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Tuesday
Sep222015

Sharing Custody: Snapshot of Kidless Life 

The other morning when the kids were with Serge I accidentally started watching The Killing on Netflix. I didn't really set out to watch The Killing. Upon daylight's unwelcome arrival I broke up with my bed and was becoming one with my couch, scrolling restlessly around my Apple TV thingies - I think the kids call them apps - avoiding CNN like it was an ex-boyfriend at a dinner party because goddamn CNN depresses me anymore and I will beat myself with a giant gay dildo if I have to see Kentucky marriage clerk Kim Davis trotted out like some kind of republican show pony one more fucking time.

As is usually my way, I ended up on Netflix and there was The Killing and I clicked play just to see, kind of like you read the first paragraph or page of a book before buying it, and much like one of those all-night frat parties in college, suddenly it was eight hours later and I was lying underwearless on a couch wondering what just happened. And I was hungry.

I looked at Milo, he looked at me and we were like, Chipotle, bitch. √Āndale. Twenty minutes later I was standing in line at the Chipotle near Penn State which means this line rivals the line for cupcakes or cronuts or gluten-free pretzels or whatever baked good is currently fooling folks into waiting in line for hours.

This is a long fucking line, I thought. Really long. I should definitely buy two burrito bowls, you know, if I'm going to be waiting in a line this long. It's the right thing to do. Of course I'm not going to eat them both today. That's just ridiculous. One burrito bowl fills me up for a day. I'll eat one now and save one for lunch for tomorrow. Look at me! Planning my lunch a day in advance and shit!

It's funny how you can straight up lie to yourself even though you are you and you know you're lying. Eat the second burrito bowl tomorrow. Like that was going to happen. Like that second bowl ever had a snowball's chance in hell of making it through the night. That burrito bowl - with guacamole, OF COURSE I'LL PAY EXTRA - had as much of a chance of making it through the night as the last beer sitting in my fridge. Lone beers are fair game at any time of day, frankly. They should be consumed as quickly as possible because anybody who's anyone knows it's just wrong to leave one beer sitting in a fridge. What can anybody do with one beer? Nothing, that's what. Who are you single-beer-in-fridge-having folks? The only time there's a solo beer in my fridge is when I don't know it's there. So either finish that bitch up during the original drinking session or have it for breakfast the next morning. Otherwise, there should never be one beer sitting in your fridge. One beer is about as useful as the white crayon Crayola insists on putting into every box. It's like leaving a single chip in a bag of Doritos. Who wants one chip? This theory also applies to cookies.

I stood in line behind a college kid who looked like some kind of business professional lumberjack (suspenders/flannel/skinny jeans/boots/man bag/beard) reaffirming my decision to buy that second burrito bowl and save it for lunch the next day. Just lying right to my own face!

And then I took both those burrito bowls home and ate the fuckers right in a row while finishing up that lone beer and season 2 of The Killing just like I knew I would.

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Reader Comments (8)

how do i "Like" this post???

p.s. i think what you saw in line was a "business casual-lumberjack" hybrid. startup lumberhack?

September 23, 2015 | Unregistered Commentersp

Lol damn girl you can kill two burrito bowls my hats off to you! But the funniest thing about this post was the 'Who are you single-beer-in-fridge-having folks?' ME that's who!!! I've had 1 beer in my fridge don't know how that happened but every time I open my fridge I refuse to drink it because who drinks just 1 beer?

September 23, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterAlejandra

Exactly Alejandra! Who drinks just one beer? Desperate times desperate measures. Been there. And now I want a burrito bowl.

September 23, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterBeck

Would you please move down to Jacksonville, Florida and be my best friend? lol! Your posts are what gets me through my crappy marriage, soon-to-be separated life. I think: damn, if she can still have a sense of humor and still come out of it all cracking jokes, then maybe I'll be okay too. You show the reality with no sugar coating--well, in this case, extra guacamole-ing. Love this. Love your posts, girl.

September 23, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

i am jealous... last time i spent a night like that was in college...

September 24, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterfahrenheit

My husband can easily polish off two Chipotle burritos. A day. I should probably buy stock.

September 26, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterADVICE FROM A COP

The Killing was a great show. ;)

October 4, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Been a long time since I've checked in here. I'm sorry to see that you're divorced/separated/no longer with Thunderpants.

Re: The Killing, I actually just watched that awhile back myself. It's based on a short story by the late but still awesome, Andre Dubus. He has several short story collections. If you like that genre, check him out.

October 23, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterHeyJoe

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