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Monica Bielanko
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Modern Love.

Me and my wife will be married forever, and probably, the way things are going, in the goddamn After-Life too. I know this despite recent events because I smell love coming from our room. It is early in the morning here and I woke up at Violet's first chirps of the day. Mainly that happened because when I heard her and rolled over and looked at my phone it said it was 4:30am and that's when TMZ comes on the tv. So: I lifted her gently out of the crib and we moved on in the darkness, toward the gossipy light. A few steps on, I felt my daughter's tiny bottom let out a tiny fart and it wafted up kind of milky and not unsweet and so I just knew then and there that anybody who could team up with me to create such a tiny bit of pure tiny awesomeness, well, that woman was gonna have staying power. Long long love. Like it or not.

Then, I got Violet to sleep in the swing for a bit and was feeling sorta romantic for Monica...well, during the commercials. She's a really complicated treasure with a tender motherly heart. And she loves me with the gangsta fierceness that sometimes means she has to bitch-slap me in the face, but that once we settle down, maybe gorge on some burritos, we all good. Often, we end up even better than before. Now lately, she's been acting kind of sexy like, showing me her pre-baby jeans on her ass and stuff. This is never bad.

The thing is though, I never even really noticed any weight gain on her. I mean, yeah she did get pregnant with a baby and all but I guess maybe that didn't register with me as a physical weight thing. It almost seemed more like spiritual. Or like she was just wearing an easily un-zipable fat suit. Maybe it's because there wasn't exactly a lot of doin' it on the kitchen counter while she was busy throwing up every twenty my sexual radar wasn't powered to full. Whatever it was, I always felt she looked glowing (sweaty?) and natural (pissed?).

Now though, we are back landed on Earth. Back to real life with baby. And if my lady says she wants to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight, well then who the hell am I to say anything? Look at Tori Spelling, right hon? That girl had her second baby and then was back to HER OWN BIRTH WEIGHT of 8 lbs 4 oz within a day. Nice. Plus, the way I see it, I weigh way less now than I did in high school when I'd smoke three bowls after my mom went to bed and then eat mozzarella sticks or Twinkies dipped in pudding cup.

It's hard being the hot one, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. That's all I'm saying.

Reader Comments (10)

Twinkies dipped in a pudding cup. LOVE IT. Laughed out loud & now all the poeple around are giving me "the eye".

Love the new blog. -Kate

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie Hyde

Didn't your wife just blog (and then delete) that she called your mother in the middle of the night because she was throwing you out of the house?

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I hope you and Monica can figure out how to have a stable relationship, because you're going to screw Violet's life up if you don't. If you love your daughter--learn to be healthy.

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You're funny, Serge! I like reading your perspective and how both you and motherofyourchild are keeepin' it real.

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Anonymous said...

didn't your wife just blog (and then delete) that she called your mother in the middle of the night because she was throwing you out of the house?

Monica says...
yes, I did. I believe that's why Serge said "despite recent events."

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterthe girl who

Serge, can I have your vest?

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I just knew you kids would be alright. :)

April 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Seriously, what the hell is up with this stupid person judging your relationship?? I love how they remained anonymous. I think you and Monica are the most honest and loving parents. You can tell a lot about a person by their writing and I guess these ridiculous comments are just a side-effect of being open. I respect that you left it on here because it shows that you are not insecure about your marriage and its refreshing.

April 18, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermizkylie

Harry died and got his send-off. Lidge just blew a save. Can't you people just leave Ward and June alone??? Despite recent events???

April 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Hey Serge, Congrats on the new baby....just happened to stumble on this web site, from facebook. Hope all is well....We went to school together. All the best!


April 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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