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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Saturday
Apr042009

Any Refund Is Better Than No Refund

Tonight Violet cried. And then she cried some more. FUCK. I thought this. In all caps. I spent a mind numbing day with the tax man. It was quite THE mind fuck because I just wanted to tell the dude what he needed to hear in order to get me the biggest return possible. I figure, if the IRS wants to waste time auditing the likes of the Bielankos... well, then so be it. In the meantime I was determined to finagle the biggest refund possible.

So yeah. Remember that scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts her name and she breathily replies; whatever you want it to be. That was pretty much the gist of my afternoon with the tax guy.

Mrs. Bielanko, how much did Serge spend on work supplies?
How much do you want him to have spent? I admit, I flirted.
Mrs. Bielanko, if you could just show me the receipts for...
Okay, let me rephrase that; how much does he need to have spent in order for me to get A GIANT FUCK OFF REFUND?

It was exhausting. After all the tax man tap dancing we ended up with the kind of refund that makes you say 'well, any refund is better than no refund.' And yes, any refund is better than no refund... but still.

To make up for a broken washing machine and the visit from The Tax Guy we ordered pizza and bought wine. But Miss Violet sensed the pizza eating, wine drinking joy that was imminent and decided there was no fucking way she was letting me off that easy. So she cried. And cried. And convulsed. I am amazed at my ability to keep my shit together on the outside while my inner Monica is banging around, careening off vital organs and cursing like a sailor on a sinking ship.

Times. They are trying. Trying times. I spoke to a 'couples counselor' whom I like very much. But figuring out when we can actually make it in to see her between our respective work hours and her business hours is a Rubik's cube in and of itself.

Also, I am old. I watched American Idol this week so I could get a gander at this "Lady Gaga" (I must put that in quotes as I refuse to sling around that name on my own) that all the kids seem to be into.

Seriously?

That's all I have to say about "Lady Gaga."

Lastly, if I ever meet The Queen I think I'll pinch her ass and tweak her wrinkled, old nipples. Just for kicks. If it really sparks controversy that first lady Michelle Obama put her arm around her highness then just think of the international news waves The Girl Who could make playing "Tune In Tokyo" with Queen Lizzy.