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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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« Coming Off The Drug | Main | Confirmation »
Thursday
May152008

Surreality

I've really thought about nothing since Tuesday except for the fact that I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby! We're having a baby. After waiting my entire life for this, wondering what my kids will be like, speculating about baby names from age 15 on up - I'M HAVING A BABY!

I've been living life as if in a dream. While at work I feel like everyone who so much as glances at me should be able to tell that I am having a baby. Of course they have no clue, however I've nearly been busted a few times while logging onto various websites like babycenter.com and so forth.

Last night I was trying to upload the video I took when I told Serge he was going to be a Dad. That morning I had told him (the mountain man book junkie) that I'd ordered him a special book that I thought would arrive that day. On my lunch I bought "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and taped the positive pregnancy test to the front. I wrapped it and told him his special book had arrived and I wanted to record him opening it. His reaction was so sweet. He looked at it blankly, not comprehending. Slowly it started to dawn on him what it all meant.
"Are you pregant?"
I just sat there, grinning.
He was so excited. We just sat there grinning at each other like a couple of loons. "I can't believe it."
"I KNOW!"
"Are you sure?"
"You can't really get a false positive. But I bought a box with 2 tests in it, want me to take another?"
Max, sensing the excitement began to bark madly. We all crowded into the bathroom, me on the toilet trying to pee on the stick, Max staring at me, Serge staring at me while Milo frisked around our feet.
"Hold on, it's tough to pee on command with everyone staring at you."

Finally I managed to wet the stick and we watched as the blank circle immediately revealed a very dark, very obvious plus sign.

Proof positive.

I thought I uploaded the video and deleted it from my camera. But I can't find it anywhere in my computer. Perhaps THE video of my life thus far and I can't find it or it's possibly deleted forever. I can't even bear to think about it. My only concolation is that some things are better left to memory. They're more special, sacred that way. Dammit! Anyway, beginning the day after we found out, we're going to take a weekly photo and post it here. Should be interesting. Last night Serge said (albeit in an endearing way) "You're going to be huuuge!"
"Dude, what is wrong with you! That's not something you should say! Are you out of your damn mind?" I snapped.
"Oooh, Paxil withdrawal already."
"DUDE! You don't say perhaps the dumbest thing a man can say to a woman and when you get called out blame it on Paxil withdrawal! That's like telling a woman her ass looks fat in those jeans and when she gets upset, blame it on her period. Get it together man or we'll divorce before The Kid gets here."
"I meant it nicely, like, how exciting to watch your belly grow!" He was slowly backing away from me.
"Whatever. WATCH IT, buddy."

Yes, I stopped Paxil cold turkey when I found out. Because I'd been taking it at night in an attempt to avoid the side-effects, most of the withdrawal symptoms are happening during the night. I get so cold I can't stand it. Raw chicken skin. Although I'm freezing I'm sweating and I have bizarre apocalyptic-style dreams. Serge is worried about my depression coming back while pregnant... we'll see how it goes. I've read many things that state Paxil is fine for pregnant women, that anyone prone to depression is better off taking their meds than not, but I just don't want my baby (my baby!) ingesting that shit.

No morning sickness thus far. Fingers crossed!