You wear spandex around your neighborhood when you haven't worked out in many months.
You have unexplained bruises all over your white legs, most likely acquired during drunken exploits you cannot remember.
You yelled at your husband so loudly you worried the neighbors might call police.
You decided against buying a New York Post because you didn't want to "break a dollar".
Ten minutes later you withdrew 20 dollars from the unemployment check you just deposited to buy Star, Us Weekly and In Touch.
You considered buying the Enquirer too.
Decided not to go for a jog because you didn't want to miss your 'stories' on television.
You swept enough dog hair off your apartment to keep J-Lo in fur coats for the next decade.
You found yourself involved in an episode of Judge Judy and was disappointed with her ruling.
You watched The Maury Povitch Show on Who's My Baby's Daddy after that.
You scissored open a tube of toothpaste then scraped your toothbrush inside to get that last bit of toothpaste.
You bought new toiletpaper only after running out of paper towels.
You were upset you missed the Britney Spears interview.
You were doubly pissed when you missed the interview rerun the next day because you were watching a Nick at Nite Roseanne marathon.
You wore a stained wifebeater without a bra for three days in a row with no sense of hipster irony.
You ate a package of Ramen Noodles and thought "this is pretty good".
You sliced carrots into the Ramen Noodles and felt fancy. Almost gourmet.
You didn't wash your hair for a week because it seemed like "too much trouble".
You considered bleaching your hair platinum with a box of Loreal from Duane Reeds
You had to pee and decided the dark parking lot was as good a place as any.
You yelled at your dog to "stop all that goddamn barking or I'll give you something to bark about!"
You got excited when the unemployment check came in the mail.
You knew all the words to Poison's UNSKINNY BOP. And sang along. Nodding your head to the beat. In front of people.
You asked your husband whether he thinks Britney should stay with K-Fed then argued about it for the next ten minutes.
You used a black magic marker to color in a scuff mark on your shoe.
You puked Slurpee in a gas station bathroom because you were sick with a hangover.
You broke your flip-flop then spent ten minutes super gluing it together.
You liked the smell of the super glue and sniffed it. A lot.
I have done or said each of these things within the past week. My name is Monica Bielanko. I am white trash.