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Monday
Sep162013

The State of Me



I've gained around fifteen pounds so far. Most of it in my ass. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was carrying twins back there: a baby per ass cheek. That's the way it always goes with me. My ass wants to be big so badly. And not in a Kim Kardashian/J Lo KAPOW kind of way. In a big, broad, shoulder blade to backs of knees, wide load kind of way. You think I'm exaggerating but you'll note how the photo is framed. I'm no dummy. THIS photo may be in circulation but I've got to draw the line somewhere.

We should be learning the baby's sex within the next two or three weeks, depending on when they schedule the ultrasound appointment. Our midwife works in conjunction with a hospital and we like finding out whether it's a boy or a girl so we'll head over there to see just who's growing in there and make sure everything is A-okay all up in my guts; all arms and legs accounted for, that kind of thing.

I've been going to the gym lately in an effort to keep my muscles from disintegrating, keep my arm skins from flapping around like a flag in a hurricane. Thirty minutes on the elliptical and some very light weight lifting. So that's good. I don't think I stepped foot in a gym during my previous pregnancies so I feel like an Olympian when I leave the joint. And I went back to blonde. Which feels more like me than any other color. I need to just leave my damn hair alone. I keep going brown on a whim because Oooh, exotic. Cut to five months later when it's the color of a dirty New York City street rat and I feel really shitty about myself and I'm not sure why until I go back to blonde and realize, Oh. I don't really like being brown all that much.

Serge is really annoying me lately. And likewise, I'm sure. I don't know if this is because of the pregnancy hormones or if he is behaving in a way that legitimizes my annoyance but there it is. Thank God for our office because he spends most of his day working there and I've been writing from home. Could you imagine if we had to share a home office? Some kind of desks pushed against each other sitcom-ish scenario:

ME: DO YOU HAVE TO HIT THE KEYS SO HARD WHEN YOU TYPE?

ME: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU BREATHING.

ME: YOUR NOSE IS WHISTLING.

ME: ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE? IS THAT YOUR DEODORANT? WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

On second thought, maybe I'M the annoying one. But I'll just go ahead and blame it on the pregnancy hormones. Yeah, that's it. It's the pregnancy hormones.

Reader Comments (12)

Ignore future impulses to go back to being a brunette. You look wonderful as a blonde!

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCarole

ugh, i hate to do this, but i think you would actually appreciate it (depending on how easily annoyed you feel based on those pregnancy hormones) --
you're finding out the baby's sex, not its gender. Sex is the biological makeup and gender is a social/cultural construct.
i feel safe saying this only because in following you all these years, i know how passionate you are about LGBT equality and rights.

(feel free to be annoyed with me)

also - you look gorgeous. LOVE the blonde.

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermr

@mr - Noted and fixed!

September 16, 2013 | Registered CommenterThe Girl Who...

I was a sub-human asshole during my third pregnancy. I just was not at all right in my head and I probably should have withdrawn to a cave for 9 months. I don't know what it was all about because I did not have that kind of crazy hormone business in my first two pregnancies. But all of that nastiness went away immediately after I gave birth. I remember telling my husband that our older two kids (then 4 and 2 1/2) wouldn't know what to make of me once I got home from the hospital -- a patient, kind, loving mother? Damn! Who is this lady??

Hang in there! Third babies (once they're actually out) are amazing.

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

I kinda noticed that you haven't mentioned Serge in your last few posts. Glad you're feeling better. Does this mean you will only gain 30lbs since you're halfway through??? :) Also, did you mean to say 14 months or 4 ?
Regarding your hair... I was a fake blonde for 15 years then I shaved all my hair off (charity event) in March and found out that I have really mousey brownish hair (totally fooled my husband cause he thought I was a natural, but really, except for a few with Swedish blood, who is a natural blonde as an adult?). And now I can't decide what to do as I've saved tons of money by not going to the salon for highlights, but I feel like I look GOTH with pale skin and dark hair... and I'm pretty sure I'm 15 years too late for the goth look.

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieLee

@BonnieLee - Oh for hellsakes. 4 months. Good lord. You see? You see how well my brain is functioning?

September 16, 2013 | Registered CommenterThe Girl Who...

I went back and forth with hair color for years and years until I became allergic to the coloring. I'm actually happy it settled things once and for all. My natural light brown hair is pretty. (and I LOVED your brown hair btw.)

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCassandra

You look gorgeous, per usual. Is it weird that I'm so excited to find out the sex of the baby? SO. EXCITED.

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTracey

Oh my gosh, for the first few months of this pregnancy I became absolutely evil! I was cranky, had no patience, everything bothered me, I cried all of the time - it was horrible. I actually began worrying (this is screwed up) that somehow this was my BABY's personality coming through, not mine. Things have settled down a little bit at nealry the 5 month mark - just a few weeks ago I had to point out to Ian that hey, i was nice again! This is completely opposite of my previous pregnancy so it took me by surprise.

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney

you are so funny!!!
p.s.
Blondes really do have more fun!

September 16, 2013 | Unregistered Commentershuga

You looks wornderfull and so cute as a blonde! I'm sure you are so excited but getting ready for the biggest push in life of a woman.

September 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersandy

I second the 'i was subhuman during my third pregnancy' comment. I was such a mess with Ever. you look hot. and plump ass is awesome. enjoy the rump. my best advice. :)

September 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie May

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