Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Wednesday
Jan172007

IT'S NOT A TOOM-AH!

"So... know how my eyes have been bloodshot for, like, three months?"
"Yeah?"
"Since paying for an eye appointment, would put us in the red--oh shit! Ha ha! Get it? In the red? My eyes are already red? Get it? Did you hear that?"
"Yeah, got it. In the red. You were saying?"
"Right. So I was Googling "red eyes" and shit like that? Turns out, I think I have a Subdermal hematoma."
"SUB-WHAT?"
"Wait. That's not it.. that's some other thing. Hold on.. Lemme look again....Here it is! Subconjunctival hemorrhage! That's what I have! Look at the pictures! That's like me! My fellow sufferers."
"Christ! What's that?"
"Swelling of the brain."
"WHAT? Fuck off!!
"Nah.. It's just, like, your eye gets really red in specific places because a blood vessel broke underneath your conjunction - I mean conjunctiva."
"Doesn't sound very good. We should still go to the doctor."
"No, it's good! I mean, it looks gross, but hells, I was beginning to think I had a brain tumor or something."
"Why are you staring at me like that?"
"Because you're supposed to say IT'S NOT A TUMOR! You know, like Arnold Schwarzeneggar in that Kindergarten Cop movie? Go on, say it! Do it with an Ah-nuld accent!"
"Shut up. Seriously, it's not a bad thing? We should still go to the doctor. How do you treat it?"
"It's supposed to go away on its own. It's totally cool. This is good news. Everyone at work is starting to think I'm high all the time. Or coming to work with pink eye, which is totally worse and waaay more offensive. And I was definitely beginning to stray into I-have-a-giant-brain-tumor-behind-my-eyeballs-and-have-six-months-to-live territory.
"Stop talking like that! If you die I'll kill you! Or I'm going with. So, if you have a tumor I'm getting one too."