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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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It Started Out With A Kiss How Did It End Up Like This?

I have a very distinct memory of arguing with Serge about who the hell knows what when we lived in Brooklyn. So I guess the memory isn't that distinct if I can't remember what we were arguing about. It's what came after the argument I remember most.

I grabbed my iPod and started walking. And I just kept going. From Williamsburg into Greenpoint, I was steaming through crowds, dodging strollers and Slow Walkers like a mad woman. I put The Killers' song Mr. Brightside on repeat and just kept on going. It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this...

It was night. Headlights from cars, neon signs from bars, Christmas lights strung in restaurants to hide dingy walls and floors, the lights danced across the purplish-black sky; a kaleidoscope of colors. Nobody knew me, no one in the world knew where I was - hauling ass through a Brooklyn neighborhood - my mind a whirl of anger and, and... something else.

Power. I felt powerful.

I feel powerful when I walk by myself. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. I am an island. Up in my head, thinking thoughts I'll never tell you, walking to music only I can hear.

It happened today. It's been the longest time since I felt that. I found my iPod (actually it was an iPod I bought for Serge several years ago. I had it inscribed with some tacky sentiment - at least it feels tacky now - and was so excited to give it to him so he could use it at the gym but he eventually accused me of really buying it for myself which was SO not my intention... Yet I'm the only one who has ever used it) and as soon as Serge got home from the gym I left to go walk laps at a local park.

Mr. Brightside poured into my ears - I haven't heard it in so long - and suddenly I was storming a Greenpoint, Brooklyn sidewalk again. Mad at Serge, mad at myself, mad at everything. But damn! It felt good to feel energized, to feel like a girl I thought was gone. She's in here somewhere.

Then I felt the familiar tingling, aching sensation in my chest that means the milk has arriveth - and I remembered who I am now. Mom, mostly. And yeah, wife too, I guess.

Marriage is a roller coaster. A series of peaks and valleys. I am trying to climb out of the valley.