Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
It's not easy being married, is it? When I was single it was so easy to daydream about The One without dirtying my hands in reality. Oh, I didn't think it was easy at the time. I dreaded dating in the same way I feared a root canal. Please God can we just get this over with? And crank up that novocaine, wouldja? Except on the date I'd substitute liquor for novocaine.. and then I'd go home and kill a bag of Doritos, watch Sixteen Candles and cry despite myself when Sam spots Jake Ryan waiting for her, leaning against the red Porsche outside the church. I thought I'd never meet my Jake..
And all of the sudden, I did...
And it was just like the movies, complete with a soundtack supplied by my lover's own musical endeavors. And we got married. And I promptly freaked. Wait! This is hard! This isn't like the movies. We fight. A lot. I married the wrong guy. I hate him. Then we made up. It was good. I fell in love all over again. Then we began to argue. Again. Bickering that slowly escalated.. each injured party repressing anger until-
"We just don't belong together!"
"Fine!" This bit was said with the dramatic removal and subsequent flinging of wedding ring..
But we rode that bucking bronco... hung on for dear life, grabbed hold of any place we could and held on through blistered palms, bruises and aching hearts. Finally.. the wild stallion subsided. And it was good. Then it was bad.
"We are way too different!"
"This isn't going to work!"
"Divorce!" uttered in a rage... and again, of course, dramatic removal and throwing of wedding ring... it always feels so right at the time. So... so.. Soap Opera!
From January to June, The Surge has been on the road. Just when I get used to his absence, he's home mucking up the works... When I finally reacquaint myself with having a housemate, adjust to his man smells and noises, his bed hogging - when I finally feel like a family again - he's gone. Although it's his job (it's how I met him for godsakes!) I secretly resent him for leaving me alone so much. I withdraw. And so the marital rollercoaster continues..
But this time around I've learned perhaps the most important lesson of all... There will always be something.. A fight, a disagreement - your union will never match the ideal you carried in your head throughout your teen years. And that's okay. It's okay to admit marital trouble.. I used to be ashamed, pretend everything was fantastic... even go so far as to commit ridiculous displays of public affection in front of friends - look what a happy couple we are! But the arguments are as much a part of marriage as the good times. Marriage is about riding out the storm. Battening down the hatches and hunkering down until the inclement weather passes. Love is like a river (pukey cliche!) Really. It ebbs and flows, is deep in some places, shallow in others.. One day your riding the rapids, the next your luxuriating on calm waters. Point is, ride that shit out! It isn't going to be any better with anybody else.. You'll trade one set of problems for another.
Despite the fact that the past two years have been the most emotionally treacherous of my life... they have also been the best. I have learned so much... about myself, about life.. about loyalty and commitment and really being there for someone, sometimes when you don't want to be.
I am deeply in love.. but that doesn't mean my marriage is a fucking romance movie. Don't look at that picture up there and think 'AWWWW - so great'... because that would be a misrepresentation of my reality. Many moments find me clinging to the boat in the midst of a raging marital storm... Only recently I've learned to reach down deep to where the love is stored. Toss everything overboard - the ugly words, perceived injustices, silly arguments, resentment - let everthing sink except for that simple, pure love.. That is the life preserver.