Need I write more? Seriously. You married or divorced folks out there are chuckling.. Perhaps you issued a faint amen sister under your breath... and all the rest of you single motherfuckers out there are clucking at my pessimistic outlook.
My Rick isn't like that! We're so in looove. The Ricker, he's sooo romantic! you chirp ever so perkily. Little do you know the rest of us married folk are giggling with glee... literally snotting into the hands that cover our smirking lips over your ignorance.
Getting married? Oh yes.. we smile, buy cards and pen lovely sentiments inside. We wrap blenders and toasters and microwaves.. oh my.. and we bring them to your weddings. And then we drive home LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF!
Here is why: Nobody tells you that during that first year you will be watching an episode of CSI in which the distraught wife slits her asshole husband's windpipe AND TOTALLY RELATING! In fact, you're taking notes on the motherfucking drama so as to avoid getting caught should you choose to end your betrothed's life in much the same fashion.
Listen up! Being married is a MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! I don't care how long you've dated and how romantic your significant other pretends to be. Your first year of marriage will be spent recovering from the shock of entwining your life with some dude who gave you goosebumps once when he kissed you.
After the first melodramatic, marital confrontation over who-knows-what you will long for your significant other, A.K.A. 'motherfucker' to just get the fuck out of the house. Except he lives there now! You will be so sick of him always being there, all up in your face.... monitoring your wine consumption, your cookie dough intake, making fun of your penchant for watching The Hills... Don't you have a life you big cereal guzzling, bathroom dirtying, snoring motherfucker, you'll whisper to yourself as you watch your formerly dashing beau - the man who once left roses on your doorstep FOR NO REASON! - inhale three bowls of Trix (milk dribbling unsexily down his chin) in the amount of time it takes him to change the channel from NASCAR to the fishing channel.
And THAT, my friends, is what they never tell you...