I wrote that paragraph a year or so ago and I find it's one of maybe five specific word groupings I've ever written that comes back to me again and again.
It's been a black week. Not in a run of the mill depression kind of way. There have been pin pricks of extraordinary light shining through the darkness only an intense audit of one's life can bring.
Am I where I should be?
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I being fair to those I love the most?
Am I valuing the important things?
Am I on autopilot?
If the answer to any of the above strays into negative territory and you really care about leading a life worth living... A paralyzing blackness descends as you contemplate your next move. And finding your way in the dark is difficult, at best.
I am feeling too much and I don't want all this emotion. It's strangling me. Autopilot is so much more comfortable.
I realize all this is very vague and if you're still reading here you may find that annoying but, frankly, I ain't writing this for you. Or you. But maybe you.
Blogs are weird things and mine is no exception. It has meant many things to me over the years but I no longer have any illusions about any of it. I could disappear tomorrow and that would be fine. Maybe that's what keeps me coming back; the notion that a few keystrokes could end the whole thing. It's a very liberating thought. That and the fact that I actually feel like I'm writing in a journal when I come here now. That's a nice feeling too.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about all the things I "need." A new bed for the kids, a stool for the art deco vanity I bought off Craigslist, a new car... Except I don't need them, I just want them. It's easy to confuse the two. Or convince yourself that a want is a need. It's also a slippery slope into focusing on the tangible things you "need" in lieu of the spiritual stuff you really need.
I lost my way for a while. Actually, I don't know if I ever really knew the way. Regardless, I'm trying to find my way now. The hard part is figuring out what I want vs. what I really need and combining that with what's best for the people I love the most. Is it even possible? I don't know.