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Monica Bielanko
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Friday
Mar072008

I'm Recording Our History Now On The Bedroom Wall And Eventually The Landlord Will Come And Paint Over It All

It has been a tough year. But does anyone ever say this year has been amazing! Maybe. I think most folks are inclined to notice if the year has been tough... and the amazing they take for granted, generally not acknowledging.

There are things to admit here. Things like I contemplated attending an alcoholics anonymous meeting but decided instead to just go see the damn doctor already and get myself some legitimate medication so I wouldn't need the alcohol. What good is all the health insurance if I don't stick it to 'em an get every Goddamn pill I could possibly use.

I have anxiety, right? So I drink when I get home from work to relax. Then the amount of alcohol I'd drink each night caused me anxiety and I began to Google shit like How You Know You're An Alcoholic. With Serge gone and no one to give me the stink eye when I crack open another beer or pour another glass of Cabernet, well, I became lost.

The doctor prescribed some stuff for the depression and also for the anxiety. She recommended a psychologist as well. I suppose my need for therapy was as obvious as a fart on an airplane when she asked me simple questions and I spent ten minutes tearfully answering each one.

It's funny, in Brooklyn I spent so much time worrying about money and making the rent and friends that I didn't have as much time to focus on what was going on inside. Here in Utah, now that my job is stable, I'm making great money and not concerning myself so much with a social life - now I'm worried about what's on the inside. I'm glad I'm worried about the inside but it's scary to look back at how long I floated, worrying about arguably the wrong things, the material things, instead of myself and what kind of person I am.

Serge is in France just now. Yesterday it was Spain and tomorrow it's Italy. Sometimes I get jealous that he is out seeing the world and most of the time he is jealous that I am home walking Max around the park and watching The Wire. Funny, that. Reminds me of a line out of one of Marah's songs:

You learn love when you’re a baby
You learn dyin’ when you die
You learn drinkin’ when you’re workin’
It’s a poison apple in your eye
You learn walkin’ when you stand up
You learn cryin when you fall
You learn earthworm, when you’re fishin’
You set the hook upon the jaw
You learn rights when you’re arrested
You learn prayin’ when you’re alone
Learn to love your hometown when you’re travelin’
Learn to love the highway when you’re home
You learn rights when you’re arrested
You learn prayin’ when you’re alone
Learn to love your hometown when you’re travelin’
Learn to love the highway when you’re home
Learn to love the highway when you’re travelin’
Learn to love your hometown when you’re home