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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Thursday
Aug202009

Life Happened

Serge called me at work tonight to tell me he wrote about us. He said he wasn't going to post it he just wanted to write about it. I immediately knew what he wrote about and logged in to his blog to read. My first instinct was to cringe and tell him he better not post it. Complete embarrassment. My own Mom doesn't even know about this. But the more I read the more I thought, you know, fuck it. We are two kids who come from homes that were broken long before our parents divorced. We grew up hearing parents scream at each other and later hearing our tired, single mothers scream at us. It's what we know. It's what we're trying so hard to keep our daughter from knowing.

He wrote what I couldn't. Because I am embarrassed or because I'm just not good enough at writing to accurately convey what happened. I told him to post it. He did.

I recoil at the white trash implications but you know what? It is what it is. We're two fucked up people trying our damnedest to keep this ship afloat. And it's working, most of the time. I've come under fire on this blog before when I've made generalizations about marriage and how everybody fights. I've received emails of pity for my "dysfunctional" and "pathetic" relationship, emails of self-righteous indignation that detail how so-and-so and her husband have NEVER raised their voices with each other and don't appreciate my implications that they do. Apparently not every couple fights. I maintain if you don't you've got some real issues you're keeping bottled up and if you still insist you don't ever, ever fight with your spouse, well then, nobody wants to hang out with you anyway because you'll make the rest of us feel like "dysfunctional" assholes in our "pathetic" marriages.

So I told Serge to just go ahead and post the damn blog because I want people to see the work it takes. And the fuck ups. Witness the struggle I think a lot of married couples go through but are too embarrassed to talk about to anyone but a therapist. Yeah, not everyone gets to the point we got to and if you really don't ever fight that's great. You can go gloat about it over on Serge's blog because the crazy bastard left comments open. I'm used to head shakes of disapproval, I am, after all, a former Mormon. The Apostate. But if I can let something like this be subject to the harsh judgment of the internet and still promise you that no other man is for me, that I want to be with my husband forever, that I love him so much then maybe it can help someone else struggling along to feel better about their own situation.

By the way, this was the incident that I did not elaborate on in this post that had me in bed for three days. And for what it's worth, I cannot remember what started the fight and what we were fighting about. Marriage is hard, yo.