"Obviously, you are one of the nation's most revered 'foodies' and many, many people all over the globe love to tune in to see the wildly colorful photos of the most wonderful street food finds (a Lebanese food truck in Oklahoma City??!!) that you post on your Twitter or wherever. Congratulations ... you've arrived. Yet, unless you're the person who prepared most of the food spread out before you on Thanksgiving, by all means keep your highly valued thoughts about the gravy needing more salt to yourself. No one likes a know-it-all foodie. Not even other know-it-all-foodies. So, when you find yourself glancing at the turkey, and you begin to ask,"Is this a heritage hen?" do the right thing and just punch yourself in the cheek."
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"Look, when you're talking about cashing in on deeply discounted merchandise and there isn't enough for everyone, the harsh reality is that some people are going to go down. It's just a fact of life. Bodies will litter the proverbial highway upon the journey to the Checkout Kingdom. If you want to stop and help pick them up, you know, so they aren't trampled by the ruthless masses, then be my guest. But don't expect anyone to think much about your actions since there will be no witnesses at all. Everyone else will either be on their way to filling their carts or they'll be unconscious, knocked under a rack of Duck Dynasty nightgowns."
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