Ahhh yes.. I know you all make jokes at my expense. I am a comedian's best routine, a funny bumper sticker, sitcom fodder...
Get your giggles in while you can.. I'll have the last laugh..
I'm the reason your wife lashes out in that horrific demon voice that starts the tiny hairs on the back of your neck vibrating in alarm. I'm the cause of that five day stretch during which sex with your girlfriend occurs only in your dreams. Still funny now? I thought not.
Know when you get home after a long day of work and you're looking forward to a hot, home-cooked meal? Instead you find your woman curled on the bed sobbing, slobbering, chocolate smeared on her lips and fingers. You bravely ask what's wrong and she snots "I'M SO FAAAAT!" That's me too!
I'm the reason for all the boohooing at long distance commercials... And when she spends hours in front of the mirror, tears trickling down mottled cheeks as she grabs handfuls of flesh from her waist and thighs, screaming "LOOK AT THIS! LOOOOOK!", those are some of my proudest moments.
God have mercy on your sorry soul if you should be required to get dressed up and attempt to socialize with decent folk while I'm in town because you will never, ever make it out the front door, my friend. This is a promise.
I'll make her hate every outfit she tries on, each hairstyle she constructs will be "hideous" until she collapses on the bed in a heap of smeared make-up and hair product wailing "I'M NOT GOING! GO WITHOUT ME! " And when you actually make a move to leave she will shrill "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE GOING!"
It's your move then, my fine fellow. I'll stand aside, smirking, until I decide to plunge my meaty fingers inside her vagina once again... crushing every single nerve inside her uterus... I am more powerful than Moses, you see.. I don't just part the Red Sea, I call it forth!
Joke about me while you can, my good man... I'll be back next month and we'll see who's laughing then.