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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Friday
Jan052007

Slowly, But Surely

Oh y'all. I just adore you. I can't tell you how exciting it is to get all these emails. Opening each one is very nearly like tearing into a Christmas gift because we can't wait to see what you have to say. The more depravity in your coupledoms, the harder we laughed. You told such tragic tales with wisdom and humor. And you gave us hope.

The Surge and I have read through every, single email - and to put it simply, we don't feel like such dysfunctional tards. Because you all are too! From the best of advice to kicks in the balls - thank you so much for taking time out to share. And please, if you want to email but are feeling shy, just do it! Get it out. It feels good, I promise.

Oh, it was bad. The worst it's been. Nearly a month of shouting and tears. It's a wonder the neighbors didn't call the cops. Maybe they were having too good a time listening in. I know I woulda had my face pressed to the radiator every night, listening as hard as I could.
"Oh my God, she called him a cocksucker!"
"Now he's locked himself in the bathroom and she's screaming at him to come out or she's gonna break down the door! This shit is better than War of the Roses! Seriously! Instead of swinging from a chandelier I think they're hanging off the fire escape now!"
"Should we call the cops?"
"And ruin the show? Hell no!"


I kicked him out, he wouldn't leave. I just felt so hopeless. But yesterday? Something happened. We sat down and conversed! Like grown-ups.
"When you do this... It makes me feel like this..."
"and when you say this..I feel like this!"
"See, I didn't mean it like that!"
"Well I want this for us..."
"I want that too! We just need to..."
"We need to work on this..."
"I agree!"

And then he tried to grab my boob. But in one of my spectacular karate chops engendered from years of cultivating a Mormon induced sexual dysfuntion, I was able to expertly cut his hand off in mid-air.
"Like I'm going to have sex with you already! You're on probation."

It's not fixed just like that, of course. But the bastard wrote me a letter and hid it in my bag. I read it on the subway at midnight on my way to work. As the light flickered and the homeless man sang for change, I cried. Because he is right:

"In the last year you have talked more openly about having a family and that made me very excited inside. To have a child with such a unique, beautiful, talented woman is a dream I think I kept well tucked inside myself for a long time. But now it was a possibility!!! And of course things would change a bit.. or a lot.. because a baby needs a lot of care and a lot of cash! I knew that. I know that now. And of course I know that, at 35, I am not exactly a financial success. So what would I do?

Well, you jumped at the chance to panic about it on numerous occasions and whenever money became tight around here in the last six months or so, you seemed to want me to make some instant change. Why? It isn't easy to figure everything out in an instant. And yes, I do understand how you could feel concerned or even scared at the thought of how we would fund a family. But you didn't stop to think about me too much and how I might gradually move toward finding some other way to be a great moneymaking dad! You just panicked and broke down and pressured me in subtle ways and at times I felt really slighted by you, insulted by you... and so I would fight back with warrior words.... I want to be with you. To love you. Forever. Maybe you can't see that anymore. Fuck separation - that's bullshit. You want me out, I will go, M*nica. Seriously. But I believe we could work this out - slowly and surely, if we want to.

So. There we are. Thank you so much for all the emails. I read every single one and please, please don't feel slighted if I didn't reply. I don't know that it's possible to email everyone back.. but please know how much it means that you'd take time to share your life with me. That's why I started this damn blog.

Slowly, but surely. Besides, how could I possibly live life without this beautiful, bearded, RockBoy?

Reader Comments (22)

Yay. Just yay.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKaren D.
Comments? For real? Don't anybody fuck it up! I have been checking your blog billions of times. My God, it's like waiting for Grey's Anatomy every Thursday. Beautiful post. Just beautiful. Thanks for being so heartbreakingly honest, even when you know the assholes are circling.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAimee
You are a strong woman Monica and your husband is a strong man. I know that the both of you will be able to pull through. You love each other and it shows. I am so happy that you guys were able to sit down and talk things out...that is so hard to do...and yet...you both got through it! Yay!
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSM
I want my man to write a song about me! LOL
Cool video! Glad you are back to letting us comment! I missed ya!
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen
cool:) I knew that rainbow meant something good...
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterana
Thanks so much for this. I am engaged to a man I love very, very much. But I get scared when I think about the long-run. How to make our love last. This gives me hope. Best of everything to you.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
I don't know which I like more, the scenery or the whistling.....Either way, I'm glad you're going to work things out. For better or worse mand, and pushing through the worst makes marriage better.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis
I love you two kids. Don't make me come out there and give you some marriage tips. But if I did give you a tip it would have jello, midgets, and donkeys involved.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCChild
Dude..I've had enough Jell-o with marshmallows and shredded carrots to last a lifetime. It is THE OFFICIAL UTAH FOOD, after all... those crazy Mormons love them some Jell-o. But midgets? Donkeys? I'm in!


Jello... Now I can't stop thinking about Bill Cosby saying Pudding Pop.. you know.. in that Bill Cosby way.
January 5, 2007 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko
Just wanted to drop you a line to tell you I read the blog every day and am always rooting for you. Whether it's hope that you get a book deal a new job or make it through a rough time with The Surge I wish you nothing but the best.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Oh, shit, I missed Grey's again! Damn!

I missed the comments and CChild and Aimee and where is Cinco Lover and Tracey? Because I miss you guys, too.

And why must they always go for the boob grab? All men, everywhere, always, always, always. I mean, I know they're fantastic boobs (mine, but I'm sure we all have fantastic boobs), but let them be!

Anyway...you might not have enough money, and who does?, but you have enough love. Even when it's right, it's still hard. I hope you know you are in good company with us, who have lived to tell our tales, too.
January 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEDW
Things will always work out in their own weird way if you're honest and committed. I'm glad that you and the Surge are hanging in there.
January 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteramanda
I meant jello wrestling....
January 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercchild
So it hasn’t been the phone calls, knowing I would certainly ask how things were going and you wouldn’t want to divulge BUT I have been feeling with you from the many miles between us. Honestly, I keep checking up on you both, worried, wondering, but knowing you will get through it – after all, I don’t think there is anyone more perfect for you than the Surge and besides that we love him! You’re never alone… I love you both!
January 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterN.
Life is funny sometimes...it would take forever to explain just how perfect finding *this* post on *this* blog at *this* exact time was...but just know...wow.

Your writing is amazing. I can't wait to read more.

I'll be back.

Thanks again.

Stunning perfect timing.
January 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBecca
The toilet flush too!!! I almost forgot about that!
January 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfancythis
excellent post. getting married is hard and staying married is even harder! thanks for your honest, beautiful post. its encouraging to hear how others work through the same problems every couple faces!
i love your blog! i'll be back!
January 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentergirlymama
Aw, I've missed the comments too! No great story to share, but just wanted to let you know that I'm still readin...And, as always, kudos to you AND Serge for being so open with the internet world.

Oh, and wait the toilet flushes too?! I'll have to go back and watch it again now...

January 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterktphotog
Who said marriage was a piece of cake? Some of the best marriages in this world have had their bumps and their curves but it takes two people to make a marriage work.

I'm also glad the comments are back up. Thanks for sharing Monica and The Surge. We all ain't crazy out here internet land, some do have something good to say and know what the two you'se is going through. I'm glad you asked for advice.
January 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug

I get back from vacation to see that we can comment again! Plus I follow the story of your marriage. I've been sitting here reading for hours. Everyone's stories are amazing. It's so nice to know that we're all dealing with the same stuff. Even though we figure that has to be the case, sometimes it seems as if everyone else is so much more together than ourselves. Thanks for sharing, everyone

January 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGemma

From the past...

Worst marriage moment?

That cold look when I KNEW the bond was broken, yet was completely caught by surprise.

Out the door on Friday night.

Forever.

"I'm goin' dancin."

26 straight hours alone, awake, and petrified.

Layin' in bed.

Our bed.

Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

"Piece of shit," she said to me.

"You're not the man I thought I married."

Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

Dogs need to be walked, bills need to be paid.

"Broken fucking shit in this house."

Still fuckin' broken today.

Wedding ring's slung at eat other.

Taking mine off was the last straw.

Even though hers' had been off for days.

Later...in purgatory...

Watching HBO alone in different rooms on Sunday night.

Wishing we could just sit and smoke through this in the bathroom.

Faraway eyes.

Watch out guys!

Fuck.

This always makes me sadder than you can believe.

peace,
a big hearted man

January 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjoe

That last comment makes me want to stop smoking ciggis for good (give me approx. a week {and counting down}).
That incident won't happen, and that my friend I'm sure!

Slowly, but surely is a great topic to discuss, and I really think if you both are not lazy all your needs will be met. It's not difficult to make money, opportunities are out there, you don't even need to be really smart, just keep working (slowly, but surely). Sometimes being conservative and faithful in what you do is the best way. Also two is better than one.

Song:"I'm a movement by myself, but we're a force when were together".

October 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCazza

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