I'd like to say that I've been hiding from people since I got pregnant and gained nearly fifty pounds. I'd like to say that, but that would be a lie. Not that I'm against lying, I do it all day. So do you.
"Cute hair cut!"
"Love the dress."
I've been hiding from people my entire life. I just don't enjoy parties, shindigs, get togethers, soirees, bridal showers, baby showers, work parties, birthday parties, square dances, sceances... Maybe it stems from my youth, feeling like the unworthy interloper at all those Mormon gatherings.
There the gals are, nattering away about church camp or Sister Johnson's, like, totally cute son or what our future husbands were doing RIGHT NOW which always led to the inevitable conversation about what our future children were doing in the pre-existence (Mormon speak for heaven) RIGHT THIS SECOND!
From church gatherings to frat parties in college and then, when we all started playing grown-up: dinner parties. Normal people enjoy dinner parties, right? I dodge them like Jen Aniston side-stepping quality movie roles. The communication at the various gatherings always feels so forced and awkward and there's usually someone there who is a pain in the ass because they're super religious or actually waited in line so Sarah Palin would sign their copy of "Going Rogue" or they're a Jay Leno fan and then my conscience requires me to think horrible things in their direction.
Usually, in an effort be sociable, I go completely overboard. Talking loud, laughing even louder, machine gun firing questions at folks in an effort to avoid any and all lulls in conversation. Of course I say something I immediately regret and spend the next two days replaying the conversation in my head and mentally punching myself in my big whore mouth for being such a goddamned jackass.
Often I sit silently by as co-workers make big plans for after work. Or I read Facebook updates of friends who spent "amazing" weekends on mini getaways with friends. Jealous? Yeah. But not of their plans, I'm jealous that they want to hang out and I don't.
Who are you people that enjoy this socializing? Particularly around the holidays. I mean, there are really people who like to gather for dinner and drinks and talk about stuff instead of staying home, inhaling a bag of Doritos and shouting at the television?
This is why I have no friends, I guess.
It was a conscious choice. I had friends. They're lovely people. But they're the type of folks that like get togethers and perform in a stellar fashion at said get togethers. So I don't really see those friends anymore. I try to "like" a lot of their shit on Facebook, though.
Remember in the nineties how you had those voicemail friends? The ones you didn't really hang out with anymore but played an intense game of phone tag with even though one or both of you knew you'd outgrown each other? Now you have Facebook friends you don't hang out with, you just thumbs up an occasional comment or photo and there you are.
I feel bad a lot that I'm such a social idiot. I worry that I'm setting a bad example for Violet. I saw this family on Hoarders once. They never left the house and it was all the mom's fault but the kids had no clue how weird they were. Or maybe Violet will grow up and be highly sociable and view me as her wacky shut-in mother. WHERE ARE MY DORITOS? GIT MAMA A BEER FROM THE FRIDGE, VIOLET! I'D DO IT BUT MY PROGRAM'S STARTING.
Still, I'd rather feel bad at home with my food and TV then beat myself up while hiding in the bathroom at the dinner party I broke down and attended.
I'm going to die old and alone, aren't I? I'm going to sit on a rocker on the porch and scream at little kids to get the hell off my lawn. I'll hide their errant baseballs and footballs in my basement and shake my fist at them every now and again, just for kicks.