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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Sep092009

Are You Too Sexy For My Yard Sale?

I'm starting to have fear of yard sale rejection. I'm definitely mentally unhinged to be worrying about not having a good turnout for my yard sale - not because I might not sell anything but because I'll be embarrassed that nobody comes and I'm, like, the one that has to sit at the dork table in the lunchroom of the yard saling world. But you already knew that. That I'm mentally unhinged, I mean, not about the lunchroom tables in imaginary Yard Sale High School.

The only thing I can equate this Yard Sale Fear to is throwing a party in junior high. The chips are set out in bowls, the candles have been lit, *Adam Curry is introducing Madonna's latest whorefest on MTV which is playing softly in the background (for ambiance, of course) and the cassette tape has been mixed, chock full of killer dance tunes like Young MC's Bust A Move, Hammer's 2 Legit To Quit (I just told you I was 2 Legit To Quit with my fingers, because I actually practiced that after seeing this video. Hey, heeey!) Please Hammer, don't hurt me. And I implore you to tell me who throws a party in 1992 without Sir Mix-Alot? That's right, it ain't a party until every lily white future Mormon missionary yahoo in the place, stick-thin girlfriends in tow, is awkwardly shaking bony booty, throwing around devil horns and other strange gang signs culled from movies and MTV videos while singing:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung...

And then we're going to just get all headbanging wild with Smells Like Teen Spirit. Because we're teens! And we've have spirit! Yes we do, we've got spirit HOW 'BOUT YOU!? Not that we really know what headbanging is but we've seen it and devil horns on TV and it all looks kinda cool and therefore something we should probably be doing. We may have to put the brakes on the suburban insanity with some Boys II Men so we can retreat to our respective corners and make-out and then we're all gonna get silly on 7/11 spiked Kool-Aid and strut around all too sexy-like to Right Said Fred. Back then, before the guests arrived, I'd be a little worried that, like Fred, everyone was a little too sexy for my party. But they'd always show up because what else would everyone be doing in Orem, Utah on a Friday night?

Did you think the word NOTHING in your head? EXACTLY.

Here I am seventeen years later worrying that the dregs of Salt Lake City are too sexy for my yard sale. What if I sit out there all day watching people drive by and judge my stuff not worthy enough to even get out of their cars? And then I only make, like, ten bucks? Salt Lake City saw my life splayed sadly across my lawn and turned its back on me. The rejection! HARSH.

*Did you know Adam Curry once commented on this blog? If you don't know who Adam Curry is you can find out all about him here! Adam Curry! If I type it in caps will you remember? ADAM CURRY! The MTV V-jay! If you didn't envy Adam's flowing locks in the early nineties or maybe pretend to be a V-jay by introducing the next music video into your hairbrush in front of the mirror, then, well, you must've been born in the eighties. But really, Adam's locks were to be envied, take it from one who was born in the seventies.