good times and bad are there and often it seems as if the good times simply are a transition into the bad with little time to catch your breath. That being said...married is better, vastly better. When our children were born the economy was far different & everyone I know had a baby nurse to get them over the hump. With my first, I kept her for 3 weeks and remember distinctly thrusting the baby into her arms while she wasn't yet in the door as she returned from a day off! I knew better with the 2nd and even though we adopted him (not our first), I kept that nurse 6...that's right...6....weeks, until he slept through the night. It made life so much easier. We weren't constantly sleep-deprived. That's part of your & Monica's problem.

Keep in mind that Violet needs & loves both of you and that all else takes a back seat. Get yourselves to that couples counsellor, believe that you're going to work hard at this marriage & that it will be successful. You loved each other enough to marry and have a child, and you're going to love each other enough to provide a happy, secure home for her.

Oh, and btw, my husband loves to fly fish also. It's not my thing, to put it mildly, and you may have to fish not quite as long or often as you do now.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Serge ex-rocker?
this is one of the saddest thing i read on the last months...
I wanna see you on the road with your bro!You were born to rock!!!

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

No Dad knows how to do this stuff (not just you). Newborns don't like their Dads for awhile. You're just the hired help. The guy who changes diapers and does errands for Mom. Pretty soon, though, you'll be a strong second to Monica and will be the only other person able to calm Violet.

One last thought -- newborns change fast. So, hang in and the situation with your darling little girl will change before you know it.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I have a 5 month girl at home and a first time dad that doesn't know shit. When I saw the picture of you holding Violet when she was born and was completely jealous. I wanted My WeeOnes dad to be that comfortable with her, like you were. I hate to say it but I found personal comfort in the fact you are struggling...not in a I hope you fail kind of way...because you won't, but in a "my god we are normal!" kind of way. I am going to print out your blog everyday for my baby daddy, maybe it will help him feel normal as well, help him bond with his little girl. BTW...keep trying, you guys can do it, and it is worth it! We are all rooting for you! And ALL little girls LOVE their Daddy!

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJazzylove

Great Daddy!
Best wishes from Italy


Luca Skywalker
http://www.myspace.com/marahitalia

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

advice from a veteran Manny:

remember - until the kid can talk, Mama ain't gotta know if you dropped the kid. no matter how many times ;)

good luck brah!

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime

I have 2 brothers, 2 brothers-in-law, and countless friends who have been through something similar. Things always take a turn for the better, but it never happens at the same time.

Hang in there. I'll be thinking of the three of you and hoping for the best.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I read Monica's blog (I hate myself for it but I want the Marah tidbits) and several things bug/worry me about what's going on (like the quitting breastfeeding after a few months because I don't like the way my boobs look and writing about quitting breasfeeding because I don't like the way my boobs look). You got reason to be annoyed/worried/spazzy from what I can tell. It it not normal to be fighting so much with a 3 month year old.. BUT

That doesn't mean shit. Monica is your girl's mom and she -- no matter how freaky right now -- has to be number one She's got a right to as freaky as she wants to be. It's ONLY been a FEW months since she gave BIRTH to YOUR baby. You gotta suck it up and put her and Violet first for awhile. Stop going fishing. Wake up and do a feeding. Stop the f''ing drama. What are you doing fake breast feeding and freaking out your kid and wife? Cut out the self pity bullshit about "I wish I could be more tender, more caring." BE more tender and more caring. You know you can. Shut down this f'in'g blog -- you're pissing Monica off. Focus on making them happy, and you'll get happy. Don't expect your wife or kid to be like your mom or your ideal of a mom. Let them be themselves (as freaky as they want to be). Your job is to support, listen, learn and back them up. New Dads don't know shit. You DON'T know shit. It is not equal for awhile. Grow up or you're going to lose your family. As Corey says in "Say Anything." "Don't be a guy... be a man... the world is full of guys."

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjudgemental bastard

First - it is TOTALLY normal to be fighting this much with a 3 month old. Anyone who has dealt with the adjustment of having a newborn can tell you that it was probably the hardest time in their life/marriage Also, how and why a woman chooses or chooses not to breastfeed is nobody's f-ing business but her own. Kudos to Monica for lasting a month. I lasted a week. Judgemental Bastard, you are just that, a judgemental bastard who also spelled it wrong.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Shit, I just realized, even as I read what I had typed a while ago about reading her old posts, that we all just need to back the fuck out of it. This is THEIR relationship, not ours, and our 'counseling' isn't really gonna help.
So, sorry.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

No lectures. No advice. No easy answers.
I pray for calm and easy comunication.
Much love,
A Friend

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Hang in there. It takes time and work and they are both worth it.

April 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Serge, having a daughter is the greatest thing in the world. It's hard sure, but just sit and watch her sleeping. There's no greater feeling.

Your world is crazy right now - well crazy in a different way I guess. But soon it will all make sense.

Violet is a lucky girl to have two amazing parents and you guys will get it right. Have faith.

Gordon

This goes out to both of you...

I have followed Monica´s blog for a long time, and often seen this beautiful, troubled woman as someone I could become friends with, if we were to accidentally run into each other.
And damn, I am picky with friends.

The unadorned honesty, the sarcasm, the self-depreciation, that eternal struggle
...feeling familiar.

I just wanted to let you know that I am rooting for you guys to make it as a couple, as a family. I think you are terrific people.

I am in no position to make give any smart advice, I am not a mother yet, but I assume there will be more big ass rocks on your path...i have no doubt you, Serge, will ease into being a wonderful dad, and your bonding with your little girl might make Monica feel left out suddenly - I for my part would certainly struggle with jealousy at some point.

Just always realize that neither marriage nor parenthood are an easy path or a perpetual state of bliss... maybe you can come to see the problems here and ahead as a challenge to rise up to, something to grow on as humans.

I just feel there will most likely bigger, uglier, more nasty problems coming the way of all of you if you give up and decide to separate.
With all my heart, I hope you´ll make it through the rough times.
Alex

April 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I fucking knew that "Songbirds" was about fly fishing!!!

April 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteress_pee

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