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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Monday
May252015

Sassy Lady Singing The Blues

It's evening. Not quite dusk but the sun is slowly sinking behind my neighbor's tall trees, dappling my yard in lemon tones. A breeze plays the leaves on the trees like a concert pianist, the oceanic result competes with Billie Holiday; sassy lady crooning her heartbreaking blues from my record player. I'm here. Two kids sound asleep, one roasting marshmallows in a neighbor's backyard. An ice cold beer sweats next to me as I tap keys and wonder what I'll type next.

This website is still my home here on the Internet. Sometimes I log in here with purpose, with something to say, seeking a response or interaction, maybe. But tonight I have nothing specific to share with you but still wanted to share something. I don't know. I'm as interested as anyone to see what my fingers type...

Life is so full of twists and turns... About the only thing I know for certain is that nothing is certain. Nothing. Check that. The only thing that is certain is that I am a mother to three beautiful babies. Gorgeous souls whose shining eyes cause lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes on a daily basis. I have given up all plan-making, all future desires. This life I'm carving out over here, smack dab in the center of Pennsylvania, is a day-to-day endeavor. I work my ass off. I am a good mom. I love people and people love me. I am at peace with everyone in my world. Almost. And that is enough. At least for now. All the rest of it is noise.

I am also scared. I feel like a broken person, unsure of many things, especially about myself. But goddammit, I'm trying. I am living carefully and deliberately and trying to be a good, honest person. And that is what matters, I guess. Anyway, as I approach the ten year anniversary of this website I wanted to thank you, whoever you are, for being here. For bearing witness to my fucked-upness, for giving a shit. I like it. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad I'm still here ten years, three children and a divorce later.

Reader Comments (15)

Happy Blog Anni. I think I've been reading for the entire ten years. I remember Stephanie Klein linking to you... the girl who. Keep on keepin' on, girl, because that's all anyone on this earth can do.

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I've been reading you for years and years. I identify with you in a lot of ways. I don't think I've commented before. I have loved reading your self-discovery journey to honesty. I'm so glad you're still writing from the heart. I'll read as long as you're here.

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterrobin

I think I have been reading since 2006 (Brooklyn). For as long as you write, I'll be reading and wishing good things for you.

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

Thank you for writing and for being yourself. I relate to you in so many ways (mostly the recovering mormon ones). Happy blogiversary! Here's to many more!

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.

Peter Marshall

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Moore

keep on rockin in the free world

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered Commentershuga

I swear I never tire of your words. Your blunt honesty ricochets with a quiet eloquence as you knead your words into a beautiful perfect picture of humanity. I DIG YOU AND HOPE TO BE HERE FOR THE NEXT TEN years. I can't imagine what is around the corner for you, and I can't wait to see!!!!. As my mother-in-law would say, "Man proposes, and God disposes". Thank you for enriching my life.

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterniobe19

I'm glad you are still here and still writing too. I don't know how many years exactly I have been reading everything you write. I do remember that Violet was a pretty new tiny human. I think it was from a link on Dooce. For me, it's like reading a really bitchen book and am grateful there are still more chapters. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your strength and honesty.

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

What Karen said. Love that you are keeping keeping on even if it is cliché.

May 25, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterSaffoula

keep writing, as alway enjoying, thanks for being as well, let me say, sister! :)

May 26, 2015 | Unregistered Commenteranajo

Ah, Monica, you had me at like your second post. You are an amazing woman, not because I see so much of myself in you, but because you are going through all of the things that I navigated about 4 years ago. I cannot remember how I found your blog but I know that I savored it like I savored that new Breyers Chocolate Carmel Gelato. You intrigue me, you inspire me and you infuriate me. I am a Conservative and I like to joke I am "Right of Attila the Hun". Before you write me off, I read what you write and I think. I KNOW that you never write about deep things that you do not thoughtfully consider. I was raised in San Francisco and I had gay friends before it was EVER cool. My theory on gay marriage is that it has NO AFFECT on my life and love is love is love. Why should gay people escape the hell that is marriage? I say that with a smile, a wink and a nod to us divorced girls. I do not always agree with you but you ALWAYS make me think and I know we have many of the same things in common. I am FOX News and you are MSNBC (is that a fair comparison?) Thanks for always making me think and challenging me and for always sharing so much of you!!! P.S. I have never been and don't think I will ever be Mormon. Unless Andrew Rannels from "Book of Mormon" shows up at my door to convince me that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Then I may convert just to please him!!!

May 26, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMarilee Boothe

"I am at peace with everyone in my world. Almost."...
almost? :-)

you know, at the heart of it all, you are (still?) asking the deep questions.
some people think they have the answers.
for those of us who don't think that way, i wonder if we will ever accept that our questions are, in fact, answers.

May 28, 2015 | Unregistered Commenterfahrenheit

We are glad you are here too. :)

June 1, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterCharity

Keep doing your own thing and just have fun. Today is when you make a difference.

www.artadorned.com

July 4, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterArtadorned

I just refound you (I used to read you back when blogs were a newish thing back in 2006) as I am going thru some breakup heartache stuff, and one of the searches that one tends to do brought you up. Anyhow - I am delighted that you are still here. That is something good in the world. Thank you for being here.

Have always liked seeing things filtered through your head. So. Thats it :)

July 31, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterSue

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