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Monica Bielanko
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Tuesday
Oct132009

Dear Christine From Canada

I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to read that I am your girl crush. I am especially pleased that you emailed me after drinking "liquid courage" because that is how I roll too! And then I wake up the next morning and realize that I Facebooked this one and that one reminiscing about old times that I'd actually rather keep unreminisced, and oh my God, Facebook, curse you for the direct conduit you provide to people I don't need to be conduiting.

But back to you, Christine from Canada, I am forever yammering about my latest girl crushes and nobody ever has a crush on me! So thank you, thank you for reading my blog these past couple years. It thrills me from my annoying brain to the tips of my freakishly long toes to know that there is another woman out there reading this here blog and actually relating to my life and oh my God, I think you even said I'm funny. I immediately forwarded your email to Serge with the subject: See! See! I AM funny! You just don't get me! Only amazing, intelligent people such as yourself, Christine from Canada, can appreciate the wonder, the brilliance and the funny that is me.

If you ever come this way you can totally stay at my house although you'll have to share Violet's bedroom as it also doubles as our guest bedroom. And since you're already back there maybe you could get up and make her bottle at two o'clock in the morning when she cries? Also, I'm sure you won't mind very much if, say, a black lab that weighs upwards of eighty pounds wants to share your pillow with you and kind of wraps his body around your head like some bizarre animal headdress. In fact, Christine from Canada, this is going to be awesome! You should totally come visit as soon as humanly possible. And since you're already back there in the nursery guest bedroom maybe you can get up at six in the morning with Violet? No biggie, right?

Before you go to bed we will totally drink too much and I will paint your toenails (you don't have to paint mine as they are rather long and finger-like and that could scare you and adversely affect my girl crush status) you can french braid my hair and we will giggle loudly and then log onto youporn.com and laugh and laugh at all the readily available home-made pornography. Not that I've ever been to that site myself, of course, a friend told me about it.

Seriously, Christine from Canada, I wanted to respond directly to your email because it was just so damn kind and thoughtful. So please don't "hang your drunken head in shame", your email pretty much made my night. The girl crush is mutual.

Sincerely,

Monica Bielanko