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Wednesday
Dec192012

But What If I'm Not Reindeer Car People?

A couple days ago Serge arrived home after picking up Violet from pre-school. She galloped in the door as she usually does and I, from wherever I am in the house, shouted "I HEAR MY GIRL. WHEEEERE'S MAMA'S GIRL?" As I usually do.

"Here I am!" She joyfully presented herself in the kitchen for my hugs and kisses and, as always, I marveled at my beautiful child and silently acknowledged that these days when I am the greatest person in her world are numbered.

"Come see our reindeer car!" She shouted, eyes shining.

Reindeer car? Oh, no. My eyes darted quickly to Serge in an attempt to see what he's been up to now. He immediately busied himself rearranging fridge magnets that didn't need rearranging and refused to meet my questioning expression.

The man, quite simply, cannot be trusted around Christmas. He loses his shit. Straight up. The entire month of December is a constant battle of wills. No Serge, we don't need life-size lawn ornaments. Yes Serge, I think ten rolls of tinsel will be enough. No Serge, we don't need a Christmas tree on the back porch. His debit card must be confiscated, he should not be allowed in any stores and, quite frankly, he has proven he should have his computer privileges revoked, as well.

"No you cannot purchase that $600 plastic Santa and eight reindeer to put on our roof."

"Not eight reindeer. NINE. Rudolph is included. Do you know how rare it is to find a blow mold Santa and all NINE reindeer? .

"Blow mold? What does that mean? It sounds like a costly home repair."

"You don't even know what blow mold means? Hmmph. Santa hates you and, to be honest, Jesus probably isn't all that thrilled with you either."

Now, as our daughter begs me to come see our "new reindeer car" I am fearful of what I'm about to discover.

Turns out, it's just a couple deer antlers attached to the driver and passenger window of our SUV. A large red nose is wired to the front bumper. A reindeer car.

"Look, Mom! It's Rudolph!"

"Yes." I say while giving Serge my best stink eye. "It's Rudolph. It's definitely Rudolph."

*****

"All I'm saying," I tell him later as we watch TV, "Is that being Reindeer Car People is a kind of thing you might ask me first. Kind of like those family car decals you stick on your back window."

You know the folks. The ones who tool around town with whimsical cartoon figures proudly depicting each member of their family affixed to their back window. "Are we Family Car Decal People?" I ask Serge. "No. Maybe you're Reindeer Car People but I don't really think I'm Reindeer Car People. Not that there's anything wrong with Reindeer Car People," I add.

I'm giving him a hard time, mostly as a joke, but there is some truth there, you know? Not everybody is Reindeer Car People and, after I damn near lose an antler on the freeway and ten minutes later nearly make a reindeer antler deposit at the drive-thru of our local bank, I decide that, all jokes aside, I am not Reindeer Car People either.

Reindeer Car antlers are more trouble than they're worth, truth be told. They are festive, to be sure, but festive in a the-old-lady-at-your-work-who-wears-Christmas-tree-balls-as-earings kind of way. But, to Serge, festive is festive is festive and so, pain in the ass or no, the antlers stay. Kind of. We've lost no less than four antlers on various roadways near our home. The antlers attach to the window but, to keep them secure, the window needs to remain closed. It's something that, after a lifetime of rolling down car windows at my leisure, I keep forgetting.

The first time I lost an antler I was relieved. Reindeer Car is over, I thought. But Serge, in the wink of an eye, was pulling a brand new set of antlers out of the back of the car. "I have three spare sets in the garage," he told me without meeting my eye.

And so we've spent much of this week marauding around town in our Reindeer Car and, just as often, retrieving fallen antlers. Yesterday, noon, found Serge backing up on highway 64 until I could jump out and retrieve an errant antler from the side of the road.

At this point, even though he would be loathe to admit it, I think even he is exhausted with the effort of maintaining our Reindeer Car People persona because I have yet to see replacement antlers go up after he lost another one when he rolled down the window last night to "get a closer look at an eagle" he spotted while on his way to the grocery store. Mr. Christmas has been forced to admit defeat.

It was a good run though, Serge. A good run.

Reader Comments (15)

I have stood next to your husband as he was writhing on the floor of a bar in Baltimore, surrounded by a room full of rock and roll lovin’ grown ass men and women who had driven many miles just see him and his brother make music. Every single one of us were stamping our feet and clapping our hands while he wrenched the most glorious sounds out of a harmonica that he had welded to a microphone and screwed down onto his face. Drenched in sweat, backed up by a powerful band of guys beating the hell outta guitars and drums - he was fearless and crazy and just great.

Now he has antlers on his car.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. But didn’t he write “with a 400 engine hot as a cremation coffin and a tailgate bangin’ like an airplane wing”? Has a different sound when its “. . . and a big red ball flappin’ against the grill”. Still most of us look for that kind of passion all of our lives and it just pours out of him.

It must be exhausting.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjimbo

That's fun. I have not seen them around here. I wonder if duct tape would take the paint off a car? Or maybe you could duct tape your window closed. Put a little duck tape over the control as a reminder? Or just duct tape the antlers down to the outside of the windows. Reindeer car! Yey! The nose since it makes the grill look like it's grinning. Even if you run of antlers the nose is good.

Our famous 1971 Chevy family station wagon bore a large orange 'GOD SQUAD CAR' bumper sticker. We were Jesus car people and proud OF it. Well maybe not the other kids. I totaled the God Squad car in 1979 and it sat tireless on cement blocks in a yard were everyone could see it for years to come. Brothers and sisters would point at it on our weekly drive to church...and simply say my name in unison.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGina

That's fun. I have not seen them around here. I wonder if duct tape would take the paint off a car? Or maybe you could duct tape your window closed. Put a little duck tape over the control as a reminder? Or just duct tape the antlers down to the outside of the windows. Reindeer car! Yey! The nose makes the grill look like it's grinning. Even if you run out of antlers the nose is good.

Our famous 1971 Chevy family station wagon bore a large orange 'GOD SQUAD CAR' bumper sticker. We were Jesus car people and proud OF it. Well maybe not the other kids. I totaled the God Squad car in 1979 and it sat tireless on cement blocks in a yard were everyone could see it for years to come. Brothers and sisters would point at it on our weekly drive to church...and simply say my name in unison.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGina

That is hilarious.

I work at a school and we had an Ugly Christmas Sweater wearing day on Monday. Dangerous territory. You see because some of the teachers wear those Ugly Christmas Sweaters and Ugly Christmas Sweater Vests as a normal nod to Christmas. I was very very careful about what I said, believe me. There is nothing worse than insulting someone who thinks sweaters emblazoned with applique pencils and rulers and apples, not to mention Christmas trees and candy canes, is acceptable.

Poor Serge. He just loves his Christmas, doesn't he? I do agree though, ten boxes of tinsel should be sufficient.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterT.J.

This was the funniest shit I read all day. I love it! I love his drive to make all things Christmas and your willingness to suffer the damn reindeer get up to the small details about picking up antlers off the road and Serge's secret stash. Quality stuff. It's been a hell of week and I needed this today.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

It's all about the Blow Mold. I had an(mostly fake) porch decorating competition, and I thought my adorable vintage blow mold soldiers would secure me the win. No dice. Our friend were "blown away" by the branches she decorated from her backyard. Christmas is wasted on those who don't know and love blow mold. I'm with Serge. I'm Reindeer Car People.

December 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheMostess

For Serge: http://themostess.blogspot.com/2012/12/ho-ho-holiday-display-off-cast-your-vote.html

I didn't even showcase my vintage blow mold Santa on my roof, or my vintage blow gingerbread men out front. I'm dying for that rooftop set.

December 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheMostess

Totally with YOU Monica! I am NOT, NOT, NOT Reindeer Car People. It's just...I dunno what, other than not me. Fortunately my husband is not Reindeer Car People either!

Hilarious post. Loved it!

December 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

You poor thing. Those antlers look awful after a couple of days outside, and even worse if it's rained on them. It's probably a good thing all of the sets are lost by the roadside somewhere, as you don't want to be the people with car antlers that look like ass and probably smell even worse.

December 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I mostly just lurk but I had to comment, I think this is my favourite post ever! Great writing and so funny!

December 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeck

My sister and I were driving my 84 year old father home from a medical appointment tonight when we decided to take him on a little sight seeing trip around our neighborhood. He has been living in the house all our lives, since he was 30, and said that he had seen enough Christmas lights and wanted to go home. We kept driving and chatting about Christmas past. I never realized the pressures a parent faces trying to make Christmas a fun and memorable time for their kids and how the miseries one faces in life can be cyclical, passed onto for generations. As I grew older, the life's troubles started to pile up and got in the way of my own holiday enjoyment.Tonight as my sister drove slowly along passing one after another Chrstmasy home, she said, " It's like ONE BIG PARTY, DAD!!!" It was then that Dad shared a memory which I had long forgotten. One particular Christmas Eve, a tree he gotten after the stand had closed ( jumped the fence and threw it over) had blown off the car on the way home. We were waiting at home and he shows up with no tree. What? No tree? He said that my mom collected fir tree branches and put them around a Nativity set and brought the focus back on Christ in the manger. I had forgotten this memory but it came back along with the colors of the lights and everything tonight. There is a house in our neighborhood which is quite over Sergified with flashing Christmas lights ( like something out of Lost in Space) but after we stopped in front of it and put down the windows, it became evident that they had the lights hooked up to the Christmas music. It was flashing and dancing all over the place! What an awesome Christmas spectacle! Made me appreciate Christmas decorations and respect the people who go all out blow mold and all! I got back home and lit up the hibiscus tree and got the party going. Thanks for sharing your Christmas joy and everything with us. It's really a blessing for many of us who need some blow molds, tinsel, colored lights, music and nativity scenes. Refreshing.

December 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGina

LOL!! I have seen the sets at the store but around here I have only seen cars with the red nose on them - no ears. Now I know why!! My kids want the elf one in a big way and beg for it every time we are in the store....I keep saying no but I will now change that to "hell to the no!" I am so not keeping up with those ears.

My son is also NOT getting a snake for Christmas. No way, no how. Not that the snake has anything to do with the reindeer/elf cars.....

December 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Random side note. Does anyone think it would be a good/fun idea to create a website like GOMI, but where it's all about the commenters of GOMI? Wouldn't it be great for them to get a dose of posts and comment threads dedicated to criticizing and bullying them based on just the things they write online, just like they do? I'd do it, but I don't have time... And man, those people have nothing but time for this crap.

December 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

@Daisy - It would be fun for, like, a day and then you'd feel so icky about yourself you'd bail. A great idea though, there are certainly plenty of characters to discuss!

December 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

Very true. All the people who enjoy spending hours and hours reading about other people's lives just to snark about it are already on GOMI.

December 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

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