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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Sunday
Apr222012

Numb

The numbness started long before the day he moved out and may have played a part in his departure - which is not to say he initiated leaving and doesn't imply I did either.

Toward the end, before he left, realizing the seriousness of the situation and what was at stake, I spent many hours attempting to access my emotions to try and learn why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Underneath an icy veneer of numbness: Anger. Contempt. Exhaustion. Regret. Self-loathing. But for the most part I felt numb, maybe the result of too many emotions since the fire.

Neither of us is who we thought we were on the day we got married. And remember, we married within weeks of meeting each other so "What do you expect?" you might sneer derisively, which I have done when one or the other of us angrily points out this very thing to each other during an argument.

The weird thing is, while we got married for one set of reasons that turned out to not be so accurate, there is this whole other set of reasons we should be married that we discovered along the journey. Reasons that are deeper and more important than the first rather superficial set. But I'll be damned if seeing the forest for all the trees littering a marriage ain't one of the toughest things to do.

As you can imagine, with Serge not living at home and divorce talks looming, making videos for He Said/She Said proved nearly impossible. Do we address the issue straight out? Do we highlight a trivial issue within our marriage while we work on the most serious problems?

We felt inclined to address the issue as it was happening so we did. Our thought? If our kids one day look at the video and our marriage doesn't work out they'll see we at least tried our hardest. If they watch it and we're still married they'll know the truth about marriage: it has ups and downs and you have to work at it.

After we made the video we second-guessed our decision to be so honest at that point and chose to make this video instead.

That was a month ago.

*****

Now that Serge has returned and we are about to head into therapy we feel more comfortable sharing our story. Today on He Said/She Said: the video we initially made after deciding to separate a month ago. It's interesting to watch after a month has gone by and you know the ending... of this particular chapter, at least.

We have a long way to go...