Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Thursday
Jun282007

The Shining

Never have the words "come play with us" inspired as much terror as when the twins from The Shining chanted them in those heart-stoppingly creepy British accents. Except the time my ex-boyfriend uttered the very same words whilst cupping his balls and attempting to look seductive.

What is it about the British accent? So versatile. Can be uber-creepy or very hoity-toity. Need someone to voice your fragrance commercial? Luscious... the fragrance for the empowered woman. British chick! Need a horrifying ghost voice a la The Others starring Nicole Kidman? If you please, ma'am, I'm going to kill you! British chick! Need to imagine what your husband's ex-girlfriend sounds like? I hate Monica! I find her writing mediocre, at best. British chick! Like I said, versatile.

The Shining. I've just spent the better part of three hours peering through my fingers at the television set viewing an axe weilding Nicholson's masterful performance as a man teetering on the brink of and ultimately falling into an abyss of insanity.
All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.

And the kid! With his talking finger! REDRUM, REDRUM, REDRUM...

I'm not a fan of the horror flick. I just don't enjoy feeling uncomfortable and stressed out for two hours. If I want that feeling I'll drive upon winding canyon roads during a snowstorm. The vigilance, the terror that slowly infiltrates your body - it's exhausting! Once you reach your destination your lower back hurts from maintaining such an alert posture, your fingers have nearly molded into the steering wheel, stuck in a position that makes masturbation or a friendly hand job for your fella a near impossibility.

Scary movies do that to me. They're stressful. I once watched The Ring while stoned. Can you imagine? What a mistake that was. I was traumatized for weeks. Couldn't watch TV for nearly three days (and that's saying A LOT) for fear a straggly-haired Man-Woman would crawl out when I was least expecting it.

I am mother to a very sick dog right now. Hence, the movie marathon. We're on the couch, holding hands/paws through the after-trauma of The Shining. Max has just suggested we throw 16 Candles into the DVD Player. He loves Long Duck Dong.

No more yanky my wanky! The DONGER NEED FOOD! That should do the trick.