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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Jun232010

Sir Sleeps A Lot ruins her night

I surprised Serge with tickets to Anthony Bourdain on Father's Day. The day before Father's Day, actually. It was the first time we've been on a date since, oh, I don't know, 2008.

So of course the freeway is shut down to one lane on our way up to dinner in Salt Lake City and it takes us a half hour to cover five minutes of roadway. And, of course, several lanes are shut down again a few miles down the road but at least this time we're able to exit the freeway just in time to avoid the parking lot that has become I-15. Whatever. We made it.

Bourdain was great and I developed a small crush on him almost immediately. He's very tall, with long spider legs and a devilish attitude and uses curse words intelligently. A combination that makes me a bit swoony. I think Serge has a bigger crush on him than me even.

Really though, it was the couple next to us that I couldn't keep my eyes off. About ten minutes into the show I have to pee. Yes, I availed myself of the facilities before but we had split a pitcher of beer during dinner, probably an unwise decision considering we were headed to a show at a fancy theater.

Having to pee during movies, shows or on the airplane always stresses me out to an unbelievable degree. Generally, I hate people but also I really hate to piss them off. So, while I can't stand the Loud Talker in the seat next to me on the airplane I'm also horrified at the great sigh he will heave as I inconvenience him when I get up to pee. This makes no sense, I know. Unless you realize how passive aggressive I am and then it makes perfect sense.

When it feels like my bladder has grown arms and is trying to strangle me I wait until the audience applauds some hilarious Bourdain anecdote and then I make my move. I inch past Serge and the woman sitting next to him but when I get to her boyfriend/husband he refuses to move his legs for me. He is a big man and his big legs are splayed across the entire aisle. Knowing I am blocking the view of those behind me I stand awkwardly for a split second, dreading the inevitable confrontation that is sure to take place. Until I realize dude is fast asleep. Like, chin firmly implanted to his chest, asleep. "Honey!" his girlfriend/wife hisses to no avail. She's clawing at his leg in a desperate attempt to clear the aisle but the guy is gone. I quickly make it past him by grabbing the railing and kind of hoisting myself over his legs and dash for the restroom.

I can tell his girlfriend/wife has been stressing my return the entire time I was gone because the second I step into view she starts digging into his leg and whispers "you need to move your legs!" But sleeping beauty does not move. I whisper that it's okay, hop quickly over his legs again and back to my seat. No big deal.

But I can't stop looking at Sir Sleeps A Lot. Like, he must've passed out the minute he sat down. His lady is pissed. Which I enjoy. I mean, who doesn't enjoy when it's the other couple fighting for once?

About halfway through Bourdain's gig the girlfriend/wife stands up and begins to maneuver around her guy's legs. Somehow he wakes up, goes to grab her hand as if to say where are you going? She jerks her hand out of his hand and leaves. He kind of sits there like an idiot while I'm screaming at him in my head. FOLLOW HER! GO MAKE IT BETTER, YOU IDIOT. But he just sits there. Maybe he thinks she's gone to the restroom but I know that chick is gone, man. Dude fell asleep on their date. She probably bought the tickets and dude was a big, fat dork and conked out.

When our man Anthony was nearing the end of his gig the guy finally stood up slowly, looked around like, geez, I guess she isn't coming back and began to make his way out of the theater.

On the way home I mentioned the couple to Serge who, it turns out, was watching the show as well. "I know, did you see her get up and leave! And he just sat there, like, duh!" We wondered if she took the car and drove home and he had to find his own way or if she was waiting in the lobby or what.

My guess is that girl was long gone, probably already home in the tub with a glass of wine, if she has a brain in her head.

Reader Comments (15)

do not even get me started on my love for tony. seriously, when i saw him in nyc a few weeks ago i almost died at his sheer sexiness...and i'm a vegetarian!

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpeach

We were there too, loved Bourdain! The kid sitting in front of me wore his sunglasses the whole time AND he had a 4 foot long grey tail hanging out of the back of his pants. WTF? Beat that!!

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

I saw Anthony as well, even met the guy! I asked him to politely stand up wherein he made the comment "Wow you two really are tall!" Mind you my mother and I are both 6'1", Tony is about 6'3" i would guess! He was very nice! He would sign ANYTHING you wanted in your book, so I had him sign "I love Jenevieve, Love Tony" lol and he did it!

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

the big lummox. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Well I just happen to be that guy you're so mercilessly ridiculing, and it just so happens that the reason I fell asleep during the show was that I had spent the entire previous night with my dying mother, who passed away that morning after a long battle with cancer.

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSir Sleeps

....and then I went to a lecture because I have nothing in my chest but a lump of ice where my heart should be. So long Mom !!!!!

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSir Sleeps

uhh, is sir sleeps serious?? b/c if so , i would sort of feel bad for laughing out loud reading your post. but i would be distracted then by the irony that he reads your blog. then i would be even further baffled by why his girlfriend/wife would bring him to see Tones and then get pissed for him passing out.

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermr

Way to stop a thread Sir Sleeps!

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

Re: the hating people but not wanting to piss them off thing, THAT IS SO ME. I wish I could be more like my husband who hates people and doesn't care if he pisses them off. SIGHHHHHHHHHH.

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

This story ended up much better than the scenario I was imagining, which had the dude not sleeping but DEAD in his seat at the theater. Ugh! What is wrong with my brain?

(Glad you're sticking around.)

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteragirlandaboy

hmm. if that were MY guy sleeping like that, blocking the way, I would have no problem giving him a wake up pinch. just a little something to bring him around.

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

I heart Bourdain - ever since I read Kitchen Confidential years ago. I am jealous you saw him in the handsome still at 50, flesh... My Husband sky +s all his shows - the eating still live snake heart ones. If we are ever lucky enough to be in NY we hotfoot it to Les Halles for the best steak frites in town... How could anyone sleep when he is near????

PS Good to have you back

June 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrummyMummy

Ok, Sir sleeps. But move your freaking legs. A girl's gotta pee.

June 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

We were there too, and I feel you about the potty break. I even asked for tickets close to the edge because I have to go alot, and since we ate dinner at Fleming's before (decided to go gourmet all night in Tony's honor) along with two bottles of awesome wine (try the Ringbolt) I was tripping over people constantly.

Did you see the guy with the electronic cigarette SMOKING in the the theatre. Yes, I told on him. I'm bitchy like that.

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMJButah

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July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEmersonAbigail31

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