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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Saturday
Aug012009

All Up In My Head

I am feeling down today and I'm not sure why. I was on Facebook a few minutes ago checking out all these photos of a fantastic group of old friends camping together. It's a veritable beer commercial (although most of 'em don't drink) over there, they all look like they're having such a good time.

I wish I was like that.

I'm not.

The struggle of interacting appropriately with people generally outweighs my good time. Instead I sit here hating myself for being such a social doofus. But I can't help it. It's the way I am. Serge is the same way which lends to our further isolation. We're both all up in our heads. I find it weird that I'm worried about acting inappropriate when I tend to prefer the company of those who are a little left of center. Then again, maybe I gravitate towards the Left Of Centerists so I feel more normal. But I don't want to be normal. Normal is more frightening than the alternative.

I've chronicled my social anxiety here before. It's inherited, I figure. Or a learned trait. My Mom is the same way. What I tend to do when faced with social situations is overcompensate. I excessively compliment, talk loud and talk a lot. Anyone observing me might think I'm having a grand ol' time. Or maybe not. Maybe I look the way I feel; odd and twitchy. My brain is on High Alert, constantly analyzing what I'm saying and running a ticker tape on the movie screen in my head; That? What you just said there? So stupid! They think you're weird. They don't get what you're trying to say. Also? Your voice sounds odd. It's all high and loud and you kind of lisp your S's sometimes. You try so hard to find things in common with people but they aren't relating to you at all. Actually, they think you're inappropriate. And that girl there? She reads your blog and finds you offensive. There! You just did it again. Said something really stupid. Why did you say that?

Then I come home and feel like people were judging me and get all upset and write about it. Turns out, nobody was giving me a second thought it's just my distorted perception. But what can be done about perception? It is what it is, right? As a result I tend to isolate myself or when forced to be social I am one of two extremes; quiet or ridiculously jocular. For the most part I avoid the beer commercial get-togethers I envy in favor of my own little advertisement for alcoholism at home, then feel left out when I see photos highlighting everyone's good time.

Jesus, can someone just bring a straight jacket over already?