You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Someone emailed me these lyrics today. A stranger. Someone who reads this blog. I like that. Strangers reading, relating and sharing their very personal experiences with me. We're equal that way. It feels better to divulge the sordid details of my very dysfunctional existence when you share yours. The stranger, she told me about how she's stuck in a moment. And I realize, that's how I feel. Stuck in a moment. Only my moment is dragging on and on, kind of like that moment in high school right before the last bell rings. The moment between 2:59 and 3:00 always seemed to last a week, didn't it? Your backback is strapped firmly in place, you're sitting so tensely, coiled so tightly, you may as well be standing. Index finger is idly tracing the JD + ST scarring the top of your desk like an old tattoo, your shoe is tapping the tiled floor matching the staccato rhythm of your heart, your body is angled awkwardly toward the classroom door, ready to blast-off your seat the second the bell chimes buzz through the crackling school intercom.
I feel stuck. At least back in school, while stuck in a moment, I had something to look forward to. Passing the oh-so-beautiful Josh Roberts in the hall, meeting up with friends after school. Now I am stuck and there is nothing on the immediate horizon. I am stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it. Stuck between my girlhood dreams and my womanly desires. Womanly desires. That's funny. No, I don't mean my ongoing desire to fuck Brad Pitt (incidentally, which Brad Pitt would you fuck - Thelma and Louise Brad? Certainly not 12 Monkeys Brad. But what about Seven Years In Tibet Brad? I'll always and forever be a Legends of the Fall Brad babe) I mean those more maternal of urges. I want to have babies. But there is shit I want to do first. Yet, the stuff I want to do, I really have no control over.. Get my book published, that's outta my hands now. I've done my part. Travel everywhere. Can't afford to. If I wait until I travel everywhere to have a kid I'll never give birth.
Ever since my abortion I have promised myself that when I bring a child into this world I will devote myself to being the best mother I possibly can. Which is why I want to tick a few things off my list of things to do before I can focus on motherhood. But like I said, those things aren't really available for the doing. See the rock? The hard place? And me in the middle? At least when I lived in New York, when everything else sucked I could always say, at least I live in New York City and experience that momentary sense of superiority all New Yorkers feel because they live in the greatest fucking city on the planet. I see now that New York was perfect for me, I could sit on my lazy ass and still feel like I was doing something, just by living there. You gotta try harder in Utah.
There is a girl. Here at work. She of the girl crush. She BASE jumps and skydives. Crazy, little, adorable fucker. I watched a video of her jumping off a cliff in Switzerland. And it pissed me off. Set me off balance for the rest of the day. Why? Because it wasn't me! Here this girl is, 24 (and a half, she would chide me) and she's out there slicing off big chunks of life ripe for the taking and gorging herself. You can see the life dribbling down her chin. She's very nearly choking on it. Me? I look forward to that glass of wine or three at the end of the night. I like watering my lawn. Fuck almighty I'm sounding old. I nearly knocked myself out in the bathroom this morning. Falling in the bathroom, that should effectively prove I'm an old fucker. Oh I talk a good game. I want to hike, I want to run a marathon (maybe you should start jogging first you lazy fuck) but mostly I sit around. I've been bitching about what I want for about a decade now.. sure, nice things have happened, but mostly I'm the same asshole who talks about getting in shape but never does.
Who's out there?