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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Monday
May112009

How He Felt Yesterday

One of these days when the moon is right in the sky and we're both in an OK mood, me and Monica will probably sit down and talk some shit out. And now that Mothers Day is over I can honestly say it might be that we eventually decide to shitcan the whole deal. She wants me to go sit with her and a marriage counselor but I'm afraid I'm past that now. That was two years ago for me. She laughed at the notion then...said it was stupid. Once, though, I got her to go see my therapist with me in Manhattan. She didn't shut up the whole hour. Then, she said it was weird. Oh well.

More and more I think about what life would be like for me if I moved on; if we moved on. It seems so hard to imagine in a way. One thing I do know is that I would concentrate on being a great dad and nothing else. No more romance, no more dates (I never had any dates in my life anyway...how fucked up is that). Sex: nope. Some things won't be all that different, I guess. I would just have to get adjusted to living in Utah on my own though. That could be tough. I'm here because she's here. And now, Violet's here. In a lot of ways I live in my head though, so in a lot of ways I've never been here at all.

Life in an apartment by myself seems wildly horrific to me. Closed in, just me and my five-thousand acres of nagging depression, some cable tv, cheap carpeting. I don't know. How much do you have to take in this world before you don't want no more? I've been alone so much in my life, even in the midst of so many others. So good at tuning out pain and unpleasantness, I might have tuned out too much too often.

When I met Monica she blew my mind. She wanted the same things as me...to live passionately no matter what the price. But she had a good paying job and I didn't. That might have been my downfall, I guess. By the time I had hit thirty-five I still didn't make 250 bucks a week. I played in a band. I was gone from home so much. After a while it chiseled away at any semblance of pride I might of had. I worked really hard and had little to show for it. I became angry inside. Parts of me fell hard to the roadside all over this land. I left huge wads of my soul in morning truck stops and dimly-lit backstage rooms, blowing across cornfields, drowning in creeks by the exit ramps. When other men were climbing the ladder and saving and thinking of the future...I was smoking a cigarette somewhere out there in the night. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe I should have done different. Whose to say?

And now, who knows. I feel so many demons circling my roof. I keep waiting for one of them to smash kick through the glass and swoop in to grab me in its filthy talons. To steal me to the dark.

Then what? Then who's gonna be Violet's daddy? Monica would be fine, I know. New dude down the road. Some asshole. But what about me? How could I be the great dad I dream of being from across this shitty town, camped out in some stupid apartment...miles from the only real and decent love I've ever known...my daughter. I would die for her in a second. But, if I live somewhere else how am I gonna know if its time for that?

Anyhow, I ain't there yet so don't start hissing your snake tongues. But I'm driving past the place over and over and over again. Like a freak. And it sucks.