Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Jan192011

Softer, Worser, Slower, Weaker

I read this post by Dooce and was immediately struck by the disparity in our situations.

I know it's not cool to call yourself fat when you're pregnant. Pregnant women supposedly being all glowy and beautiful and whatnot. But listen, I'm fat as hell.

FAT AS HELL.

And no, it's not just because I'm pregnant. Yes, I'm pregnant but I am fat all over. Ass, face, chin, ankles, feet, fingers. Even my toes feel fatter. Because I eat a fish burrito nearly every damn night. And cheese quesadillas in the morning.

Ass like a sack of dead kittens.

I was bitching about my immense girth to Manager McManagerson today at work and vowed that I plan to "rocket to fitness" after this child is born. He laughed at the terminology. Rocket to fitnes. Now that I think about it, who rockets to fitness with a 2-year old and a newborn? Rocket to fatness, maybe.

Anyway, I just thought you should know I'm fat. I need you to know I'm fat. In case I run into you in the grocery store or something and you bare witness to my ass following about ten paces behind the rest of my body. I'll feel better if you have a heads up on the situation.

But listen. Enough about that. Much is going down 'round these parts. Things that I have to be annoyingly vague about, for now. But these things have a lot to do with YOU! Yes, you!

Decisions have to be made. Big, scary, life-changing decisions. Right around the same time I give birth. You know big decisions after I pass a human from my body and my hormones are raging out of control.

So stick around. This show is about to get funky, y'all.

Reader Comments (19)

i get it - you're deciding whether to run away with your lesbian lover and you're not sure how your readers will take it :-) Being fat (which you're not!) certainly pales next to that!

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranonymous

Can I babysit for you?

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterA. Clarissa Johnson

Monica. Don't worry. It WILL come off with a minor bit of diet and a little exercise. I have three kids and I gained over 50 lbs each time. Awful. I had fat in places that I didn't know you could get fat. And, I'm back to a size 6 or 8. I had to work for it...but you too will get there. Chin up, girl.

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

For God's sake, forget about the fat, concentrate on a healthy baby. Our world is so centerend on outside looks that some people forget to look on the inside for the true meaning of life. If after the babe is born, nourished and safe, you can work on the fat part if it makes you unhappy. Remember that this too shall pass. Remember that yes, the hard times will pass, but also remember that the good times will pass also. Enjoy them all since they may never be experienced again. This is who you are right now, embrace it. It won't be who you are tomorrow or a few months from now.

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCinoda

I am a very overweight woman, have always been very overweight and struggle to try to be healthy, as there's always some junk food that catches my eye, or another day gone by when I forget to exercise. But I realized that as long as I'm at this weight, I may as well learn to be happy with myself for the time being, to learn to not hate my weight if I'm not doing anything about it at the moment. You look very healthy and beautiful, and seem very capable of working off the weight, and I wish you the best. But try not to beat yourself up over the extra pounds right now. It'll just make your life miserable and more stressful. concentrate on having the baby, and being positive about how you look. you are beautiful, and you will get through this.

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Good luck with all those changes!

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIZ

hmm, I've read the comments above and I agree - you are beautiful and the weight will, OF COURSE, come off - but that being said since we have (I believe) identical due dates, I feel you, sister. I know it my heart of hearts the weight will come off when I return to my workout and eating routine but it's absolutely amazing how ROUND everything gets...it's not just about the weight itself, which is one thing and doing it's job to make a healthy baby - it's how round my face, my fingers, my toes are...I think I actually have back fat!

This too shall pass but I agree - it's hard to adjust to and hard to accept in the mean time.
Happy and healthy baby to you!

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney

Now you've got me all curious about the "changes"...Maybe a sitcom, perhaps, hopefully. That would be awesome! Love ya fatty.

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNiobe19

Yo girl,
With your attitude the World better watch out.
You and the little family can weather anything.
I'm looking forward to stories of New Adventures !

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterUtah Lurker

Serge caught the fish that grants wishes and you're going to be a SAHM?

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

I am happy for all of you and all these big exciting new changes....actually I am very jealous! But anywhoo....besides that we are so so happy for you.

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

I am around your weight and I am not pregnant, and never have been to my knowledge. I am a size 10-12 and only a little bit taller than you. I'm more or less completely happy with my body, perhaps a little more so if it is maybe a couple of pounds lighter, but nothing major. To be perfectly honest, you've mentioned your actual weight in pounds several times, and I wonder what the problem is. Maybe in the eyes of the rest of the world I am delusional or something. Maybe I have body dysmorphic disorder in reverse. But, my (skinny) husband (with his 32 in waist) assures me that is not the case.

(My doctor has no problem with it either. I'm in the healthy BMI range, for example. I track what I eat every day on Sparkpeople and it's within all generally accepted nutritional guidelines. I exercise moderately.)

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterL

Having never been pregnant, I can't fully sympathize with these exact bodily feelings, though I think you are totally beautiful in all the photos I've seen - preggo or not!

However, I have two words for you - Jillian Michaels. I have a bunch of her dvds and they are, seriously, intense - workouts from just 25 minutes to ~60. Get a couple dvds + a pair of 5 lb dumb bells - low cost, squeeze in the work out wherever you can with the kiddos (no, I don't get royalities!).

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlucy

Man, it's a shame you feel the need to beat yourself up about something like that. As a 21-yr old girl who is definitely not pregnant, I think you are beautiful and inspirational. Damn western society conditioning and superficial values! Erghhh!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

I hate the way fat feels on my body. I quit smoking and gained a bunch of weight. Struggled up the stairs as a smoker. Struggle up the stairs as a fat ass. about to take up smoking again....because this is some bullshit. haha. good luck getting your body back. let me go buy a pack of smokes and I will get back to you on how it's going over here ;)

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteramber

Oooh! Ooh! Is the last sentence in your following post a hint?! I love it when it gets all funky. And (unrelatedly) when you get all soap-boxy. And p.s. you're not fat.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristine from Canada

I understand feeling huge in that last bit of pregnancy. I gained 60 pounds with each of my two kids, and by the end I felt like it took extraordinary effort just to move around. Changing so much in such a short time is intense, and if you are big compared to what you are used to I think it makes complete sense that you feel unpleasantly big. I just tried to remember that I would have time to lose weight, but would only have one chance to make a healthy baby.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin

are you saying you've got a front roll, fat back,fat back, front roll,front roll, fat back, yeah? Cause you can join our club here here then. I mean not HERE per say but you are, I am sure in good company. why....I point to my can and say " table for two?". Anyway, no sweat. At LEAST you know it. my gosh, i will NEVER forget the day at the beach with my mom. I had just miscarried. after being on all kinds of fertility blow out drugs and had NO idea my arse was THAT horrifying until old Mom had to SAY something about my needing to drop THE WEIGHT. standing with my BUT-TOCKS facing the crowd it was just....well....awkward. " thanks Mom, " I said, " do you feel better about yourself now?" I had to forgive her for that. Camera at the beach. Ugh.Anyway. Get some fat shots so you can have your before and afters. You'll back to yourself within 6 months to a year if you maybe eat half the bread and b-feed...your business of course. God bless, you put every heavy girl at ease with your down to earth tongue in cheek self deprecation. you are beautiful inside and out.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

So, you guys are finally moving back to Pennsylvania?

January 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterflee

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