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Monica Bielanko
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Monday
Aug242009

Tell Me You Smell It!

It's Saturday morning. Ten-ish. We're frantically throwing things into our SUV in order to depart for Central Utah and get to the glory that will be THE BUTLER FAMILY REUNION! before it ends. We forgot (if we ever knew in the first place) how hard it is to organize one baby and two giant dogs into a medium-sized vehicle with enough clothing, food (for people/baby/dogs), diapers, wipes, formula and Diet Coke to last us through the weekend. At one point, when we think we're nearly done, we realize we have no idea where our child will be sleeping. Should we tuck her in a dresser drawer at the cabin? DAMMIT! This realization requires complete unpacking of vehicle, tossing the Diet Coke filled cooler and packing in her little play pen. Stupid play pen. I still say she totally could have fit in the bottom drawer of your average dresser.
Serge, who is already experiencing heart palpitations because there is no typed, single-spaced, bullet-pointed three page itinerary outlining the next few days' events, is cranky. The entire time we are slamming in and out of our home he is yammering on and on about piss.
"Can you smell that? Smells like piss. Maybe the dogs pissed in the back of the car?"
"I swear to God, a dog must've pissed all over our yard last night? Can't you smell it?"

**ten minutes later**

"An elephant. A fucking elephant must've pissed up and down the driveway. What IS that smell?"

**five minutes later**

SERGE: Tell me you smell that. I think someone came up on our porch and pissed everywhere.
ME: Why would someone piss on our porch?
SERGE: I don't know. Just tell me you smell it.
ME: I told you, dude. I don't smell it.
SERGE: Bullshit. You must be able to smell that.
ME: Are you having a stroke? I don't smell anything.
SERGE: You aren't even trying to smell it.
ME: Why would I try to smell piss?


**Driving in the car**

SERGE: That's just selfish.
ME: WHAT?
SERGE: It's selfish that you didn't even trying to smell the piss.
ME: Why do you need my piss-smelling validation so bad?
SERGE: Whatever. You're just selfish.
ME: Okay Serge. I'm a non-piss-smelling selfish asshole.
SERGE: Exactly.

Note: I will put the entries to THE GREAT EXPERIMENT: GUILTY PLEASURES up at midnight. Voting will commence for 24 hours.