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On Saturday We Rocked.

Its 7am on a Saturday and I am not hung over in a hotel bed. And I wonder what that means. For so long, my life was double-stapled to a few sure things, things that defined the road I'd taken. Bleary eyed early mornings in far flung places was my thing. With last night's sweat caked to my skin like a fried trout, I'd bounce out of a bed I'd never sleep in again and prepare to travel hundreds of miles away from that place fast. Playing in a rock'n'roll band meant moving, always. Stopping, pausing was suicide. What love and money had been available to you a few hours ago were completely gone now. To survive, you had to go.

But here I am this morning writing on a laptop by a muted TV. I am not still drunk from last night. I didn't drink at all. There is no mysterious hot woman here looking for her other Chuck Taylor. There is a woman who remains a mystery to me and she's sexy as fuck and all, but she is sleeping like a stone in the bedroom, there's an empty wine bottle by the trashcan in the kitchen, and if she's dreaming at all right now: it ain't about me. And there's my peanut here too; Violet...passed out in her electric swing. Milk drunk. And the whole little vignette has got me positively confused this morning as to whether or not all my youth is dead.

Its the stuff of so many novels and memoirs, I know. The whole searching your heart for the truer meaning of life. Family is everything. Strength and Honor. But its all so exhausting too. At what point did I actually make the decision that seems to have somehow been made here? At what precise moment, at what exact second, did my mind and my heart and my gut all limp over to the same beater convertible, climb in with resignation faces, and head off over the proverbial distant hills dipping below a sunset horizon and pointed at the fairytale cities of FinallyGrownUp and BitterFucker...uncertain which one they'd eventually settle on. And where the heck was I when this was going down? How come I keep missing these somewhat monumental decision-making Pow-Wows that decide, like, everything.

I don't know what I really want and that pisses me off. I am probably supposed to have it somewhat figured out by now. I don't. In my adult life I delivered auto parts and then played guitar. For years. So, I wasn't exactly your Mr Career Path. Don't get me wrong either, I had a blast. A sensational blast. And what's to will be a blast too. Maybe even more of a blast, but different. I know this. It's just...oh forget it.

What I don't know for certain is what I'm supposed to do today. It's going to be a rainy Saturday and I am in a city I never dreamed I'd live in with a wife and a baby I'd never dreamed would know me and actually love me with serious dependent love and we can't just go around killing time walking around the damn mall or whatever now can we?

Dude, dude, dude. Of course you can.

Reader Comments (17)

Your blog rocks.

April 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

THat was beautiful. Whether it ends up as a song lyric or a blog post you have an amazing ability to invest every day stuff with, I dunno, meaning. And not sounding stupid or cloying doing it. THat's really hard and it reads like it's just rolling right out of your mouth. So, it doesn't matter what you do, man, as long as when you're done you tell us about it.

April 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentereleni

Be present in the NOW, worry about the Future tomorrow, the Past has been slumbering for hours.
Easier said than done. Enjoy the time you have with the people you are with. Ask what you want out of life, then figure out where the pieces of the puzzle fit.
Doesn't it feel grand to be awake without an ache? And know where you left your socks.


April 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Wanna write a musical?

April 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterereiberg

There's an art show at the Art Access Gallery at 230 S 500 W (artists in their 80's and another guy from the Congo), and one at Salt Lake Art Center (blind artists). Both are free. Just fyi. Nice activity for a rainy day.

April 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Serge, this post made me so sad.
Your family is quite beautiful and it's incredible that you get to spend so much time with Violet right now. What a lucky little girl she is.
You're gifted in so many ways. I hope you can find a way to be there for your family & still pursue your dreams.

April 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Hey man, don't know you, but you're a damn fine writer. You've got the gift of saying in one sentence what a lot of people struggle to say in four pages. Case in point: "There is no mysterious hot woman here looking for her other Chuck Taylor." Good work!

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchris

Serge, you're a talented motherf'ker - incredible what you've already put out there (lyrics alone to Feather Boa and Wild West LS, man). I'm a writer and don't have a body of work anywhere close.

So, here's a random thought. Keep on creating. If you can't play and tour with Dave and Marah right now, play or create in SLC. You're not that far from LA. Lots of talent out there. I've had a lot of jobs and one thing I've found is that all work sucks -- because its work. So, if you find a gig that can be fun and rewarding, why not keep on pulling on that thread... I know you gotta put the family first but maybe there's a way...

Any, look forward to seeing what you come up with. I'm also looking to seeing what Dave does on his own with Christine.

BTW, where did all the Bielanko talent come from? Pretty cool..

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfellowdad

Serge- now this has turned a corner...much like you feel your life has...the corner's are always (have always been) there...we define (sometimes in blog form) when one's been 'turned'....sometimes... reality, you've been turning 'em all along...growth doesn't come w/o...and your writing, thoughts, evolutions, 'maturity' (such a fucked/bastardized concept) belie/reveal this... all of who you are in the moment and strangle every ounce of happiness you can out of where you are and who you're is often suffering and confusion and hard times...don't ruin the glory by jumping all over it in your work boots...ride that wave, raise your hand andkeep your dancing shoes w/i all times. peace, my brother.

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLarryB.

maybe you should read dianetics...

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

oh...and true any form..if its what you've found...never take t for granted nor turn matter how strong you have to be.

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLarryB.

"My personal view is that Sally got caught unawares in the great, deep, and confusing eddy of contingency, which has other contingency streams running into it, some visible, some too deep-coursing for us to know about. That she began, in spite of what she might’ve said, to fear permanence, to fear no longer becoming, to dread a life that couldn’t be trashed and squandered. Put simply, she was unprepared to be like me—which is a natural state that marriage ought to accommodate and make survivable...Wally may have reminded Sally that she had unfinished business in the last century and couldn’t reason it away in the jolly manner in which I’d reasoned myself into a late-in-life marriage and lived happily by its easy-does-it house rules...I’ll admit that I’m no longer so blue about Sally’s absence as once I was. I don’t feature myself living alone forever...and mostly tend to think of life itself as a made-up thing composed of today, maybe tomorrow, and probably not the next day, with as little of the past added in as possible. I feel, in fact, a goodly tincture of regret for rechoosing Wally she has embraced the impossible, inaccessible past, and by doing so has risked or even exhausted an extremely useful longing—possibly her most important one, the one she’s made good use of all these years to fuel her present, where I found a place. This is why the dead should stay dead and why in time the land lies smooth all around them.

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkevin

...sorry, but I forgot the attribution:

"How Was It To Be Dead," Richard Ford

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkevin

What would L. Ron Hubbard do? That's what you should be asking yourself here. I mean really, it's not even being mentioned. Why?

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

FuCK... aren't we brothers?
I know what you feel.
You could enjoy both of things,
gracias, rafael ññ

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I have 2 kids and don't usually give advice but here's 2 things I would tell any new Dad/family:

1) Don't make any big decisions for about 6 months after having a baby. Just enjoy it and do your best.

2) Be true to yourself - your wife and child will be better for it in the long run. I don't know what that means and it sounds like you don't either. I tried to take a different job so I could go home every night and I just made my family miserable because I was miserable. You'll figure it out. We did.

April 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Your shit is happening, my bro!
Words were always your gift anyway.
Just don't get full of yourself.
It HAS to come out. It has so far.

April 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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