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Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Sunday
May272007

I Lay Down Laughing And I Woke Up Crying

Will there ever be a time when I don't have so much SHIT on my mind? Will I ever just chill. Be cool? Am I doomed to be THIS person forever? I am pretty unhappy with who I am. But is that because I think too much about who I am and therefore, I am hyper-aware of my perceived shortcomings? Or am I unhappy with myself in the same generic manner that most chicks always think they're fat? Maybe I really am an asshole of a human being and my displeasure in myself is accurate.

If you knew the things I thought you would be scandalized. The older I get, the less I share... I have learned.

Blogging holds little appeal for me, most of the time. Other times it feels like my only outlet. But I've said it before and I'll say it again; Although I've been blogging for two years now, I will never reconcile with the concept of blogging. It just seems silly and self-indulgent and skews one into thinking that people actually give a fuck about their visit to the eye doctor or what their dog did at the park yesterday. Or it's like American Idol for writers. A bunch of hack writers who think they're churning out amazing, hilarious shit..

But what's wrong with that? Maybe it bothers me because I really WANT to write good stuff and I fear I'm just another fucktard whose mom and friends told me I should be a writer and now I can't let the dream die. Again though, where's the harm? I don't have ads and I don't get off on comments from folks telling me what a great writer I am, I don't care about the amount of readers here... oh, sometimes I do in a general I-wonder-how-many-people-read-about-that-embarrassing-thing kind of way. But most of the time I'm typing into the abyss. Which is why, I think, I get defensive with commenters sometimes. It surprises me that you are out there, reading and holding me accountable for shit. More people to hold me accountable. Shit. I don't want to be accountable here. I just want to upchuck my thoughts and press publish without fear of recrimination. My fuck you or my expression of gratitude to the world at large.

And now - as I finish this vomit session I wonder, as I always do, should I allow comments? Do I want to be held accountable for my opinions or do I want to just chalk this entry up to a shout from a rooftop? The world at large can hear me but they can't respond.