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Tuesday
Jul282009

If You Want My Body And You Think I'm Sexy...

Serge wrote about how he doesn't feel sexy anymore. Well. Join the club, Mister. These days, if anyone happens to mention my appearance in a complimentary fashion they qualify it with my Mom-ness. I'm not hot on my own, just hot for a mom.

You look good considering you just had a baby.

You look like you've lost most of the baby weight.

You're definitely a hot baby mama.

And my personal favorite; you look nice today, is that a maternity shirt?

Fine. Okay. My hot days are behind me and I can leave them there. I plan to grow old as gracefully as possible. No Botox, no nips or tucks or fake knockers. I'll just let my face sag and wrinkle until my fluorescent pink lipstick bleeds into the creases of my upper lip, my neck waddle scrapes against clavicle bones and I'm opting out of a bra, tucking my skin flapper boobs into the waistband of my pants instead.

Really, it's fine. I can dig it. It's how it is supposed to be, no? I much prefer a lined face with a bit of character to a frozen face fixed in an expression of expressionless. That's much scarier, yet we'll have an entire generation of expressionless women trotting around thinking they look faaaabulous, dahling. Don't get me wrong ladies, do what you gotta do to feel good but a line needs to be drawn somewhere, preferably somewhere besides a doctor markering up your skin pre-op. Perceptions need to change. We place way too much emphasis on the stupid youth, ignoring the old and wise.

Regarding Serge's mojo or lack thereof, I can appreciate the fact that fellas are forced to play offense while we chicks can sit back and fend off the advances. But seriously Serge, you still have to woo a gal. You are a sexy, sexy man and I see women checking you out all time. It's a lot easier for you. Strap a baby to your chest and walk down the street and oh my god isn't he THE cutest thing every chick around has seen in ages!? Strap the baby to me and nobody looks twice at the tired mom plodding around the block. And if I did put on my hot pants to stroller Violet around town everyone would mumble under their breath about why is that slutty Mom wearing those shorts. Fucking double standards. They're everywhere. Ladies get old, men get handsome, debonair. Fuck that noise. But I'm digressing here. You may be sexy but you can't walk ten feet in front of your lady, never try to hold her hand, never attempt a back massage and expect her to swoon and then spring into bed when you play grab-ass and ask her if she's interested in your "man meat".

Also, taking out the trash, vacuuming the floor and cleansering the tub is TOTALLY considered foreplay. Clean the toilet and rub my feet when I walk in the door and yes, you will get your "blowy". Even if I object to your unfortunate terminology.