Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
You can also find Monica's writing here:
Search The Girl Who
« The Sunset Of His Life | Main | Remember That Scene In E.T. Where Gertie Plays Dress-Up With Him? »
Monday
Apr052010

A Few Words Of Warning

You know how your jeans can feel a little tight after you've washed them? Or indulged in hamburgers and fries and maybe one too many beers over the weekend? And you know how, sometimes, you do a couple deep knee bends or lunges so as to loosen the jeans up? To break them in, if you will?

Don't do that at work.

Especially don't do that at work if the skinny jeans are Wal-Mart quality and you're not in the habit of wearing underwear.

Also? Don't do a couple deep knee bends or lunges so as to loosen your jeans if they are Wal-Mart quality, you're not in the habit of wearing underwear and the nearest change of clothing is a snowy, forty-five minute commute away.

One more thing.

If you stupidly disregard all of the above advise, for the love of God, don't forget about the gaping hole in the crotch of your jeans while casually conversing with a co-worker across the aisle a few hours after the aforementioned unfortunate string of events.

YOU. WILL. WANT. TO. DIE.

I've never wished so hard for a workplace shooting or earthquake to strike.

Reader Comments (21)

you're going to have to be a bit more graphic/specific because i'm not quite getting what could have resulted, that is so horrible.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

P.S. love the banner.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

OMG Monica I would have died!

But so funny...thank you for the great laugh this morning!

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

I just cringed so hard for you that I nearly fell out of my chair. Dear Lord.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjive turkey

A hole in your pants, right? I've done the same thing, only I was lucky enough that it happened at home. A split right up the seam of my pants. That'll teach me to wear skinny jeans.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAimee

Oh, the horror! What did your coworker see? How do you know she saw?

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah55

I'm assuming it was a girl, right? Please say your coworker was a girl.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah55

I need to know EXACTLY what happend. They split in half and you forgot got up to socialize and she saw...what? ass? girl parts? both?

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

Yeah. They split. Right up the crotch. Created a hole the size of my fist. I know because I stuck my hand through it. Anyway, I kind of shuffled back to my desk and got back to writing. Figured I could last through the day because I was wearing a longish top over the jeans. So. Three-ish hours later one of the news anchors (female, THANK CHRIST) asks me a question and I swivel around in my chair to answer. As I'm talking I notice her eyes flick downward and I immediately remember the hole. I said, holy shit I forgot about my hole! She pretended like she didn't see but she saw. I know she saw and she knows I know she saw. Not sure exactly what and how much she saw...I later tried to recreate how I was sitting and I'm thinking it was more lady parts than ass. Oh my God, I'm sweating just remembering the horror of it all.

April 6, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

So...I am now rethinking that pair of skinny jeans I just bought at Banana Republic yesterday. How is a girl to know if they are going to survive the stretch-fest?!

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFanannie

"Holy shit, I forgot about my hole?!?!?!?" Oh no, you didn't. The story itself: semi-funny. That comment: comedic gold.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterR

Hmmmmm..... If that had happened to a guy, at work, I don't think it would be too long before HR came calling for a little meeting! Maybe you should pack together a little gym bag of extra comfy clothes that you can stash in your desk for these occasions!!

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBill

One more other thing.

Don't safety pin the crotch in a desperate attempt to fix it.

Just...don't.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristine with an x

oh dear
oh my dear dear
i get it now

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

On the upside (there's always an upside)...at least it made for a really funny story. These are just two additional reasons I will add to my list of why I never a) do lunges or b) wear skinny jeans. I thought it was really because a) I'm too lazy and b) I'm not skinny enough but this tops it all.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Sorry, but that was just golden. GOLDEN.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

So sorry for the mortifying moment, but that was AWESOME. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one that has suffered like that.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal

a commando story of ginormous proportion. the kind of thing which happens to me with regularity. As another reader posted, glad we are not alone and thank you for sharing. PS. No bloomers? What if you got in an accident?!

April 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

I've been reading and enjoying your blog for quite awhile now. I've read about tampon disasters, stomach disasters and now flashing etc. Hope you don't mind this heads up, but I think you're the kind of person who needs to keep a change of clothes permanently at work. ;)

April 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

The stuff reality shows are made of. You really should write a book, Monica,

April 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterg-clair

OH...MY....GOSH!!!!!!!! I think I just peed my pants!

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJaimee

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>