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Monica Bielanko
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Monday
Sep052005

It's Happening Again

It's happening again. The anxiety. My brain spins off its axis and whirls ahead of me. I sprint to catch up, grasping desperately for my runaway thoughts, but my legs turn to mush. They feel the way grandma's leftover jello looks hours after we've abandoned the Thanksgiving table. I'm left behind my frenzied brain as it pirouettes into the past, the present and future, alighting on whatever causes it the most agony. Life! Death! Good! Bad! Sincere! False! Real! Fake! Try! Quit! Succeed! Fail! Save Money! Pay The Bills! Am I a Good Person! Self Hate! Lazy! Talentless! No Willpower! Fat! Lose Weight! I've heard of these anxiety attacks, if that's what this is. The words bandied about in casual conversation, as common as ultra modern phrases like 'my therapist says' and 'anti-depression pills'. What's wrong with me? Everyone seems to live their lives, effortlessly gliding along, afloat on air mattresses of self esteem powered by reservoirs of raw talent. Yet here I flail, wildly dog paddling in my frantic efforts to keep my heavy head above water. Do others perceive me as I see them? Self assured, confidently striding through life, or do they see through my finely honed facade of fearlessness? Are others like me? Filled with self doubt. Haphazardly slapping together bricks of resolve mortared with false confidence to keep their swampy souls from flooding the neighborhoods the perfect people call home. You don't need to wear your pain like a badge, reveling in your suffering self. But let me peer into a crack in your armor every now and again. Invite me to a peep show where one of your flaws is the headliner. I need to know you're human too.

Reader Comments (3)

Hey There M,

As I read this particular post I am reminded of the billion reasons that we spent twenty bucks at a mall cart once upon a time. We is the same, girl. And I never thought I'd find that in this world or the next. I am here. I am always here.

love,
serge
September 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterserge
missy too kissy, my only baby girl, don't let people pull the wool over your eyes. everybody is sooo messed up in their own way, some just hide it better than others. You,my girl, are thee smartest, most together, adventurous, sweetest, (and can be the meanest) most beautiful girl I know, and it blows my mind daily that you are my daughter and I think where in the hell did she get it from? But then I answer my own question with "it certainly wasn't from your father" so it has to come from me!!! I love you muchly and can't wait for the 28th. see ya then! leave your face alone!
September 10, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermama

Your post here was actually written almost 8 years ago. it is now Jan 31, 2013. you and Serge have 2 beautiful and smart children...Violet, 4 and Henry, 2. If you were still back in 2005, I would send pics! You live in a lovely farmhouse in a cozy little valley village in the middle of Pennsylvania Amish country.You are a wonderful wife and mother and have a beautiful home and life. You work at home, writing for Babble.com and also have a shared thing you do with Serge. Of course you know all of this NOW but back then it would have been nice to catch a glimpse...if only to comfort you when you are wondering what's next? The cool thing is that so MUCH GOOD has happened along the way that we almost forget the struggles and the pain. Like childbirth, I guess. I feel something like Nicholas Cage in The Family Man. Just trying to encourage you even now to not worry about what's next as I often do. I was looking back in time on my own blog as well, funny how we can do that and it's a good thing we can't see EVERYTHING that is going to happen along the way. Otherwise i would NEVER have moved to Florida only to be living a block away from the guy who is still, after 5 years, scared to take me to a mall to spend 20 bucks...Time to move on! Thanks for the epiphany, Monica. God bless you and your beautiful family...the best is yet to come!

January 31, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

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