When we first moved here to Green Acres I bought a mirror for our bathroom from Walmart. You know, one of those large rectangle jobs? A full body type mirror. And this isn't one of those cheap-o mirrors, the flimsy kind with the one inch wooden frame. This is a really nice mirror with a thick silver frame. Or a thick imitation silver frame, anyway. But the frame is thick. The mirror is fairly sturdy, is what I'm saying.
So I lugged that sucker home and propped it against my bathroom wall so I could marvel at how much baby weight my body was still desperately hanging on to. But a funny thing happened. Almost immediately, I began to feel really good about myself. Like, whoa. My pre-pregnancy jeans may not fit anymore but maybe my hips are just wider or something, because, according to this mirror, I look stunning. Hello there, beautiful!
Then one day while dragging a load of laundry into my bedroom I happened to gander my ass in the older mirror hanging on the door there and I was like, whaaa? That's not what I looked like this morning. I went back to the bathroom mirror and I am telling you, I looked twenty pounds lighter. Bathroom mirror - Gwyneth Paltrow. Bedroom mirror - Gwyneth Paltrow in the fat suit for Shallow Hal.
I'm not kidding. I really wish I could photograph what this lying, bitch ass bitch, bathroom mirror is doing. Here I was, parading around, looking a fool in my skinny jeans. Now that I really see the difference, the bathroom mirror is almost like a fun house mirror that stretches out your body. Oh! I thought of a good comparison. Remember this Paula Abdul video? Where the image is all stretched out? Like we all don't know Paula is trying to look tall and skinny? Anyway, that's about the same effect as my bathroom mirror.
At first I felt betrayed. Like, here I was feeling all good about myself when really I was sporting around a big ol' donkey booty. But a funny thing happened. I kind of realized I like a big ol' donkey booty. Flat asses suck... Well, they suck ASS. Who wants to look at a bony ass? I like a big round butt. A butt's supposed to be round, ain't it? Ever watched a skinny chick dance at a club? Demi Moore, anyone? EESH. I mean, I'm down with dancing like nobody's watching and all but, guurrrlll, sometimes you gotta know everyone is watching. Gotta have a little junk in the trunk to shake yer booty in such a way and look good, is all I'm saying. I mean, I still can't dance. But more booty equals less chicken-like, ya dig? A skinny chick has to work hard to look good dancing. A curvy gal just needs to shake her booty a bit and she is good to go.
Or maybe I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Maybe I'm offending legions of ass-less chicks the world over. But hey. It's about time we offend the thin a bit instead of worshiping sacks of bones parading around as supermodels. I dunno. What I do know is that I've got a drawer full of pre-pregnancy jeans that don't fit that I should totally get rid of but can't quite bring myself to toss because some jacked up part of my brain is telling me I should get back to what I weighed at 25. I want to rewire my brain so that I don't have a fucked self-image, you know? So that I don't think a slight muffin top is a big deal but, alas, I'm a victim of Seventeen magazine from way back in the day. And society took it from there. But, man. If if I can recover from Mormonism can't I recover from the beating society gave my mind in regard to the ideal female form? If not for me, for my daughter...
Can I? Can you? Can it be done?