Tomorrow is the big day. We find out just who exactly has been playing bongos on my bladder these past few weeks. The bumps and thumps are big enough that I can feel them on the outside when I press a hand firmly on my belly, which is always reassuring, but the 20 week ultrasound is always the most reassuring of everything you experience during pregnancy. Especially when, like us, it's the only ultrasound you plan on having barring any unexpected complications.
A couple days ago someone left a comment on this post about how finding out the sex of this baby isn't really a cliffhanger. I get what they're saying; I have a girl and a boy already so anticipating the sex of this baby isn't really a white-knuckler. And while that's true and the fact that we really have no preference is also true, the anticipation I've experienced waiting to find out whether we're adding a boy or girl to this wild bunch is more than I experienced when pregnant with Violet or Henry.
Maybe because we kind of plan on this being our last child? I mean, we're smart enough to never say never but three has been the plan and we ain't spring chickens. Hell, we ain't even summer chickens so this is it for us - the final addition. So it's not that we have a preference, it's just that I feel like I'm standing at the crossroads of the rest of my life. Our lives. Tomorrow everything changes forever for all of us. One path leads to this whole other boy person. A new dynamic that will change everything in our family. Brothers. A boy that will be a man one day. Henry and his brother, just a couple years apart and, fingers crossed, best buddies. Violet will always be an only girl. Like me. I've envisioned a whole life around that scenario.
I've also envisioned a whole life around the opposite scenario. Sisters. Violet will have a sister, something I have always longed for as the only girl of four children. Sisters! A family dynamic both Serge and I have never experienced. Two girls! Two daughters to teach to be strong women, to raise with a powerful knowledge of equality and limitless possibility in life that was never imparted to me as a little girl.
Tomorrow we take the first steps down one of those roads. I'm on pins and needles here waiting to start the journey, to fit that last puzzle piece into our family.
I asked Violet to snap this shot of me at 20 weeks and I like how it turned out because it's exactly how the future appears on this last day of not knowing: blurry but filled with expectation, barely contained excitement, and hope.