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Monica Bielanko
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Thursday
Jul262007

How The West (And Serge) Won

One of the perks of Serge being gone is the fact that I get to control the Netflix Queue. We signed up right when we arrived here in the land of Zion. Serge promptly ordered Western Civilization Episodes 1, 2 and 3. I was forced to sit through two of the three hour DVD's until I could take it no longer, shattered my empty wine bottle on the coffee table and threatened to kill myself with the jagged shards.

I was promptly told I was ruining Serge's cinematic experience and urged to leave the room. Thank God. Serge was left to glory in that monotonous narrative (Native Americans dwellings comprised a variety of different styles based upon their environment and lifestyle...) interspersed with Indian chants set to an interminable flute solo and the occasional eagle caw.

On the day of Serge's departure it was with great relish that I deposited those Western Civilization episodes in the mail. I anxiously awaited the old movies I remember lining up after our endless trek through the West.

Yesterday I arrived home from work anticipating a date with Bud (Light) and my new movies. Yes! There they were, right there in our mailbox, their glorious red packaging a beautiful beacon in the dreary rain. I trudged up the steps, collected my three Netflix friends and settled in to watch movies.

I opened the first envelope. The Mountain Men. Fuck. The bastard sneaked in another of his own choices. I read the summary for the movie; A pair of grizzled frontiersmen fight indians, guzzle liquor, and steal squaws in their search for a legendary valley so full of beaver that they jump right into your traps. I finished reading a description so rife with pussy and fucking euphemisms I hardly knew whether it was a porno or an actual flick about mountain men. Either way, not my thing. Okay, well, one movie down, two to go.

I slit open my remaining two envelopes hoping to find Mr. Smith Goes To Washington or my favorite Alfred Hitchcock classic, Rear Window. I anxiously slid both DVD's from their square holders and what do you think I saw? Western Civilization Episodes 4 and 5.

That fucker.