Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Friday
Aug132010

But what if Ellen needs me?

Admittedly, I have been prone to hyperbole on the blog a time or two (who ME?) so I should post a photo of my enormous self so that you will know that I tell no lies when I inform you that right now, at three months, I am the same size I was at five months with Violet.

No lie.

I went shopping at those meccas for cheap clothes, Target, Old Navy and TJ Maxx last weekend. In the middle of trying on the tenth or eleventh item that I can only describe as a Hefty sack disguised as a dress, I broke down.

Have you ever seen your naked, pregnant, rippling flesh in conjunction with a silent, mascara-stained Ugly Cry reflected in a fluorescent lit dressing room mirror? Violet, who was admiring herself in the aforementioned mirror, stopped mid-clap to observe the horror. And then, of course, to keep her from crying in fright I had to put on the Mommy Voice and say something cheerful as cheap grocery store mascara dripped onto the Target Hefty sack encasing my body like sausage skins.

Fake it 'til you make it.

At least with Violet, I kept some semblance of my previous body, with most of the weight taking up residence, appropriately, around my middle. It wasn't until month eight or nine that I chunked out all over. But this? I mean, am I carrying twins or what?

Boobs like sacks of dead rabbits. Or something. Hoo boy. Big, utilitarian grandma boobs with blue veins criss-crossing the stretched skin like river lines on a map. Nipples the size of dinner plates.

Apologies. Didn't mean to put you off your lunch. On second thought, I won't post a photo. I can't stomach slapping paint on my mottled mug in some weak attempt at trying not to look like a total bag on the internet. Some other time, maybe.

I am trying to envision what having two children (OH MY FUCKING GOD TWO CHILDREN WHAT IN CHRIST WERE WE THINKING!!!) and my mind goes blank. Like static on a TV. Actually, I do have one fuzzy image of my fat self, breastfeeding a screaming newborn while chasing Violet as she pulls the bottom orange out from a carefully stacked pyramid of produce at a crowded WalMart.

In completely unrelated news, am I the only one who hates when Ellen dances on her show? I get uncomfortably hot and, like your grandparents rolling up and busting a move at your high school prom, I just want to make it stop.

If I were a celebrity I wouldn't do Ellen's show because, God forbid, I'd have to bee-bop my way to Ellen after being introduced. Would I kind of phone it in with a couple token head bobs or is that too much like a hipster at a Sonic Youth concert?

So then what? I have to commit to a solid dance number? A routine? Do you think the celebrities practice their Ellen routine in front of the bathroom mirror the night before? Like, Demi Moore puts on her Givenchy dress and Manolo Blahniks (Are the cool kids still wearing Givenchy? Is it more hip to just say Manolos? Sorry. I shop for clothes in the plus size section of Target) and shakes her groove thang in front of the mirror to see what she looks like when she dances in the outfit her assistant laid out for her to wear on Ellen?

Me? I'd definitely be up nights, wondering what the fuck I'm going to do after Ellen introduces me. Hell, I'm up nights now thinking about it and I got about as much a shot as going on Ellen as getting into the Mormon heaven.

Actually, I think I got a better shot at Ellen than the Celestial Kingdom. Just ask this guy.

Reader Comments (17)

I just had that same clothing breakdown in the dressing room at the Gap on Thursday for the same reason. Maternity clothes suck! I'm 4.5 and am bigger than you were at 5 with my first. I put it on and turn to the side and think, really are they trying to make me look like a mac truck- and they want me to pay $45 bucks for a shirt? No thanks! So today I squeezed in to 2 size up jeans I bought when I first got the lovely bloat and they're tight, but the look a hell of a lot better!
Also, Ellen danced on Fox's So You Think You Can Dance last night and it was really really bad, so I'm with you.

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAdrienne

That feeling when Ellen dances? That feeling is "shame by proxy" my friend.

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

With every kid the weight piles on faster and faster (which totally sucks)....that's why I only have three and well that and the kids out number us and that is NOT a good thing!

We are so happy for you guys!

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

Have you tried H&M for maternity clothes?
I loved them.

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSD

Linked to your blog today from Mamapundit.com.

I might be in love with you. Not really, but you do rock.

Can you perhaps put all of your posts into book form for me so I can read them at work? It will be easier than me having to go back and start at the beginning online.

Thanks.

Seriously though, I always feel bad for Ellen because even if she wanted to stop dancing on her show she never could & I have also actually felt anxious thinking about if I was ever famous and on her show and how I would have to dance as well.

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMeghan

I always feel so uncomfortable when Ellen dances. I usually change the channel so that I don't have to watch it, and check back in a minute to see if it's done.

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBonny

Boof...I can't take that dancing in the man shirt and tie business either. Enough already! Cornball.

I appreciate your honesty. Re: your fitting room break down. While I have never been pregnant, I understand your absolute horror in the fitting room as certain lighting plays up, or of course in my case, produces the illusion of sudden weight gain. While standing in my underwear before the wicked mirrors in the fitting rooms the Burlington Coat Factory, with my back to the mirror, I can't resist a taking a gander over my shoulder. Dear God. That's not me. Once the shock wears off, I have had this sudden overwhelming feeling of disgust which did not accompany me into the room. At this point, I seem to vascilate between belief and disbelief of what I am actually visualizing, and have finally made my peace with the fact that the mirrors LIE. I shout " YOU LIE!" and that's that. Because they do. Mocking lying Subonaveeches. Well, not the mirrors...the lighting. Maybe the mirrors too. Feel better.

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

It's your second baby. It sucks but thats that. Your body just balloons quicker and quicker with each kid. When I had Ele my first, i was a size 6 and wore size 9/10 the day I delivered her. I rubber banned my jeans, hardly wore maternity pants and shirts. Lost all the weight and was cute little mommy of 1. THEN I got preggers with Phin my second and HOLY SHIT! I ballooned from a size 6 to a 14/16. Gained 80 lbs and my boobs ARE STILL DISGUSTING! Oh, and he is 2 and I am still fighting to get this fat ass back to a size 6. Not trying to frighten you but trying to make you feel better:D YOU ARE DARLING! But, it doesn't matter what people tell you, you are still going to feel like ass until you hold that sweet little lump of love in your arms. Two kids are definitely harder than one. But so worth it. Good luck, hope you feel better about your growing. AND Gap by far is my favorite maternity store.
Lots of Love
Kel

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKel Scott

Blame it on the hormones because I'm positive you are still cute as fuck. btw, I'm the creepy lady who stares at pregnant women, smiling and awwwing at the sight of a round belly. I had four children in six years and while our family is complete, my body still aches to carry a baby within my own, experience the intensity of childbirth again and enjoy the ultimate reward of cradling my newborn in my arms. But yeah, the saggy grandma boobs can go to hell. Every time I lean over, my lefty (which is the bigger one if you were wondering) pops out of confinement and I have to stuff that dough back into my bra. I'm 33 years old goddammit!! ..:sigh:..

August 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen W.

Hi Hun

I meant to comment on your last post about who reads you and why etc but was in a wilderness with no internet for a bit and then started back at work. For the record - as weird and as slightly mad as it sounds - it is like catching up with a mate when I read your blog - you make me laugh and cry and care and all sorts of things. It's a treat to read and entry from you and I am never ever bored.

Now - I feel your pain. 2nd baby - your stomach muscles have a 'memory' or something - why couldn't they just 'forget?' but anyway - so they go - a ha! I know what's going on here - and spread out - immediately. It all evens out again about month 5. At 12 weeks I looked 4 months gone. To cap it all I am working with a teeny tiny 1st pregnancy woman who looks like she just ate a piece of cake while I am a whale! My advice - go shopping now - sales are on and don't get sack stuff cos that just makes you feel like a feeder. As soon as I had that bump I was into clingy stuff to go 'I aint fat - I am up the duff.' Finally - I found a cheap hairdresser who comes to my house - because if you can't do anything about the pregnancy take over of your body - paint your nails, or get your hair done to make yourself feel like you.

Oh and my chest is taking over the world - I am a G cup for ginormous. Hideous. My breasts enter a room 2 minutes before I do. But look at Violet and remember that it is all worth it. It will be. Take care x

August 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrummyMummy

You are too funny....you look gorgeous pregnant with Violet, I'm sure you look just as gorgeous now.....very happy for you

August 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

No comment about your maternity-ness, as I am chlldless... but Ellen...

I've only seen her dance, maybe, three or four times- and it was extremely sweat-inducing; geesh. Is that why she didn't sign up for the next season of 'Idol'? No platform for her goofy dance? She's become a parody of herself and it's getting ugly.

August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

boy do i get this. i am 24 weeks pregnant, my fourth pregnancy, and i am bigger now than i was in my 9th month with my others! ACK.

ack.

August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermaggie may

Hey My Dearest Mon,
"Have you ever seen your naked, pregnant, rippling flesh in conjunction with a silent, mascara-stained Ugly Cry reflected in a fluorescent lit dressing room mirror?"

'Kay that's every Thursday and occasional Tuesdays for me and I have nor ever will be pregs.
BTW- the rest of the days?........ Not so much better!!

Baby V is so happy, well adjusted & glowey. You & The Surge are kicking parental ass & taking names, no worries!! You guys can handle this. You come from good Mormon stock, you're made for this shit!!!

Who piles oranges up in a pyramid anyway, that configuration always gives me the heebie jeebies. Like a produce Jenga game gone terribly awry-unsettling at best. I don't need that added pressure. Let Violet grab - I say!!

Love you Mama!!

PS- Don't talk to me about Ellen. She & one of her nutsy exes screwed my brother-in-law out of major dough, by waffling on an American Express commercial she was in. Bro-in-law was doing the music, it was completed then the girlfriend chick wanted to try & her hand in at production & it all went to hell.
Do not take food out of my beautiful nephew's mouth Ellen you crazy bitch (or the latest Star Wars Wii game - yes it matters!!!!)
I hope Ellen falls on her ass really hard doing those white girl dance moves, & knocks the gay right out of herself. Her lesbian-ness is the only thing I actually find attractive about her!!!!

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergiac

Katy - You've got it all wrong. That reaction to Ellen dancing is called "Douche Chills". It happens whenever someone is acting so douchey, you actually become embarrassed for them.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNicole (the other one)

...it's just an idea, but next season we all need to inspire or even stimulate ourselves to lose the weight and to get fit again and to be beautiful mamas, don't you think:) Monica this video above is awesome, I love it!!!

August 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

What I don't understand is why these retailers don't hire a lighting expert who can figure out the solution to this problem. Fluorescent lighting makes Jennifer Anisten's ass look bad. The smarties at anthropologie have at least installed skinny mirrors. That has made for some bad purchases but I still like going in there.

oh and congrats on the new baby in the body. that's exciting!

August 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJane

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