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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Thursday
Feb232006

Up In Smoke

My betrothed and I were watching the Olympic skiers do their downhill thang... and I could feel The Surge's eyes skiing the slope of my profile.
"What?"
"You miss it, don't you?"
"Miss what?"
"The sexy skier guys."

Admittedly, I had trouble getting over The Ex when The Surge and I tied that complicated marital knot (tougher than the boy scout merit badge knot, the nuptial knot is). But my feelings for The Ex were built solidly on sand. Quicksand, at that.

I've always been a girl that loves a challenge. Adore the chase and the triumph of crossing the finish line. It's part of The Grass Is Greener syndrome. But what happens when you finally find yourself picnicking on the greener grass? You notice the brown spots, the insects - and those fucking ants won't stay out of the potato salad!

The Ex is a good man. But The Surge he ain't. I'm mulling this one over because I recently discovered that a song on The Surge's latest album is about his feeling like The Ex was in bed with us during the early months of our marriage. And maybe he was tucked in there somewhere. Unfortunately, I had to conduct the messy postmortem on that relationship while married to The Surge. Not because I was still in love with The Ex but because The Surge and I got hitched before I had scaled that mountain of a cliche called CLOSURE..

The Ex was a hard habit to break. Like smoking - you can quit cold turkey.. One day you decide that's it, you're done! You don't smoke anymore. You don't WANT to smoke, even. But that doesn't stop you from thinking about that sweet nicotine buzz from time to time. Eventually the smoky ghost whispers dissolve into thin air and your mind doesn't concern itself with cigarette dreams.. except maybe when you're drunk in a bar and the silky smoke from someone else's Marlboro Light attempts to seduce you with it's haunting caress... Then, maybe you reminicse - for just a moment - about the days when you smoked. You had some good times with your cigarettes, but you're glad you don't smoke. All the smoking made you sick, it was unhealthy. You're in a much better place now.

Reader Comments (23)

Come clean! What song is it?
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJilly

But where's the fun in that? You'll just have to listen to the album again.

February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who
Love this, my own story is so similar. Except my ex unfortunetly isn't a sexy skiier. You are able to write everything that I cannot and I am so envious of that.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMerteuil
Damn woman, all your metaphors are spot on. Make them a little more obscure and you got yourself some proverbs.

How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?

Prov. 1-22
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
Look who's quoting the bible..


"the scorners delight in their scorning and fools hate knowledge.." that's ironic when applied to organized religions who worship the bible, aint it?
February 23, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Rock 'n' roll boys are much sexier than skiier boys!

Is there a blog on the ex that I missed? Just feels like he appeared without a backstory. Not that the backstory is really any of my business ...

Smoking metaphor: ironic?
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
exactly why this old man put it in there....Don't I love irony?
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentercchild
did you say all of this to The Surge? you should.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterghost
demon of white sadness would be my guess.

i'd also guess that, if something regarding serge shows up here, it was run by him first.

but these are just guesses.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkasey
Ahem. Ahem.

I'll have you know that I am, in many worldly circles, quite well known for my sledding prowess. there was a time once when I believe that Olympic scouts would park secretly at Valley Forge Park and watch me from behind tinted van windows as I continually made run after run down those wintery hills. And, at 7 years old, to have weaved my way between monuments and log cabins with such unassuming grace....well, let's just say that I coulda been a contender...had I so wished to stick with the sled.

Of course, men tend to romanticize their homeruns of yesteryear. Still: there was magic in my style. Just ask my mom if you think I'm fuckin' about.

I also bodysurfed with the quickness.

s
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersurge
hi monica,
i emailed you to say hello a couple months ago when i first found your blog... and just wanted to write again and say that i've been reading regularly ever since. i've really related to a lot of your posts... and enjoyed reading the archives. i'm facinated by your experiences growing up in utah!-- it couldn't be more different than my own, (in san francisco with hippie parents). i'm impressed by your refletion on everything and i'm always looking forward to your new posts.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterlc
Well, the least you could do is tell us which powderwhore he is! Since there's pics on the site and all.

Which ever one, your husband is better and you know it. That's the only thing that keeps some ex's doors shut for me, I have to play the stack up game and Nick wins every time, hands down.

It's good to be married, but it's not easy.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW

kasey - good guess.

Why thank you lc... I hope I replied to your email.. Sometimes I get lost in Yahoo - can't remember if I'm coming or going.

EDW - I'd hate to point fingers at The Ex... he may very well still be recovering from my madness...

And The Surge - I believe I have in my possession some photos of you sledding face first down a mountain of some stature in Colorado - about two feet of air between the sled and the snow..

February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who
Rockers are much yummier than skiers. Rock men get me hot, skiers leave me oh so cold.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterGemma
Ahhhh - the ex. Exes are always exes for a reason. In my case always HUGE glaring elephant sized reasons. They do haunt every so often whether it is for good or for bad. I can't speak for you Monica but I would imagine having Serge travel so much keeps them lurking in the shadows more often than not. Regardless of what your husband does for a living he is your husband...my husband is in advertising. I know, I know very glamorous - you can ask for his autograph if you ever meet him! But seriously, just because your husband is in a (kick ass) band doesn't make this whole marriage thing any easier. At the end of the day it is natural to remember but memory has a funny way of discarding the black and keeping the white. And I dare say that 'cigarettes' have caused much cancer in my past relationships. This time around my marriage is a very pink lung!
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle
"I've always been a girl that loves a challenge. Adore the chase and the triumph of crossing the finish line. It's part of The Grass Is Greener syndrome. But what happens when you finally find yourself picnicking on the greener grass? You notice the brown spots, the insects - and those fucking ants won't stay out of the potato salad!"

Isn't that the truth. cchild is right. Your metaphors in this one are brilliant. Keep it coming.

"
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
I thought you didn't smoke, Monica.

You are right. Fact is, Ciggy's ain't your friends. They are the boredom crutches for a man (me), who can't feel worthy enough to read, or call someone, or silently meditate, or...whatever. They call my name during bronchial distress. "We'll help you cough up everything." "Light me. Trust me. You'll feel better, promise!" Or after that delicious box of mac and cheese with the kosher hot dogs. "What goes better with salt, big fella?" Come on over! Have a cup of coffee, too."

BTW, I've seen the hypnostist, chewed the gum,went cold turkey, did the patch, watched my mom succumb at 64 to a Melanoma that had the speed of a Norwegian downhill skier. Nothing has worked for very long. It's insidious and...I wonder how those Carolina dope pushers live with themselves?

At this point, I'm waiting for some info-mercial to save me. "Send us $149.99 and we'll remove the part of your weak-ass brain, and weak-ass metabolism that makes you kill yourself 5 minutes at a time."

Stupid? Ask da Surge.

I'm goin' out in the 30mph winds to have a Camel Light, now.

As per the ex, you've been right about that all along.
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjoe
You are correct joe.. don't smoke, never have.. guess the Mormon religion was good for somethin'...As my friends and The Surge all smoke, I often get an earful about the struggle to kick the habit.. and thought the metaphor apropos..
February 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMonica
surge.....bodysurfing with quickness...I like that...you know what one of the most dangerous sports ever is....bodysurfing in Sea Isle City at 1:00 am with ten drunkerds....If you don't believe try it...and if you live we'll talk...remember there are sharks in Jersey!!!!
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Perhaps I am weird, but I took something completely different from this post. I think I envied (envy?) you for throwing yourself into something new so completely and that it ultimately turned out to be the best thing for you. I've always waited for closure and have always wondered if I don't secretly enjoy being miserable, wallowing away in the smoke of an ex.
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCinco Lover
I think I took a bit of enjoyment out of being miserable.. I got a bit too comfortable there.. I had the specter of love, but didn't have to deal with the day to day difficulty of a relationship..

If you want backstory on The Ex read "Mormon To Married In Manhattan" in The Girl Who section, it'll help you figure out which Powderwhore he is too...
February 24, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Well, first of all, I'm an idiot because I DID read that and it never clicked..and second, I did a little browsing on the other site before i posted the other day, and thought, I bet it's the guy with the dogs.

What can I say? I'm no detective. Never was a snooping girlfriend, so I'm gonna suck as a mom of a teen one day!

Monica, edit this out if you have to.
February 24, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Nah. It's all right. Actually - I took the photo of said guy with dogs. He's a good guy. Still consider him a very good friend.
February 24, 2006 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

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