A couple weeks before we went to the Jersey Shore I decided to get off my ass and do the thing all women dread all the time; shop for a swimsuit.
Well, before I did that I tried to remain on my ass and score one online. Ain't nobody nowhere who likes to behold their dimpled ass in a threeway mirror beneath buzzing fluorescent lights while their toddler grabs handfuls of their thigh and says "You're so soft and squishy, Mommy!" If I could get away with remaining on my ass whilst purchasing a suit I sure as shit was gonna give it a go.
I knew I wanted a retro type swimsuit that would cover as much of my parts as possible. Not that my parts are all that bad, just that they're a little loose. They need some support. Retro-style one-piece suits not only cover skin acreage but they're stylish, not matronly, as most other gigantic one-piece suits seem to be. Basically, a retro suit is as close to wearing just Spanx in public as you can get. SCORE!
So I checked around and found a couple sites like ModCloth.com and UniqueVintage.com that specialize in retro suits. But those guys are gonna charge you nearly $100 for a suit. And they have the horrifying disclaimer that "our suits tend to run small." I couldn't risk ordering a suit a mere ten-ish days before vacation only to have my ass eating it for lunch the minute I put it on. So I did what I always do when I need shit. I got muh-self to Walmart.
Go ahead, make fun. See if I care. But I stumbled onto their line of retro suits, Suddenly Slim By Catalina, ($30!) and I am thrilled. I'm sure stores across the country differ in what they carry but my store had the polka-dot suit you see below in black, red, turquoise and fuchsia. I originally wanted red but they were out. I snapped a pic of the remaining colors, Facebooked that shit and the overwhelming response was black and white polka dots. Except for a friend, who shall rename nameless (COLE) who said "How about not Walmart?" How about you shut your whore mouth?
So I got black. After posting photos from my vacation yesterday I've received several inquiries about where I got the swimsuit and figured I'd pass on the good word. Never underestimate the awesomeness of Walmart, my friends. The suit is thick, durable, sucks in my bits and doesn't disappear into crevices. What more does a girl want in a suit? Tell your loose bits, if you got 'em, I said you're welcome.
If you can't find the suit at your local Walmart there are a bunch of 'em on Ebay too. I quite like the cherry one. By the way, I'm 5'4 and weigh roughly 135 and I got the size 8 and it fits perfectly.