Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Friday
May282010

I Am Murphy's Bitch

Fuck me but it's been a hard month. Seriously. Murphy's Law and all that. And just who the hell is this Murphy bastard because I have a bone to pick with him. I will tear his ass up and then he will make more bad things happen to me so I guess I should just leave Murphy and his laws alone and maybe he will go find someone else to pick on.

I've just so not been feeling the blog, y'all. I also don't feel like chronicling what went down this month. I will tell you this: strike five. So, like, I think my ovaries are broken, y'all. Okay, not really. But still, it was a bummer. My period was three days late and it's never late so I got all hopped up... every trip to the bathroom was a huge drama... and it never came. I allowed myself to get excited and then I would be all, Self, you are just setting yourself up for some disappointment here so then I would calm the fuck down for a few hours and then I'd get all excited again and proclaim my chosen baby names to Serge and then I'd have to mellow out again.

This shit went on for four days last week and then my period sucker punched me in the kidney and now it's come and gone and that's that. Not that I feel like qualifying anything I write on here because there is entirely too much qualifying in blogging these days to appease the people who may or may not be reading who may or may not be offended. But listen, I know it takes some people eighty billion years to have a baby and I know some people pay mass amounts of dollars to have babies or adopt babies and I've only been trying for five measly months. And I already have a baby. But hey. This is my experience and I feel like talking about it and whining about it and I don't feel like being compared to anyone else.

So I'm not pregnant and that sucks but there's always another month.

Things are happening in other areas. Things I can't share with you but oh, how I'd like to. All in good time, all in good time.

I need to come clean about some things. Mostly to Serge. He is going to read this and freak or maybe he won't but I'm going to go ahead and tell him here. Maybe so there's witnesses and stuff. So, like, if I don't come around here for a few weeks maybe call police and have them do a welfare check and make sure I'm still alive. Okay. Here goes. Wait. Hold on. Okay, okay. Here goes:

I got in another car crash. No, not the one where the guy t-boned me last week. It was before that. No, not the one that involved the old lady and the train tracks, it was after that.

Um... yeaaah. Okay, so it was the night before Spliffer died. I was trying to leave work a few hours early so I could come home and spend some time with Spliff that one last night. I was driving on the freeway, thinking about the old boy and I was bawling and carrying on when I probably shouldn't have been and ended up hitting the back of the car in front of me.

It was rush hour, bumper to bumper traffic, so we weren't driving that fast. We pulled over while I bawled some more. He had a scratch on his bumper the size of a needle. Since our insurance jumped up after my crash into the old lady I told the kid I'd rather pay for the damage in cash. I mean, it was a tiny scratch and our deductible is $500. I figured the cost to repair this eensy, weensy, tiny, little scratch couldn't be more than that.

A week goes by. I become hopeful that the kid doesn't care about the scratch on his stupid, fancy boy 2009 Mazda Miata. Not so. He calls with an estimate of $900. They have to repair the entire bumper and he really feels bad about it, but hey, he likes his shiny, black car and he wants it fixed, so pony up the cash, old lady.

I make him get another estimate which turns out to be even pricier. So I had to take $900 out of our hard-earned savings account and meet this kid in a coffee shop and give him an envelope of cash like some skeevy drug dealer.

Did I also mention that our other car required about a thousand bucks worth of repairs in March? The usual maintenance crap. New tires, new windshield blah blah blah. Between my first crash, the repairs and now this crash we've spent about three grand on cars since we moved into mom's place. Which means we haven't saved that much. I kind of want to die.

Anyway, so there. Now you know, Serge. I got into ANOTHER crash in between the crashes you know about and I didn't tell you. But I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be upset and stress about it like I did. Not because I never planned on telling you. After having to shell out all that cash on deductibles and car repairs I just kind of figured that we both didn't need to be miserable about another horrible car drama, you know?

Anyway, I've developed this terrible driving phobia. I'm all twitchy now and am expecting a crash at any moment which is totally not cool when I commute about forty-five minutes to and from work every day. At least five times per commute I am certain people are trying to merge into my lane and cut me off. If someone ten miles in front of me flashes a little brake light my way I have to resist cranking up the emergency brake and bracing for the inevitable crash, this is how afraid I am. I constantly think people are going to hit me. Or that I will hit them, evidently the more likely of the two. Truly, I am traumatized about driving.

So please, feel bad for me, Serge. I didn't mean to be all secretive and stuff I just didn't want you to have to stress about it as well. You know? It's because I care SO DEEPLY about you. Also? LastnightIgotaspeedingticket. I think we can safely attribute this to my driving trauma, yes?

Reader Comments (22)

I feel your pain WhoGirl. Last week I was oh so clever moving money around so as to avoid penalties etc on our loans and the very last thing I needed to do was deposit some cash into the bank so that our car loan payment could come out and not default. So, while DH picked up the kids from school I drove to the bank (p.s. I hadn't driven anywhere all day as I had a busy one at home) I had 20 mins to get there and it was only 5 mins away so I wasn't feeling rushed, I was cruising at 60km/hr, the limit when FLASH!.... wtf!! I'm not speeding, what was that!? Then I realised that I was in a school zone (with a 40km/hr limit) aaaaaaaaaahhhh. There were no other cars around, no kiddies, no cross walk man, no flags up!! but I was actually, technically 'speeding' through a school zone in the last 15 mins before it became a 60km/hr zone again. GRRR. So, $300 fine = :( I should have just stayed at home and let my account be overdrawn, that would only have cost me $45. Oh, and the weekend before my car got broken into at a cemetery! and DH's phone and wallet got stolen (why were they in the car, beats me, DH is just like that. he's pretty mad at himself). Aaaaaaanyway, just trying to say I know how you feel, and I hope things start looking up :)

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Oh girl. That just sucks.

I'm moving to Utah from LA and I'm terrified to do this thing. I need your life to be cool and fabulous, so here's to hoping that happens soon for both of us.

Also, I hope your car karma clears soon. And! your story of the tracks and the old lady have haunted me since, I'm so glad everyone is okay. And how great that miata guy is okay and then the last one too (right? I didn't read that post, I'll go back). It's only money, people are safe. so yay for that.

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJane

Oh my goodness. That is hilarious. I just read it aloud to my boyfriend and we agreed I'd do the same exact thing you did. I'm sorry you're so stressed though - it sounds like you've had a really tough go of things lately. I hope it's limited time only!!

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

Wow. That truly sucks.

All bad shit comes in 3's, so you should be done with the car accidents. Just try not to get another 2 tickets!

Forget about the money. You're all healthy and safe and that's really and truly the only thing that matters.

Part of our house loan is in Swiss Francs. Their currency is so high at the mo, that we now owe more than what we borrowed 6 years ago! That also sucks. But fortunately the Kiwi mentality "No worries mate, she'll be right" brainwashed me from birth.

Thanks for writing again. I love your blog.

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen

speeding tickets suck.

what do they cost in utah?

i got one at easter...arrived in the post on monday...110kph in a 100kph zone

$133 and 1 point

to add to the $333 and 4 points i got last year

thats nearly $500 i could spend in so many other ways

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I had some serious driving/riding anxiety that cropped up this past winter - gasping, flinching and white knuckling the oh-shit-handles every time I got in the car. Let me just say that anti-anxiety pills are a wonderful thing.

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterwindylou

That ALL sucks. I don't think there is anything else to say about it. It just sucks. Oh, and wine. Have a glass of wine. Who cares that it is 8:00 in the morning right now?

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnjie B.

Oh man.
That SUCKS.
I have a feeling you'll be knocked up before the summer's over? How do I know this? Well, it's something very scientific, I like to call, a FEELING.
And the car. Blech.
I know exactly the feeling of guilt and shame and STRESSSS. I backed into a parked truck in the winter and was so embarst. Stupid women drivers!
Keep writing!

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCristin

Sorry about your misfortunes but I bet he won't think your blog is boring now

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterhyg

Man. What shitty luck. Seriously.

And seriously, anybody who gives you a hard time about feeling bad that your period came a.g.a.i.n. can suck it. Just because other people have this and that problem doesn't mean that it didn't break you heart to see that come. This is your blog, and if you need to tell us you're sad that you're still not pregnant then you just go right ahead and do. I'm so sorry your period came. Hugs.

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFable

You should have some fertility tests done just to make sure everything is in working order. Fibroids in the uterus can act like an IUD and prevent you from getting pregnant. A pelvic ultrasound can detect this. An HSG will check to make sure your tubes are open an working perfectly. These are both easy tests to have done and will give you peace of mind. Good luck!

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

OMG, I HATE driving on I-15, especially over the point of the mountain. People are NUTS on that freeway! Somehow, I-215 is OK, but I-15, SO NOT. I'll drive as far as I can on side roads and take a full hour longer to get somewhere rather than risk that mania.

Good luck with the pregnancy. I predict you'll be tossing your cookies by fall!

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlto Girl

Leave your keys on the red wobbly table. You're done.

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterserge

Text from my husband who just read this blog: You just scratched the car door and dinged the back bumper just by sitting in your desk at work. Ugh.

May 28, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

Oh honey! I'm so sorry about all of this. You'll feel better, now that you've come out. And thank goodness you were smart enough to have the savings to take care of all this car business. Smart kids, you two. Back on track. You got this.

Oh, and please don't stop writing. Thanks.

May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTracee

oh my, I'm so sorry Monica, look you need to have some day[s] off from work and from all what it's going on your mind, really, I know what I'm saying because it always happen to me when I'm tired and my mind is focus on to many things, last Sunday e.g.[now it's even funny, right] I put unleaded gasoline to my diesel engine car, so good I didn't start the car and an hour later I smashed other car into street lamp, it was more stressfull than what I care for, so please relax your all efforts, you don't need to realize your plans in one year/month :) fingers cross these scratches were the last thing happen in your car carma story
oh and please don't stop writing, sometimes it's good say/write what is going on just to drop all the stress and look at yourself/things from perspective, and remember we are a good listeners here!! have a nice weekend and please try to relax.

May 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

Bless your heart, you just had to come clean, dint cha? I always have to fess up. Drat it all. Ah, don't worry, Monica. Maybe It's not okay now but IT WILL BE. The sun's gonna shine and everything is gonna be awwllright. I suggest you find yourself a little something to uncomplicate life for today. Have some of whatever...melted cheese and a fruit ( fresh fat strawberries and blueberries are in season!!!) Whatever it takes. Browse around Walmart...go for a bike ride... Forgeive yourself and move on. PS I actually had to start a separate savings....since life was robbing me blind. and dry. Here, have a dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpvKVrJ6FBI

May 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergina

That sucks! When it rain, it pours doesn't it?
On a side note have you read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler? If anything ir made me feel more in control and in touch with my fertility patterns and made me feel more sane when I could not get pregnant for over 8 months.

May 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersara

Ahhhh man, that sux. I am sorry to hear about all that. You gotta relax. I know, easier said than done. The more energy you put into being scared of driving, the more negative stuff you will attract. Anyway, I am going to recommend "PreSeed" to you again. I am not some crazy sales chick. I just really think it will work for you. At least it is worth a try.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You don't know me from Jack...
But I adore you.

Take it from me... (yes... everything is relative- I get it- blah blah) You're fine.
Just a blip.
Me? Is you. Even did a Utah stint. Lil' Miss A-Okay.
Within 6 months? 6 months (!), I say (!)... I could headline the 25th Anniversary of a Jerry Springer episode.
You'll be cool. Send a karmic kick in the balls to the Miata Guipo (Miata? Really? We should really be throwing him a "INo, REALLY! It's All In The Motion!" party...), buck up and move on. You. Will. Be. Fine. And Serge will love you today... just as he did the first day he laid eyes on you. Unconditionally.
Hang in there, Tiger. And please keep writing.
Fo realz.

Krista

June 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKrista

interesting post. thank you

Just started reading your blog yesterday. Love it. Last Saturday, 20 over the speed limit, $188, first ticket ever, waiting to find out what the courts say about the whole wreckless driving and how many points I get. I am NOT telling my boyfriend. Not lying but you know...why bring it up? We've been together 8 years and he brags to all of his dude friends that his gf is a great driver, never even been pulled over. Fuck it, he needs bragging rights too, right? P.s. totally stole the $ from myself slowly so as to not get noticed...good for u though.

August 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteramber

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