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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Thursday
Jul252013

It's Not Awesome. I'm Not Awesome

I'm a little bit disappointed in myself. My first two pregnancies were so miserable, draining and uncomfortable that I was determined to make this one better. I will be amazing, I told myself. I will be Earth Mother! I will meditate my way through morning sickness, take deep breaths, long walks in flowing caftans (no matter that I've never owned or worn a caftan) - it will be awesome!

It's not awesome. I'm not awesome. Earth Mother I ain't. Hence the disappointment. As if the intense nausea I feel every waking second is my fault. That I can somehow will away the morning sickness and get myself to the gym like the other pregnant girls there that are aerobics-ing their ridiculously supple asses off. I say 'get myself to the gym' not in an attempt to be fit or even healthy. Nay. I say 'get myself to the gym' in an effort to keep my muscles from the atrophy experienced during previous pregnancies spent languishing on the couch underneath a burrito that rivaled the size of the human inside of me. By the time my legs were required to support a nine months pregnant belly they resembled the spindly, unsteady sticks generally found on calves raised for veal.

Still, this time around doesn't seem to be as bad as it was with Henry and Violet. My pregnancy with Violet was terrible because I stopped taking an anti-depressant cold turkey. The withdrawal coupled with the morning sickness was brutal. With Henry I just ate all of the things all of the time and got fat as hell. Eating is the only thing that makes the nausea go away. Eating like a picky toddler. One day cereal is amazing, the next day I can't even look at it. Spaghetti is to die for at dinner, hours later the smell is retch-inducing.

Anyway, enough about that. I don't want to spend a bunch of time bitching about morning sickness because in the grand scheme of things, it ain't no thang. What's a couple months of puking if it brings me closer to meeting my child, right? Right, she whispers timidly and unconvincingly in response to herself as she swallows the throw-up inching northward in her esophagus for the third time in as many minutes.

One of the first things people ask you when you tell them you're pregnant - after they (bizarrely) ask you if it was planned - is if you want a boy or a girl. We have no preference. Truly. It already is what it is and it's going to be awesome. Setting yourself up for a specific gender is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Thing is, the second the kid is born you can't imagine life without that very specific human being so it doesn't matter anyway. Well. That was kind of Earth Mother of me, wasn't it? Maybe I'm not such a big disappointment after all...

Gratuitous shot of adorable chilluns:


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Reader Comments (11)

A couple of monkeys jumping on the bed!

Hi Monirca, You have probably read and know everything there is to know about 'morning sickness' but here are a few things I found and wanted to share with anyway: http://www.babycenter.com/morning-sickness?page=3

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Belated Congrats, Monica! What a lucky baby to be joining your family.

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

PS. Yes you are awesome,

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

Go to your local pharmacy and get a pair of Seabands -- they are typically used for motion sickness (i.e. cruises) but they work for morning sickness too. I had horrible 24/7 nausea with all four of my pregnancies and didn't learn about this cure until my 4th. It totally worked. I wore them all the time, day and night. I know the premise behind them sounds odd but they really do work.

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSusanP

Screw meditation. Hyperemesis Gravidarum sucks - get a script of anti-nausea meds from your DR like NOW. You will be grateful when you can function. Feel better.

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterREK981

Congrats on your pregnancy. I feel for you on the morning sickness. Magnesium oil might be helpful. All the best.

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterEttiene

Jealous, but I love you.

July 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMeliisa Scoffield

I thought most people would ask if you're going to find out which you're having... I've never heard people asking which one you want. People are weird. So I'll ask, are you going to find out or be totally surprised? Also, you never said what V and H think of the big news!

July 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieLee

it is hard work making kids as beautiful as you do.....hope this passes quickly!

July 26, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

Congrats. I'd offer advice, but I'm a dude, and a dude is what got you into this "situation."

July 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPschwid

"It ain't no thang"...:-] Nice sayin! I am so excited for you (does that sound presumptuous?). Or maybe I'm excited for me, cuz your kids are great souls & if I may get earth mother (as opposed to,alien mother) & say "we are all connected in a sense & we need good vibez. Hope I am not rambling. FEEL better f-a-s-t. Ummmm thanks for the "gratuitous fotos". I truly love your compositions & photography. And of course ur cute subjects! peace out

July 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNiobe19

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