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Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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Sunday
Sep202015

Your Tits of Yore

Every mom knows your tits change sizes eleventy-nine times throughout the course of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and postpartum weight loss/gain/loss/gain. Buying a bra during that time is pretty futile, unless it's a bra designed specifically for breastfeeding or whatever.

You know the drill. Your boobs are suddenly huge, your friend points out an unfortunate case of double boob you didn't notice because you're so freaked out by all the other weird shit going on with your body, so you grab the cheapest bullshit you can find on sale at Target when stocking up on baby gear while telling yourself you aren't going to be pregnant forever and what's the point of splashing out on an expensive 'nice' bra if you're just going to change sizes again?

Several months later you find yourself splashing out anyway on a nursing bra because you realize tit flaps make everything easier - yay tit flaps! - and then, as your boobs deflate, you start fitting back into your old bras but now they're your old bras and they don't fit quite the same way anymore. Maybe the cups still fit but the part that goes around your rib cage area is too goddamn tight because backfat. Fucking backfat. What the fuck, backfat?

And then your kid is almost one and you're still wearing bullshit bras because diapers are fucking expensive and if you have to choose between bras and diapers you're going with diapers every time and you don't even have time to go to a nice place to get a bra that fits properly and if you do have time you're choosing between sitting on your couch and watching TV or going to the store to buy a nice bra and you're going with couch and TV every time so you keep grabbing shit off the shelf in Walmart as you push your cart past, kid screaming to beat the band and no time to even fuck around in a dressing room and if you do have time to fuck around in a dressing room you don't want to fuck around in a Walmart or Target dressing room because you don't even know what size bra you wear anymore so if you're going to spend the time fucking around in a dressing room you figure it may as well be a dressing room at Victoria's Secret or Macy's where a 23-year-old with awesome tits will hold aloft your tired tits and give you some kind of official measurement but when in god's name are you ever passing a Victoria's Secret and so suddenly your kid is almost two and you've got this rag tag collection of shitty bras of different sizes based on when you bought them and oh you're pregnant again so why buy a bra now or now that you're done having kids your tits don't even resemble your tits of yore and now that you're thinking about it GODDAMN but you used to have nice tits and you didn't even appreciate them until you found yourself with these old funbags and don't get me wrong, your funbags are still pretty fun but all you're saying is that just maybe you're kinda bummed that sexting wasn't around when you were in your twenties so at least maybe you'd have some kind of photographic record of your tits of yore and it's a crying goddamn shame you didn't appreciate your tits of yore back when it was yore.

In summary, two things: 1) APPRECIATE YOUR TITS NOW and 2) I need a new bra.

IN MEMORIAM: tits of yore circa '05:

Reader Comments (10)

Holy shit! Yes to all of this! 🙌

Try true.com - pretty cool! Bras to your door!

September 20, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

God. This. Everything about this. Particularly the memoriam. Shit I miss my tits. Keep writing.

September 21, 2015 | Unregistered Commentervtlogcabin

LOL. YES, to all of this.

September 21, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJosey

wait it out, then buy some new tits. where's the problem?

September 21, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterCarvel

@Carvel - I wish I could! I try to wrap my brain around the concept but I don't think it's for me. Maybe in a few years I'll change my tune.

September 22, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMonicaBielanko

I was recently shocked, when I went to get sized for a bra.

September 23, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterI.Monae

funny...
in the same spirit, you could have recreated the picture from 10 years ago, and post them together...

September 24, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterfahrenheit

That was one long-ass run-on sentence, but I like it.

Third summary item: don't have children and your tits stay pretty fresh well into your 40s. Just sayin.

September 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

I think you look pretty fab!

November 11, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterLola

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