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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Jun242008

A Case Of The Blahs

Although I've been doing nothing but dealing with the physiological effects of this pregnancy, it doesn't feel real yet. Motherhood all seems far away, very abstract. Kind of like contemplating Christmas in the summer when you're eight. I still feel quite sick in spite of Zofran. I'm throwing up at least once a day. Which is a hell of a lot better than constantly feeling nauseous. I still can't believe I only called in sick once. On the one hand I wonder how I made it through, on the other it feels like I've been puking forever.

I haven't gone out much. Mostly work and home and that's definitely starting to wear on me. Only two more weeks left in the first trimester, then, hopefully, it will get much better. I really do think I'm going to be one of those beached whale pregnant ladies. I'm just so short, I don't think I have much hope of looking like the skinny chick with a basketball shoved up her shirt. Oddly, after topping out at 130 the other night I've dropped back to 127. So I've only gained 4 pounds so far. Ain't so bad.

I can definitely tell the difference being off Paxil and I'm sure my long-suffering husband would tell you it's like night and day... he's certainly had no trouble telling me that a time or two. My outlook is more negative. But I don't like to be told I'm short-tempered when I don't take a drug. It makes me feel like a nutter, such is the stigma of depression and such. Also, cut me some slack I'm fucking pregnant, man. Nonetheless, I plan on going right back to Paxil after Grape is born. Our first appointment is this Thursday. Hopefully we'll hear the heartbeat... with how sick I've been the little sucker is certain to be healthy. Maybe we'll even get an ultrasound. I've heard differing reports on what goes on during the first appointment. Could be all blood tests and information giving etc... We'll see.

We're telling everyone next week. Serge's Mom arrives Monday and I plan on telling my Mom this weekend. I've kind of enjoyed my privacy. At first I was so excited to tell everyone, now, I'm not looking forward to the constant barrage of how are you, how do you feel? And if anyone tries to touch my stomach I will cut off their hand.